My homework assignment has been to write an anger letter.  Anger is a very difficult emotion for me.

I am just going to let it go and you can see where my anger letters have brought me.

Mary,

I don’t know where to start.  Of all the people I am most angry with it is you.

You allow people to walk all over you.  Of course you would be the one that was abused by your brother.  You believed everything people told you.

You could have stopped the abuse at anytime.  Instead you took it all in for any sort of attention, even if it meant getting hurt.

One year for you birthday all you asked for was a birthday cake and a spanking.  What was that all about?  Is that the only way you felt love is if you were hurting?

When you were little, your emotions were all over the place.  You would cry at the drop of a hat.  Now you have a child just like you and you can see for yourself the hell your emotions put your family thru.  You deserve it.

You have never been good enough so why did you try?

You were always “Dad’s favorite”, what did you have to gain by that?

 

I stopped the letter because I didn’t like it, so I let it sit for a couple of days and started another.

 

Mary,

I am angry.  I am angry this abuse happened to me but I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.  At this point in my life, I am more angry that my repressed memories surfaced and changed my entire existence.  Before this happened I didn’t know what a “defense mechanism” was let alone cared that I had any.  Now, anything that happens in my life and I question “is it me, or them?”

I didn’t know what self care was.  Now the fact that I am alive is enough self care for some days.  I didn’t know that I needed to learn skills to survive.

I am angry that my brother did this to me but I am more angry with you for allowing it to happen.

I am angry that I didn’t listen to the Holy Ghost when he tried to warn me.  Why even try to warn me when I don’t even listen?  Who would have thought that one mistake would lead me down the road to destruction of myself.  I feel so stupid.  Why wasn’t I worth it to the Lord to give me a 2^nd chance.

We sing “I am a child of God”.  Why wasn’t I given a loving home? I realize I was an emotional wreck and made things difficult for my family.  I guess I deserved it. 

I tried to run away so many times, but I was too stupid to even know where to go.  I still don’t.

Of course my actions would change my life, and my relationships for decades to come.  I guess that’s why I was stupid enough to marry a man 10 years older than me that wouldn’t love me enough to provide for me.  I guess I deserved that too.  But my children don’t.   I don’t even understand why God would even bless me with children.  Unless that wasn’t meant to happen either.

My life has become a joke.  It’s pretty sad when every where I turn I am being confronted with abusive people.  (again, is that me and my distorted thinking?)

I hate that I have to exist in this world.  There are so many who would be better off if I didn’t exist.

They say God carries you thru your trials.  Why do I feel like I am being drug thru the mud?  That’s probably my fault too.

No one wants to be around a negative person, so why don’t people leave me alone.  Right now, that’s just who I am.  “when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” So, that’s the answer to everything.

I buried everything so deep, my emotions, my hopes and dreams.  I lived for others because I sure as hell didn’t want to live for myself.  Right now I am just being selfish by trying to take care of myself.  It’s probably just a waste of time.