Life for me is very hard right now.  I am still the caretaker to my 6 yr old after her hip surgery.  I am constantly taking the wheelchair up and down the stairs.  I take her for walks every night, she enjoys that time outside.  I haven't had a whole lot of help from my husband, and I don't know what I am doing with my marriage.

Work has become a living hell for me again.  My boss has hired another employee.  Today, he is not so sure what my role is at the office anymore.  You know what, I don't know either.  I really just want to quit and be done.  I am the office whipping post and some days it hurts more than others.  I am evidently not very accountable.  I only make excuses.  I don't accept responsiblity, and my failing relationships is all me.  I can't take much more.

My financial life is a mess.  I received a call from one of the two attorneys that we are working with stating that they are going to start garnishing my wages until the $2600 debt is paid off for my husband's oxygen.  I received a letter from the 2nd attorney indicating that they have put a lien against our property and they are starting a "judicial foreclosure".  (Not really sure what that means!)

As you can see, not only is my work life hell, but so is my personal life as well.  My husband still hasn't started looking for a job, but hey, I am supposed to still be happily married to him!  I don't know what I am doing.

Yesterday, I cancelled my appointment for Therapy.  I just can't do this anymore.  Sorry!

My homework assignment has been to write an anger letter.  Anger is a very difficult emotion for me.

I am just going to let it go and you can see where my anger letters have brought me.

Mary,

I don’t know where to start.  Of all the people I am most angry with it is you.

You allow people to walk all over you.  Of course you would be the one that was abused by your brother.  You believed everything people told you.

You could have stopped the abuse at anytime.  Instead you took it all in for any sort of attention, even if it meant getting hurt.

One year for you birthday all you asked for was a birthday cake and a spanking.  What was that all about?  Is that the only way you felt love is if you were hurting?

When you were little, your emotions were all over the place.  You would cry at the drop of a hat.  Now you have a child just like you and you can see for yourself the hell your emotions put your family thru.  You deserve it.

You have never been good enough so why did you try?

You were always “Dad’s favorite”, what did you have to gain by that?

 

I stopped the letter because I didn’t like it, so I let it sit for a couple of days and started another.

 

Mary,

I am angry.  I am angry this abuse happened to me but I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.  At this point in my life, I am more angry that my repressed memories surfaced and changed my entire existence.  Before this happened I didn’t know what a “defense mechanism” was let alone cared that I had any.  Now, anything that happens in my life and I question “is it me, or them?”

I didn’t know what self care was.  Now the fact that I am alive is enough self care for some days.  I didn’t know that I needed to learn skills to survive.

I am angry that my brother did this to me but I am more angry with you for allowing it to happen.

I am angry that I didn’t listen to the Holy Ghost when he tried to warn me.  Why even try to warn me when I don’t even listen?  Who would have thought that one mistake would lead me down the road to destruction of myself.  I feel so stupid.  Why wasn’t I worth it to the Lord to give me a 2^nd chance.

We sing “I am a child of God”.  Why wasn’t I given a loving home? I realize I was an emotional wreck and made things difficult for my family.  I guess I deserved it. 

I tried to run away so many times, but I was too stupid to even know where to go.  I still don’t.

Of course my actions would change my life, and my relationships for decades to come.  I guess that’s why I was stupid enough to marry a man 10 years older than me that wouldn’t love me enough to provide for me.  I guess I deserved that too.  But my children don’t.   I don’t even understand why God would even bless me with children.  Unless that wasn’t meant to happen either.

My life has become a joke.  It’s pretty sad when every where I turn I am being confronted with abusive people.  (again, is that me and my distorted thinking?)

I hate that I have to exist in this world.  There are so many who would be better off if I didn’t exist.

They say God carries you thru your trials.  Why do I feel like I am being drug thru the mud?  That’s probably my fault too.

No one wants to be around a negative person, so why don’t people leave me alone.  Right now, that’s just who I am.  “when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” So, that’s the answer to everything.

I buried everything so deep, my emotions, my hopes and dreams.  I lived for others because I sure as hell didn’t want to live for myself.  Right now I am just being selfish by trying to take care of myself.  It’s probably just a waste of time.

