This last week I have struggled with another topic that we as an LDS community don't like to talk about and that is suicide. Last Sunday, a young man in our neighboring ward took his life leaving behind a wife and 4 children. He was 35 years old. Our home teacher yesterday brought a copy of the program from the service. He talked about choices and temple covenants. As he passed around that program to my children, I knew that the wheels in my 12 year olds head was turning. Last night, as we were getting ready for bed, she asked why someone would take their life. I told her that sometimes life was hard for people and they don't know how else to help themselves. That wasn't enough of an answer for her. I don't know if I did the right thing but I told her that there was a point where I had thought about it. We were able to talk about therapy and how it has helped me. She was concerned that this young man didn't get the help that he needed. I had to tell her that therapy isn't easy and sometimes it hurts more than it helps. We talked a lot about therapy so that she could understand that I wasn't going to therapy for a social hour. Therapy is really hard stuff. I think that it helped for me to talk openly with her but then I question if she will constantly be concerned that I would take my own life.
I am not going to lie, I have thought about it. I have thought a lot about it this week as I have watched a Ward family, a neighborhood, a community, mourn the loss of this young man. In our religion we often sing a hymn, and one of the lines to this particular hymn states "in the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eyes can't see". In our eyes, this young man had it all together, he had an amazing job, family, home, testimony, etc. In the Lord's eyes, there was a young man hurting. No one, not even his wife, saw the pain that he was carrying. Going thru my trial, it is very easy for me to understand. I think that is why my heart hurts so bad because I understand. I never thought I would. I have learned a lot about choices, but I have also learned a lot about forgiveness. Don't get me wrong, I have to work thru my forgiveness on a lot of levels. But, I know that many in the LDS faith may think that this young man could never be forgiven for taking his life. But, I know without a doubt that the Lord probably has the best therapists working with this young man on the other side. He will be forgiven. It will be hard for his family, many hearts will need to be mended. But, the Lord can heal, and he will.
Yesterday, we had a lesson on self reliance. We talked about the usual, get your food storage in order, etc. Our past Bishop was the concluding speaker, and he talked about spiritual preparedness. Right now, I am in the middle of my storm. I thought that I had enough "spiritual food storage" to see me thru anything. I was so wrong. My "spiritual food storage" is pretty much depleted and I don't have a whole lot left to live on, and my storm is not over.
I scheduled an appointment with LDS Family for marriage therapy. We are supposed to go tomorrow. I have thought about nothing else in the last week and a half since I scheduled the appointment. I don't think I can do it. After I was sent away from LDS Family I felt that I didn't fit into their realm. They really concentrate on addiction recovery. Well, I have some addictions, but the pain from sexual abuse, far out weighs my addictions. I could not even do the first step to their addiction recovery program because it is "trust in the Lord", and I struggle to trust at all. Our church's primary focus is on the family. We believe that families are forever. I get that my marriage is important. I get that I made temple covenants to both my husband and the Lord. In The Doctrine and Covenants there is a scripture that states "And if it so be that you should labor all your days in crying repentance unto this people, and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father!"
The question that I have is this, what if I am that one soul? Right now, I am trying to save myself. There is not enough in my "spiritual food storage" to save myself, my marriage, my children.
I will be honest, after I was sent away from LDS Family, it was hard for me to separate them from the LDS Church. I was really hurt. I felt like LDS Family was telling me that I should have been able to handle all of the crap that I have been dealt with, and I should have been able to do it in 30 sessions. I should have been able to forgive and move on. I have found that it will probably take my lifetime, and realistically, it will take some of Eternity to really complete the healing process when I will see my brother again. When we meet again, we are definitely going to need to sit down and have a chat but this time it will be on my terms.
