I haven't posted for a long time.  I think it's because my brain doesn't shut off.  I have had a lot going on.  I have been working on the budget (which sucks!).  I even started thinking of getting a 3rd job.  But, when you struggle with being the "nurturer" of a Mom, then the 3rd job has to be put on the shelf.  For so long I have been the "provider" in our family.  In my LDS faith we have a "Family Proclamation".  It talks about the role of a Mother and a Father.  Last week after a particularly rough marriage therapy session, I actually yelled "If I am supposed to be the 'damn dad', tell me I am supposed to be the Dad." 

I then had my individual session last Saturday, she gave me an assignment.  I still haven't done it.  She wants me to write a letter to myself.  The problem is, after writing the letter to my brother, I have a lot of hate towards him, but I also have a lot of "hate" towards myself.  I think my individual therapist is going to have to work thru a lot of things with me to get me to complete this assignment. 

I met with my Bishop on Sunday.  I have been told several times by him that the Lord would "recompense" me for my pain.  I struggle with this because all that I am, and all that I have, has come to me from the Lord.  I have struggled with the fact that the knowledge of the abuse had to come out.  I have struggled with the knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father.  I have struggled with my testimony, and my beliefs.  I am learning new things, and re-learning many things.  We read Alma 14.  In this chapter Alma & Amulek are forced to watch as innocent women and children are burned.  Amulek turned to Alma and asked 'how can we stand by and watch this?'  Alma then says 'the spirit is causing me to refrain from saving them'  but "the Lord receiveth them in Glory".  I have asked "how could the Lord let this happen to me?"  I have asked "where was the spirit of the Holy Ghost?"  And realistically, I have asked "how can you stand by and watch this?"  My Bishop, with all his love, advised me that he doesn't know how the Lord will "recompense" me but that he will.  My next question was "only if I remain worthy?"  He then said "my reward will not be from a 'dime store'".  I know in the scriptures we are told that if we are worthy then "all that he has" will be ours.  But, that seems so far away, and so hard to obtain for me. 

We had marriage therapy yesterday.  I let my husband control the session.  Of course the session was all about my abuse.  Like I said, some days I am OK with the knowledge that it happened, and then others I wish I could make it all go away.  Yesterday, as my husband was venting about my brother and the abuse, my husband reflected on our dating.  My brother went on most of my dates with my husband.  My husband said to the therapist "I can't help but think I stole her brother's girlfriend."  My brother always treated me as though he "owned" me.  I sat and listened to my husband talk thru his emotions with the therapist, I sat and cried.   I didn't know what to say, and like I have always said, my therapy doesn't end when I leave my session.  I have had his comment going thru my head over and over.  I can't tell you how many times I have wanted to scream, "Damn it, I wasn't his girlfriend, I was his SISTER!"