 

There has been so much going on this week with me emotionally.  I was really thrown off by my last therapy session.  I understand that the "real work" starts after you leave therapy, and this week, I must have been working really hard because this week has sucked! 

I have to admit, I sent a lot of text messages to my therapist this week.  He doesn't answer them but instead we discuss them at our next session.  I sent him another text yesterday and asked for him to disregard all of my texts this week because I don't want to discuss them.  I am sure there is a reason why I don't want to discuss them.  I feel as though I overwhelmed him.  He can't change the things that I have done, and to be honest, I feel as though there is also a lot of shame behind some of my texts.  I am uncomfortable with life and living in my own skin right now that it would be too much to discuss them.  He hasn't responded to my request so I am not sure of his feeling on that.  I just don't want to dig any deeper.

I know I have been writing a lot this week.  I have had a lot going on in my head.  On Saturday, my therapist was the one that said I needed to keep telling myself I am a "good person".  Today, at work, my boss told me that I am a "good person" but that it wasn't enough, I needed to show him.  All day as he has talked to me, I have wondered, "how can I get out?"  I have had many suicidal thoughts today.  I have prayed for Heavenly Father to take this away.  My boss keeps telling me that I don't accept "accountability" or "responsibility" and that all I do is make excuses.  He asks me to read this article, it says "invest in yourself."  I feel like therapy is "investing in myself", but is it really enough.  I am not happy, so when does my "investment" pay off?  I am working so hard, trying to complete all of the tasks that are required of me.  Again, I feel like the burden is just too much.  This morning I woke up to find that my car had been vandalized.  Really!  One more thing, isn't it enough that I am the only one working in my home, that I am caretaker to a 6 year old that can't walk, that I am drowning in debt, that I am dealing with a mental illness that some days defeats me?  When is enough enough?

So, I did something last night that I have not done in months.  I am numb.  I was intimate with my husband.  I even know the reasons why I did it and they are not good.  I needed love and I didn't care where I got it.  I had dealt with my kids long enough, and there was no love there, and to be honest, there was not a lot of love between me and my husband.  I have thought a lot about this through the night.  I wanted to go into hiding, and realistically, I wanted to run away, but I talked thru that with my therapist and I am not ready to "dumpster dive" and to live without a shower so that isn't going to work either. 

I know that many who read this blog may notice that I start out with "I went to therapy...".  I will try and stop using that comment so repeatedly.  This journey has been a long drawn out process, one that I am not sure how it ends, or if it ever does end.

As I indicated in my prior post, I have been dealing a lot with my feelings towards Heavenly Father.  My Bishop indicated that often times the relationship that we have with our Heavenly Father is mirrored by the relationship that we have with our Earthly Father.  This comment has had me doing a lot of soul searching.  Two weeks ago in Testimony Meeting my Father got up in front of the congregation and bore his testimony about the Gospel.  As I have been working thru my trials and my thoughts of my Father, I saw a truly "repentant" man.  I saw a man that knew of our Heavenly Father and one that has truly grown from his trials (and he has had a lot lately). 

I was told this last weekend that I need to keep telling myself that "I am a good person."  This comment also caused me to do some soul searching.  This comment is very hard for me to believe.  I advised this person that "realistically, they hardly even knew me, so they wouldn't know if I was a good person or not."  I don't feel like a "good person".  I have many flaws and insecurities.  If I was a Wemmick from the book You are Special, I would be Punchinello for sure!  I don't have a lot of talents, I am certainly not a "super model", and to be honest, there really isn't a whole lot special about me.

As you can see, my self-esteem is really shot right now.  I have been told often that depression causes one to be selfish and that the only person I think of is myself.  This weekend, being Mother's day, I admit, I did only think of myself.  I did not go and visit my Mom, or my husband's Mom.  I stayed home with my little one that is still recovering from hip surgery.  I didn't feel like venturing out.  I am always stuck feeling so 'awesome, not' when it comes to Mother's Day.  I really want to just give up, there is too much pressure for me.  I have never wanted to be selfish.  I would rather think of others than think of myself. 