My Bishop asked if before I went into LDS Family if I would be determined to save my marriage. My first therapist with LDS Family said to me in my session several months ago "divorce is not an option." I cry myself to sleep every night as I try to sort thru my thoughts. My 9 year old asked last night why I was still sleeping in her room. My 12 year old, in all her wisdom turned to her and said "it's either that or she sleeps somewhere else while she and dad work things out." I have great kids.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Thursday, July 26, 2012
I have been doing a lot of reading. An interesting thing I have found is this 1 in 4 women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime. So, I wanted to know how vast that was. I was thinking about my religion. This means to me, that in every young women's class there are probably 2 sitting in that room that will be abused. In an average Relief Society room there are probably 10 to 15. I researched and according to the American Cancer Society, 1 in 8 women will contract breast cancer. Your odds of being violated by sexual abuse or rape are double that of having breast cancer. And the sad thing is sexual abuse knows no age. There are babies being violated, on up to 90 year old women in rest homes. On my walk this morning, I started thinking about my ward. Thinking of the women that I sit with each week in Relief Society. Trying to figure out on an average Sunday how many in our room could have been abused. Then I started thinking, odds are, there are many women that have been abused that are not sitting in the Relief Society room. Who am I kidding, I left Relief Society last week and didn't go back?
As I said in an earlier post, I am LDS, and I am very grateful for the gospel principles that I have been taught. However, I have found in my journey, that not many people want to openly talk about sexual abuse in the LDS community. The point that I was trying to make in my paragraph above is that HELLO, why are we not talking about it? We openly talk about breast cancer. We mourn the women that have been affected by it. We do early detection to avoid it killing us. Please don't get me wrong, I have found many articles on LDS.org in regards to abuse. Richard G Scott wrote a very powerful one on the effects of sexual abuse.
I know it takes so much courage for one to admit that they have been sexually abused. I am still dealing with it. Hence the private blog. As I said to my friend yesterday, I have to re-learn every relationship that I have. My relationship with my daughters, my husband, my parents, my siblings. Every last relationship has been affected. I have to re-learn my relationship with myself.
Again on my walk I was thinking of my life as a mother. My relationship with my Heavenly Father, has affected my daughters relationship with their Heavenly Father. I have to admit I even said in my head that I sucked as a Mom. As I listened to the Tabernacle Choir sing A Child's Prayer I realized that I have missed out on a lot of intimate moments with my daughters in saying their prayers because of my lack of prayer.
There is so much work to be done. Many years ago, on my public blog I mentioned that I wanted to write a book about "women of faith". I have met some amazing women in my life. They are always very quick to recognize the tender mercies that come from their Heavenly Father. They have gone thru hard things and have risen above so much that it would be very easy to write that book. I must admit, my thoughts have changed. There are stories to be told, and honestly they are my stories. I have always felt that everything happens for a reason. I promise, I am going to get thru this, and yes, eventually there will be a book written. When I figure out all of this mess, and when I am ready to share my story, I will share it. Because, 1 in 4 is to big for us to ignore. 1 in 4 don't know if they will ever have their heart stop hurting. 1 in 4 don't know that they are "daughters of a Heavenly Father that loves them". And sadly, 1 in 4 have days where they wish they weren't alive. It's too big for anyone to ignore and unfortunately, it is happening in LDS homes everywhere. We all have choices. Eventually abuse will go away because the Lord has promised that when he comes to the Earth to reign-Satan will be bound. We will know what paradisiacal glory really is, we have to wait for it, and we have to earn it. I know I really want it!
As I said in an earlier post, I am LDS, and I am very grateful for the gospel principles that I have been taught. However, I have found in my journey, that not many people want to openly talk about sexual abuse in the LDS community. The point that I was trying to make in my paragraph above is that HELLO, why are we not talking about it? We openly talk about breast cancer. We mourn the women that have been affected by it. We do early detection to avoid it killing us. Please don't get me wrong, I have found many articles on LDS.org in regards to abuse. Richard G Scott wrote a very powerful one on the effects of sexual abuse.
I know it takes so much courage for one to admit that they have been sexually abused. I am still dealing with it. Hence the private blog. As I said to my friend yesterday, I have to re-learn every relationship that I have. My relationship with my daughters, my husband, my parents, my siblings. Every last relationship has been affected. I have to re-learn my relationship with myself.
