Jade found me an opening to meet with him today.  I have to admit, I am very anxious.  My reaction to him being gone and not having another appointment until August 23rd is actually embarrassing.  He deserves to have a vacation with his family.  I am just sorry that it was even a big deal.  I have been thinking about my relationship with my Father versus my relationship with Heavenly Father as Jade brought up in our last session.  The Bishop has asked me to take a step back and look at Trust.  It really makes me sad to know how difficult it is to trust anyone, let alone my Heavenly Father.  I have read conference talks and scriptures, it sounds so easy, but in reality it is so hard for me to give someone else the controls. 

Therapy got to me again.  I went in to my last session, totally thinking that I had nothing to discuss.  Boy, was I wrong.  We even went over time.  I left my session so high strung.  My urge's to self-injure have been very strong.  I have never cut before but I can tell you that on Saturday as I sat in the bathtub I never wanted to self injure so much in my life.  I had to get out of the bathroom as fast as I could because it was that tempting.  I have since found other ways to self injure, by eating like crap and pulling at my hair, picking at my skin, etc.  I am at very high risk for MRSA as we found out that I am a carrier.  It has been really rough.

I have been doing an awful lot of thinking as I have been going thru this trial.  On Sunday, I had a spontaneous meeting with the Bishop.  He asked me to come over and then he asked about how I felt about his talk in Sacrament that day.  I have to admit, I listened but I think I dissociated a lot because I shut down.  There was too much going on with Terri and with my parents that I could hardly concentrate on anything else.  As we visited, I advised the Bishop that I truly believe that I was to go thru this trial to learn.  I feel I am to learn more about me, that I truly am a Daughter of God, and I also feel I am to learn more about the atonement.  As we talked I asked some questions about my medication because he is a therapist by trade.  Sometimes anti-depressants can cause someone to feel kind of flat, or not have any emotion.  That is how my medicine has made me feel, and it makes it truly difficult to feel the Spirit.  As I talked with the Bishop, I found that I needed to learn to feel the spirit in a different way, different from what I have had since being baptized at the age of 8.  The spirit did touch me that day with a feeling of peace.  It was almost a burning in my stomach, not my heart.  It filled me with love and understanding that I am doing what my Heavenly Father wants me to do, even though it is hard, and even though I don't understand.  I have to have Faith that he knows me better than I know myself.

My therapist wouldn't let me quit.  I talked with my parents and they are willing to help pay for therapy which is very nice of them.  So, I am still seeing Jade.  In our last session we talked a lot about the situation with Terri.  He again asked me not to contact her.  It made matters worse when Terri attempted to contact me on Rebecca's cell phone and then when she didn't get me there, she called my friend Wendy.  I felt like that was enough and texted Jade.  He advised me that I needed to remind her about her own boundary and so I did.  Needless to say, it did not go well.  She texted me again and let me know her frustrations with me.  I did not respond.  I figured it was best to just let things go.  I don't know if it is best or not, but I have too much going on to deal with right now.

This time, it is official.  I have had to quit therapy.  I got my mid month pay check.  Before my wages were being garnished, I could tell you where my paycheck was going and how much money I had left over.  Today, there is no money left over, and I don't even have enough to pay the small amount of bills that I need to pay with this paycheck.  I don't know what to do from here.  The only way that I figured I could somewhat "control the bleeding" was if I stopped therapy.  It's probably not a good thing, because I found that I can't afford my prescriptions either.  I am already out of Wellbutrin, and have not taken it for a couple of days.  I keep hoping that if I just ignore the entire situation that it will all go away.

Our neighbor's brother committed suicide yesterday at their home.  I am sure it was quite devastating for them.  From the brother's point of view, I can see how he might have felt as though he was a burden to his family.  I think we all feel like that at some point in our lives.  Some of us just don't forget the burden as easily as others.

Last night's session went well.  There were so many things to discuss.  I told my therapist that I didn't think I was ready to discuss my abandonment issues yet.  He was OK with that and so we moved forward.  We actually talked about a lot of things.  We discussed the abandonment issues, we talked about self-sabotage, and self fulfilling prophecies, and then we talked about self injury. 

I am finding that I might be addicted to self injuring my self.  There are many things that I do and this week I found that binge eating is not a good thing for me.  I had a lot of sugar on Wednesday afternoon-salt water taffy, my favorite- needless to say, after all of that sugar, my blood sugar levels plummeted.  It was very scary for me.  I became pale, and clammy, and cold, and shaky.  I called my Dr so we could see if it is something I need to address with him, but I think it is something that I need to address with Jade, my therapist. 

