I went last night and met with the Bishop.  We talked about Baptism.  I read my letters to the Bishop and we discussed my feelings of Baptism.  We talked about the fear of Baptism that I had and how today I struggle with the Sacrament.  He asked why I take the Sacrament.  I told him of the discussions that I have had with my therapist regarding not partaking of the Sacrament is "self injury".  Partaking of the Sacrament is a very personal and private thing for me.  I cry each week as I partake of the Sacrament as I reflect on my life, the promises that I have made, and the life of the Savior.  The first question that is asked on a Baptism interview is "do you believe in God the Eternal Father and in his son Jesus Christ?"  I talked to the Bishop on how the Savior, Jesus Christ, is so tangible to me, he is so real, then I reflect on Heavenly Father, and it is a totally different story.  It is so hard for me.  As I listened to the Bishop, the thought that I asked myself is "how do I gain that relationship with Heavenly Father?"  We talked on how your relationship with Heavenly Father is connected with your relationship with your Earthly Father. 

So many of my issues are so deep.  The Bishop asked a lot of deep questions and we talked for a very long time.  One of the questions that he asked is "do I not allow people to love me because I don't feel deserving of love, or that I don't love myself.?"

I have been having some issues with my daughters.  To be honest, I feel as though I am not needed.  Not that I am not needed but that I am not being treated very well by any of them.  Mother's Day is approaching, and I can't help but feel that they would all be better off if I were not there.  The family would need to figure out life without me.  There is a lot required of me by my children and there is not a lot of respect.  Last night as I listened to my children fight back and forth until after midnight, I took the little one, that was causing the problem, into the living room and laid on the couch until 1:45 when she was ready to go to bed.  I am not getting a lot of respect from my husband as well.  He does not feel like getting a job is important.  I am working my fingers to the bone.  I am trying to get on top of the bills and I can't.  I don't know how much longer I can go living like this.  This morning at 1:00 I was thinking that the mental ward was sounding pretty good, but then I thought of my responsibilities at home and how someone needs to work to pay the bills, so I picked myself up by the boot straps and woke up ready to face another day.