Again on my walk I was thinking of my life as a mother. My relationship with my Heavenly Father, has affected my daughters relationship with their Heavenly Father. I have to admit I even said in my head that I sucked as a Mom. As I listened to the Tabernacle Choir sing A Child's Prayer I realized that I have missed out on a lot of intimate moments with my daughters in saying their prayers because of my lack of prayer.
There is so much work to be done. Many years ago, on my public blog I mentioned that I wanted to write a book about "women of faith". I have met some amazing women in my life. They are always very quick to recognize the tender mercies that come from their Heavenly Father. They have gone thru hard things and have risen above so much that it would be very easy to write that book. I must admit, my thoughts have changed. There are stories to be told, and honestly they are my stories. I have always felt that everything happens for a reason. I promise, I am going to get thru this, and yes, eventually there will be a book written. When I figure out all of this mess, and when I am ready to share my story, I will share it. Because, 1 in 4 is to big for us to ignore. 1 in 4 don't know if they will ever have their heart stop hurting. 1 in 4 don't know that they are "daughters of a Heavenly Father that loves them". And sadly, 1 in 4 have days where they wish they weren't alive. It's too big for anyone to ignore and unfortunately, it is happening in LDS homes everywhere. We all have choices. Eventually abuse will go away because the Lord has promised that when he comes to the Earth to reign-Satan will be bound. We will know what paradisiacal glory really is, we have to wait for it, and we have to earn it. I know I really want it!
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Today is Sunday. Today is supposed to be a day of rest. My mind hasn't rested in a long time. To be honest, last night I even looked for something to help me sleep, I couldn't find anything, so I just went to bed. I don't sleep much. I am even starting to look old and tired. I haven't slept well in a very long time.
Yesterday, I went for my weekly walk to the Bountiful Temple. It is a hard walk, but I have it down to where I don't even need to stop and take a breather going up the hill. The mountain breeze is so beautiful. I love feeling that wind. I love listening to the quaking aspen, and I love to look for deer. I love to hear the rushing of the water. I have seen a lot of ugly bugs, and snakes. Yesterday, for the first time I saw an empty Vodka bottle on my walk, evidently I am not the only one that goes to the mountains to get away! (Don't worry, I haven't taken up drinking, but I will not lie, I have been tempted! I have found that just by breathing I can make myself just as numb as drinking does!) I really do have to figure out the back trails. I do have a fear of getting lost, again another truth about me, there have been times where I have thought that getting lost would be a good thing!
I was reading my scriptures, in preparation for my Sunday School lesson. Last week, I prepared a lesson and ended up with no students. So, what is my purpose as a Sunday School teacher if no one comes? As I read the scriptures, I struggled internally with myself. I read of Ammon "I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength, I can do all things". I have been told I am in "survival mode". So, how do I get out? How do I become like Ammon, where I have the faith that I can say "I can do all things?" How do I teach a bunch of teenagers when I can't teach myself? I asked the Bishop if I could be released? I haven't gotten a reply. I know it is the Lord that releases me, but I am so not sure I can do this.
I was on my walk earlier this week, and a member of the Relief Society presidency stopped me and asked if I was OK because last week during the lesson, I looked sad. I sat by myself, and I sat in silence last week. The lesson was on sharing the gospel. You hear people say that they shy away from it. When it happens it just happens. The spirit does guide you to share your testimony when the time is right. I know, because I have felt it. The thing they don't tell you, is that you need to be so prepared for the fact that yes, there may be a time where you will be rejected. I was not prepared. I am still not prepared. I still can't believe how deep those wounds are for me.