I have been feeling very "exposed" lately, or feeling very vulnerable.  I admit, feeling vulnerable is not a comfortable feeling for me.  I read last week that feeling vulnerable is very courageous, it doesn't feel courageous, it actually makes me feel sick.  I was told that in order to feel comfortable with vulnerability, I needed to feel it more often.  I don't think so.

Lately, I have been leaving therapy feeling like "crap".  I have been reading about it and have been told this is very normal because I am uncovering my past.  I don't think I can do it anymore.  I don't want to be "strong" anymore.  I don't want to hurt anymore.

I went last night and met with the Bishop.  We talked about Baptism.  I read my letters to the Bishop and we discussed my feelings of Baptism.  We talked about the fear of Baptism that I had and how today I struggle with the Sacrament.  He asked why I take the Sacrament.  I told him of the discussions that I have had with my therapist regarding not partaking of the Sacrament is "self injury".  Partaking of the Sacrament is a very personal and private thing for me.  I cry each week as I partake of the Sacrament as I reflect on my life, the promises that I have made, and the life of the Savior.  The first question that is asked on a Baptism interview is "do you believe in God the Eternal Father and in his son Jesus Christ?"  I talked to the Bishop on how the Savior, Jesus Christ, is so tangible to me, he is so real, then I reflect on Heavenly Father, and it is a totally different story.  It is so hard for me.  As I listened to the Bishop, the thought that I asked myself is "how do I gain that relationship with Heavenly Father?"  We talked on how your relationship with Heavenly Father is connected with your relationship with your Earthly Father. 

So many of my issues are so deep.  The Bishop asked a lot of deep questions and we talked for a very long time.  One of the questions that he asked is "do I not allow people to love me because I don't feel deserving of love, or that I don't love myself.?"

I have been having some issues with my daughters.  To be honest, I feel as though I am not needed.  Not that I am not needed but that I am not being treated very well by any of them.  Mother's Day is approaching, and I can't help but feel that they would all be better off if I were not there.  The family would need to figure out life without me.  There is a lot required of me by my children and there is not a lot of respect.  Last night as I listened to my children fight back and forth until after midnight, I took the little one, that was causing the problem, into the living room and laid on the couch until 1:45 when she was ready to go to bed.  I am not getting a lot of respect from my husband as well.  He does not feel like getting a job is important.  I am working my fingers to the bone.  I am trying to get on top of the bills and I can't.  I don't know how much longer I can go living like this.  This morning at 1:00 I was thinking that the mental ward was sounding pretty good, but then I thought of my responsibilities at home and how someone needs to work to pay the bills, so I picked myself up by the boot straps and woke up ready to face another day.

This weekend has been a rough one for me.  I know it doesn't help that I am exhausted.

I went to therapy and we discussed my letters about Baptism.  My therapist asked some pretty deep questions of me regarding the Temple and my purpose in life.  We talked about my family struggles and then he asked if I was truly happy.  ( I don't think that is a fair question to ask me, because if I were truly happy, I wouldn't be going to therapy!)

Well, my session, along with taking care of my daughter has sent me in to a tail spin.  This morning as I was up with my little one, I wondered, "why does God hate me".  I know that life is about choices.  Well, right now, some of my trials, had nothing to do with my choice so I can't say I made a "bad decision". 

I lay in bed this morning and looked back on my life.  My life is nothing like I imagined it would be.  I am not the person I imagined I would be.  I even apologized to my husband this morning because I am not the wife I wanted to be either. 

I hear on a daily basis from at least 1 of my children that -so and so is my favorite, or that I love another child more than the other.  This is a very hard thing for me to hear.  As I think back on my children, each one of them is very special.  I could never love one more than the other.  One child's needs are greater than another at that time, that doesn't mean that I love the other less. 

Everything I do, I do for my family.  I have heard it said that depression can make one selfish.  I can understand when that happens for me because there are times where I just want to be alone.  So, maybe during my alone time I am being selfish.  Sometimes, there is just not much left of me to give.

