I know that many who read this blog may notice that I start out with "I went to therapy...".  I will try and stop using that comment so repeatedly.  This journey has been a long drawn out process, one that I am not sure how it ends, or if it ever does end.

As I indicated in my prior post, I have been dealing a lot with my feelings towards Heavenly Father.  My Bishop indicated that often times the relationship that we have with our Heavenly Father is mirrored by the relationship that we have with our Earthly Father.  This comment has had me doing a lot of soul searching.  Two weeks ago in Testimony Meeting my Father got up in front of the congregation and bore his testimony about the Gospel.  As I have been working thru my trials and my thoughts of my Father, I saw a truly "repentant" man.  I saw a man that knew of our Heavenly Father and one that has truly grown from his trials (and he has had a lot lately). 

I was told this last weekend that I need to keep telling myself that "I am a good person."  This comment also caused me to do some soul searching.  This comment is very hard for me to believe.  I advised this person that "realistically, they hardly even knew me, so they wouldn't know if I was a good person or not."  I don't feel like a "good person".  I have many flaws and insecurities.  If I was a Wemmick from the book You are Special, I would be Punchinello for sure!  I don't have a lot of talents, I am certainly not a "super model", and to be honest, there really isn't a whole lot special about me.

As you can see, my self-esteem is really shot right now.  I have been told often that depression causes one to be selfish and that the only person I think of is myself.  This weekend, being Mother's day, I admit, I did only think of myself.  I did not go and visit my Mom, or my husband's Mom.  I stayed home with my little one that is still recovering from hip surgery.  I didn't feel like venturing out.  I am always stuck feeling so 'awesome, not' when it comes to Mother's Day.  I really want to just give up, there is too much pressure for me.  I have never wanted to be selfish.  I would rather think of others than think of myself. 

I have been feeling very "exposed" lately, or feeling very vulnerable.  I admit, feeling vulnerable is not a comfortable feeling for me.  I read last week that feeling vulnerable is very courageous, it doesn't feel courageous, it actually makes me feel sick.  I was told that in order to feel comfortable with vulnerability, I needed to feel it more often.  I don't think so.

Lately, I have been leaving therapy feeling like "crap".  I have been reading about it and have been told this is very normal because I am uncovering my past.  I don't think I can do it anymore.  I don't want to be "strong" anymore.  I don't want to hurt anymore.