Yesterday in therapy, I talked to my therapist about some emotions that I had been having over the week as I read about sexual abuse. Now, granted I am still very shocked that there is not any LDS books about sexual abuse in print at this time. Because, yes, it does happen in strong LDS homes. We didn't have alcohol in our home, or tobacco (well, at least it wasn't purchased by my parents, my siblings are another story!). We read daily scriptures, we said daily family prayers, but it still happens. We talked about some of my emotions such as anger, fear, and love. She kept coming back to shame. I didn't understand what she was saying, I thought I was still dealing with anger. But, as I said before, therapy doesn't end when you walk out of the office (which sucks!), and I think I get what she was trying to say. I don't understand it, I still have to do some thinking, pondering, and research, but I think she was trying to get me to think about the shame that I am carrying (again, sucks!). I am having another damn it moment in my life.
Yesterday, I went for my weekly walk to the Bountiful Temple. It is a hard walk, but I have it down to where I don't even need to stop and take a breather going up the hill. The mountain breeze is so beautiful. I love feeling that wind. I love listening to the quaking aspen, and I love to look for deer. I love to hear the rushing of the water. I have seen a lot of ugly bugs, and snakes. Yesterday, for the first time I saw an empty Vodka bottle on my walk, evidently I am not the only one that goes to the mountains to get away! (Don't worry, I haven't taken up drinking, but I will not lie, I have been tempted! I have found that just by breathing I can make myself just as numb as drinking does!) I really do have to figure out the back trails. I do have a fear of getting lost, again another truth about me, there have been times where I have thought that getting lost would be a good thing!
I was reading my scriptures, in preparation for my Sunday School lesson. Last week, I prepared a lesson and ended up with no students. So, what is my purpose as a Sunday School teacher if no one comes? As I read the scriptures, I struggled internally with myself. I read of Ammon "I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength, I can do all things". I have been told I am in "survival mode". So, how do I get out? How do I become like Ammon, where I have the faith that I can say "I can do all things?" How do I teach a bunch of teenagers when I can't teach myself? I asked the Bishop if I could be released? I haven't gotten a reply. I know it is the Lord that releases me, but I am so not sure I can do this.
I was on my walk earlier this week, and a member of the Relief Society presidency stopped me and asked if I was OK because last week during the lesson, I looked sad. I sat by myself, and I sat in silence last week. The lesson was on sharing the gospel. You hear people say that they shy away from it. When it happens it just happens. The spirit does guide you to share your testimony when the time is right. I know, because I have felt it. The thing they don't tell you, is that you need to be so prepared for the fact that yes, there may be a time where you will be rejected. I was not prepared. I am still not prepared. I still can't believe how deep those wounds are for me.
Yesterday in therapy, I talked to my therapist about some emotions that I had been having over the week as I read about sexual abuse. Now, granted I am still very shocked that there is not any LDS books about sexual abuse in print at this time. Because, yes, it does happen in strong LDS homes. We didn't have alcohol in our home, or tobacco (well, at least it wasn't purchased by my parents, my siblings are another story!). We read daily scriptures, we said daily family prayers, but it still happens. We talked about some of my emotions such as anger, fear, and love. She kept coming back to shame. I didn't understand what she was saying, I thought I was still dealing with anger. But, as I said before, therapy doesn't end when you walk out of the office (which sucks!), and I think I get what she was trying to say. I don't understand it, I still have to do some thinking, pondering, and research, but I think she was trying to get me to think about the shame that I am carrying (again, sucks!). I am having another damn it moment in my life.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
So, I am completely in my emotional mind. I don't know how to get out. I have a lot of issues and thoughts racing thru my head. I have not slept in the same room with my husband in almost 2 weeks. He is struggling to get into good graces with me. He asks me if he scares me. Are you kidding? I am afraid to get close again, I don't want my heart hurt again. I don't want to hurt my children again.
I know that I need to have some marriage therapy to fix our marriage. So, I called LDS Family Services to help with that. I have to tell 3 secretaries my story of being sent away from LDS Family Services to even be told that they will have to go to management to see if they can schedule me in. I have to admit, that has caused a lot of emotion for me again. I don't think I am OK with what they did by sending me away the first time. The thoughts of walking back in to their offices makes my stomach churn and my head hurt. I still don't have an appointment because the secretary that did finally get with management had gone for the day. I don't know if I can do it. It almost seems easier to sleep in my kids room for a little while longer. I am not going to lie, I am still very hurt by what happened. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason, but with this situation, I am not seeing it. To go thru two therapists and still not be done with the healing causes new wounds. Once again I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough.