We talked about Terri and Jade has asked that I not receive any contact from her for at least 6 months, just until I am better able to have and set boundaries.  We talked about how a true friend will lift you up and encourage you, not make you feel anxious or bad about yourself. 

As I write this, it brings up a lot of emotion, and brings up memories of our discussion last night.  It's not all that good at this time.  I am feeling anxious as I read and reflect on self-fulfilling prophecy and self-sabotage.  I kept telling Jade that it wasn't fair to say, he kept saying that life wasn't fair. 

My therapist, bless his heart found me an appointment for tonight.  I am really anxious for our visit.  It does not feel like a good anxious either.  I have recognized that I have some major abandonment issues.  This is pretty hard to come to terms with.  The thoughts that this all stemmed from my relationship with my parents and family as I was young is pretty devastating actually to me.  I sit and think, why didn't my parents want to be close to me.  Was I a difficult child?  If all of my relationships have abandonment issues, then really why doesn't anyone want to be close to me?  What is a healthy relationship, why haven't I had one?  Have I ever had one?  If my abandonment issues are causing relationships in my everyday life, then that means it is affecting my relationship most importantly with my children and my husband.  My relationship with my husband is a whole other topic of conversation. 

My husband still does not have a job.  He doesn't really have the motivation to get one either.  I don't understand.  I then tend to think, why am I not worth him wanting to work?  Can you tell it becomes an ugly "catch 22" for me?  Does he really want to be with me in the Eternities?  Is he willing to do what is necessary to keep me in the Eternities?

My Father in law had some health issues last week.  I understand that my husband was thrown off a little by this.  Thankfully, his father is fine now and we can go back to address the issues at hand.

I have so much anxiety going on right now.  My home phone with internet has been disconnected because I can't afford to pay the bill.  My husband is very upset about it.  He still doesn't have a job, and has only looked at one place.  This is causing me a lot of stress.  My therapist wants me to try and go every two weeks between sessions.  I don't think I can do it.  I don't understand why he wants to do it.  I am not in the right frame of mind to go every 2 weeks.  I am not safe from myself. 

I went to the NAMI support group last night.  We usually just talk about our week.  We had a new individual in group that started talking about flashbacks.  Needless to say, it totally triggered me.  I was not ready for that, and not being able to see my therapist for 2 weeks, I was in a vulnerable state as it was, it did not make for a good mix. 

As I was walking out of group, I picked up a pamphlet on Borderline Personality.  It mentions in there that it is very hard for one with borderline to find a therapist, let alone keep a therapist.  I have been thru a lot of therapists, I feel, and this was also not a good mix.  After being dropped by a therapist, one leaving town, and then dropping a therapist for unethical reasons.  I am a perfect poster child for one that has gone thru their fair share of therapists. 

I can't do this anymore, I need a break from this mental illness crap.  Tomorrow is the 4th of July, a day where everyone gets a break from real life and gets to celebrate our freedom.  Unfortunately, mental illness never takes a vacation.  There are ways (medication, and therapy) to make the mental illness more controlled.  But, it doesn't go away. 

Today I found out at work that I never commit to anything (according to my boss).   Yesterday, my husband was reading a news article about bullying in the workplace.  I evidently fit the description of one that is being bullied by my boss.

My last therapy session was cancelled.  It was a good experiment to see what happens when I go 2 weeks between sessions.  It did not go well.  I did some things last week that I needed to process with my therapist.  It was good because my therapist allowed me to text.  Usually there is no response and we discuss my texts in my next session.  However, this week the therapist responded which really helped me thru some rough patches.

I dropped out of the AMAC group due to some conflict of interest.  Realistically it was because the therapist started talking about her own sex life.  I freaked out and was triggered and it is not worth it for me to go back.  When I dropped out, I contacted the therapists supervisor and reported what had happened.  Needless to say, she apologized, however it then left the group wondering who it was that told.  I knew that my anonymity would be in jeopardy and so I have contacted the therapist to let her know that it was me.

My head hurts.  The budget does not look good.  My husband still doesn't have a job, and the mortgage is due. 

When I was not able to see my therapist I kind of freaked out on myself and started self injuring.  I even got to the point where I didn't care if I got an infection or not.  I think I am still in that stage.