I sent a copy of my letters to my 8 year old self to my therapist.  As soon as I posted them I felt very vulnerable.  To be honest, just putting this out there is making me feel uncomfortable.  I even have felt like quitting therapy sounds really good right now, which is telling me that I have touched on a very uncomfortable situation and time in my life that I don't want to address.  The sad thing is, it is out in the open now and must be confronted.  (all I can say is Crap!!!)  My heart feels heavy and I want to break down and cry.  I am nervous about my session tomorrow because I just don't know if I want to go any further.

I have wondered what I am supposed to be learning from all of this.  I have also said that I was good before all of this happened with the Gospel.  I didn't think that my testimony could be any stronger than it was several years ago, before this happened.  I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and yes, it is not my plan but is the Lord's plan.  Now, I really have been fighting the Lord's plan, but you know what, he knows that.  He knew that I would fight it, and to be honest, he knew how I would handle this situation.  I have always felt that maybe, the risk was too great.  Was he ever worried that he would lose me?  I imagine that he has been very worried at times, because even I have worried. 

There are so many things from my past that I don't remember, and I am good that I don't remember them.  Although, there are times, that I do remember things from my past, I wish I could forget them again.  As I was growing up, I used to always feel that the 4 youngest were raised differently from the 3 oldest, and that me being in the middle I was somehow immune to the past of the 3 oldest.  I believed that my parents were different, and that the difference started with me.

My homework assignment was to write another letter, this time the letter was to my 8 year old self, talking about Baptism.

Dear Mary,

I have been asked to write you a letter and talk to you about being 8.  What an exciting time in your life this must be.  To be baptized and receive the gift of the Holy Ghost is a precious gift and the first step in returning to our Heavenly Father.

I remember my Baptism day.  I was so scared.  I even told this to my Bishop.  Bishop Duncan, he was such a kind man that he took me to the baptism font and let me pick the temperature of the water.

I don't want to minimize my fear of Baptism.  I was young and was making the biggest decision of my life.  I was terrified.  I was afraid I would drown.  I didn't trust that my Dad would lift me out of the water.

I didn't understand what it meant to be baptized.  I was told I would be clean, but I didn't feel any differently.  What was it going to take for me to feel clean?  My Baptism didn't change anything except now I would have the Holy Ghost.  Like Jiminy Cricket in the movie Pinnochio.  When Pinnochio would tell a lie, his nose would grow.  If I told a lie, everyone would know.  I felt worse than before I had been baptized.  Why?  Because that made more pressure for me to be good.  I was supposed to feel better.

Things today are different.  My life has been blessed because I was Baptized.  The Holy Ghost has helped me in many ways.  It has protected me.  Sometimes I didn't listen

OK, so the letter above was what was originally written on 4/30.  I have read the letter over again and again, and to be honest, I don't think I would talk to an 8 year old like that.  It just came out.  I was told to not delete my first impressions so my 2nd letter is below 5/1.

Dear Mary,

Happy 8th Birthday.  This is an exciting time for you as you prepare for Baptism.  After you are baptized you will become a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and you will receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.

When you are baptized, you make promises with the Lord.  One of those promises is that you will always remember him, and that you will keep his commandments.  In return, because you will have the Holy Ghost, your Heavenly Father promises you that you can always have his Spirit to be with you.  This is done thru this precious gift. 

The Holy Ghost is a very quiet voice.  You will not hear it scream at you but you will feel it in your heart, or it will come to you as a thought.  The Holy Ghost will help you when you are scared, hurt, or lonely.  It will also help you to gain a testimony of the Gospel.  With that testimony and with the Holy Ghost's help, you will come to know Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in a very personal way.

One of the first principles of the Gospel is Faith.  By being baptized you are showing your Heavenly Father that you have Faith in him.  You have Faith in his plan.  By using that Faith you will grow into an amazing young woman.

Remember, that you are a daughter of God.  That you were sent here for a purpose.  When times get hard you will need to turn to your Heavenly Father.  He wants to bless you, he loves you and will help you.

With Love,
Mary