My Bishop has always been one of my safe people. I also find that I overwhelm him very easily. I feel I have told him way too much. I struggle with the fact that he knows so much about me that I tend to shy away from him. I need to pay my tithing but the thought of going up to him and handing him my tithing is freaking me out a little. I find in the chapel during Sacrament meeting that I choose to hide behind people so he doesn't see me. The day that I had my first flashback I did not know who else to turn to so it was to my Bishop.
Next week is our last group session. I have met some amazing people. I have not opened up to this group very much and allowed them to help me like I should. Yesterday, it was obvious when one of the ladies started asking some deep questions wanting me to open up. The therapist could see that I was feeling a little uncomfortable and diverted the situation. I missed process group and I didn't feel like it was an appropriate place for me to process everything that has been going on around me this week.
All of this sucks. I cry a lot. I have a lot to work thru and often I am overwhelmed by myself.
I know that I need to have some marriage therapy to fix our marriage. So, I called LDS Family Services to help with that. I have to tell 3 secretaries my story of being sent away from LDS Family Services to even be told that they will have to go to management to see if they can schedule me in. I have to admit, that has caused a lot of emotion for me again. I don't think I am OK with what they did by sending me away the first time. The thoughts of walking back in to their offices makes my stomach churn and my head hurt. I still don't have an appointment because the secretary that did finally get with management had gone for the day. I don't know if I can do it. It almost seems easier to sleep in my kids room for a little while longer. I am not going to lie, I am still very hurt by what happened. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason, but with this situation, I am not seeing it. To go thru two therapists and still not be done with the healing causes new wounds. Once again I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough.
My Bishop has always been one of my safe people. I also find that I overwhelm him very easily. I feel I have told him way too much. I struggle with the fact that he knows so much about me that I tend to shy away from him. I need to pay my tithing but the thought of going up to him and handing him my tithing is freaking me out a little. I find in the chapel during Sacrament meeting that I choose to hide behind people so he doesn't see me. The day that I had my first flashback I did not know who else to turn to so it was to my Bishop.
Next week is our last group session. I have met some amazing people. I have not opened up to this group very much and allowed them to help me like I should. Yesterday, it was obvious when one of the ladies started asking some deep questions wanting me to open up. The therapist could see that I was feeling a little uncomfortable and diverted the situation. I missed process group and I didn't feel like it was an appropriate place for me to process everything that has been going on around me this week.
All of this sucks. I cry a lot. I have a lot to work thru and often I am overwhelmed by myself.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
My emotions are everywhere. If I had to describe them I would have fear, anxiety, and sadness. I haven't slept very well for almost 2 weeks. All of the reading I have done is making me exhausted. I have slowed down the reading because I have other things I have to worry about.
My husband started working full time last week at the Deseret Industries. He comes home exhausted. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful he is working. But, unfortunately, I work full time as well, and still have to come home and do the chores that the kids fight over. OK I don't HAVE to, but I have some OCD and refuse to cook in a dirty kitchen. I don't know, maybe it is the retired food handler's permit in me, but I can't do it.
I love my girls. They are struggling with their father right now as well. They don't see it being fair either and struggle to respect him as their Dad. In the mean time, I am supposed to hold this all together. Last night was family night in our church. Our oldest is in a Young Adult ward. She leaves every Monday night, that is her calling. Our middle 2 went swimming with friends. Munchkin, Mom and Dad were left. I had sent a text to the Bishop regarding some matters. He then advised me that "in the light of the situation that happened last week, I should be having Family Home Evening". Please throw some salt in my "imperfect family" wounds. I have to admit it hurt. Hello doesn't he know that I know far more about the "situation" that happened last week than he does? I am the one living in the aftermath. It has been hell, and I don't know if I will recover.
