I sent a copy of my letters to my 8 year old self to my therapist.  As soon as I posted them I felt very vulnerable.  To be honest, just putting this out there is making me feel uncomfortable.  I even have felt like quitting therapy sounds really good right now, which is telling me that I have touched on a very uncomfortable situation and time in my life that I don't want to address.  The sad thing is, it is out in the open now and must be confronted.  (all I can say is Crap!!!)  My heart feels heavy and I want to break down and cry.  I am nervous about my session tomorrow because I just don't know if I want to go any further.

I have wondered what I am supposed to be learning from all of this.  I have also said that I was good before all of this happened with the Gospel.  I didn't think that my testimony could be any stronger than it was several years ago, before this happened.  I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and yes, it is not my plan but is the Lord's plan.  Now, I really have been fighting the Lord's plan, but you know what, he knows that.  He knew that I would fight it, and to be honest, he knew how I would handle this situation.  I have always felt that maybe, the risk was too great.  Was he ever worried that he would lose me?  I imagine that he has been very worried at times, because even I have worried. 

There are so many things from my past that I don't remember, and I am good that I don't remember them.  Although, there are times, that I do remember things from my past, I wish I could forget them again.  As I was growing up, I used to always feel that the 4 youngest were raised differently from the 3 oldest, and that me being in the middle I was somehow immune to the past of the 3 oldest.  I believed that my parents were different, and that the difference started with me.