Why do I have fear? I fear for my family. I fear for my job. I fear for me. Going thru all this crap is scary stuff for me. I have been a very private person. Now, I know why, because it was easier for me to hide. I don't like it when people are disappointed in me. I feel like I have done that a lot lately. I told my friend that I have so much to change that it would be easier if I just started all over with life.
I have anxiety as I try to sort thru all of the pain. I literally have a headache every day. I miss my bed. My bed is very comfortable to me, my daughters, not so much. When my husband leaves for work, I go in and lay in my bed. I don't know what I want. I asked my kids if they understood why I was sleeping in their room? My oldest, bless her heart, turned to me in all seriousness said "We thought it was because you wanted to have a sleepover with your daughters!" They are all very aware of what is going on. I really have some great kids. Hopefully I am not scarring them for life.
I have sadness because so much of my past is starting to make sense for me. I am sad that I had this perfect childhood-in my dreams. I read that one of the hardest things about abuse is what it does to the child's spirit relationship with their Heavenly Father. I am shocked about how true this is, even for me. I thought that I had a testimony. I thought that my testimony was enough. Don't get me wrong, I know I have a testimony of the Prophet Joseph Smith. I know that the First Vision happened. I don't have any doubt about that. I also know that Jesus Christ suffered in Gethsemane, that he suffered for the sins of the world, and that he does live again. Again, I have no doubt. That's where it ends. I have had tender mercies in my life. I know they exist. But, it is so hard for me to comprehend that something good is going to come out of this trial. It is so hard for me to comprehend that I have a Heavely Father that hasn't left me alone because so much of this has left me feeling very alone. I admit, I haven't let him in much either. You have no idea how much I have rationalized prayer. Because all of this came out in the open as an answer to a prayer. I say little snippits of prayer here and there, when I just need a little bit of help. But, sincere, heartfelt prayers are very scary for me. I keep telling myself that the Lord can't answer me with any worse than what he has answered.
The flashbacks are in the back of my head, but I can recall them at any point when I want. My heart still aches every time I recall them. He was my brother, I loved him. I hate that I have to forgive him for so much. I hate that I trusted him. I hate that he was so mean to me and I overlooked all of it.
My husband started working full time last week at the Deseret Industries. He comes home exhausted. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful he is working. But, unfortunately, I work full time as well, and still have to come home and do the chores that the kids fight over. OK I don't HAVE to, but I have some OCD and refuse to cook in a dirty kitchen. I don't know, maybe it is the retired food handler's permit in me, but I can't do it.
I love my girls. They are struggling with their father right now as well. They don't see it being fair either and struggle to respect him as their Dad. In the mean time, I am supposed to hold this all together. Last night was family night in our church. Our oldest is in a Young Adult ward. She leaves every Monday night, that is her calling. Our middle 2 went swimming with friends. Munchkin, Mom and Dad were left. I had sent a text to the Bishop regarding some matters. He then advised me that "in the light of the situation that happened last week, I should be having Family Home Evening". Please throw some salt in my "imperfect family" wounds. I have to admit it hurt. Hello doesn't he know that I know far more about the "situation" that happened last week than he does? I am the one living in the aftermath. It has been hell, and I don't know if I will recover.
Why do I have fear? I fear for my family. I fear for my job. I fear for me. Going thru all this crap is scary stuff for me. I have been a very private person. Now, I know why, because it was easier for me to hide. I don't like it when people are disappointed in me. I feel like I have done that a lot lately. I told my friend that I have so much to change that it would be easier if I just started all over with life.
I have anxiety as I try to sort thru all of the pain. I literally have a headache every day. I miss my bed. My bed is very comfortable to me, my daughters, not so much. When my husband leaves for work, I go in and lay in my bed. I don't know what I want. I asked my kids if they understood why I was sleeping in their room? My oldest, bless her heart, turned to me in all seriousness said "We thought it was because you wanted to have a sleepover with your daughters!" They are all very aware of what is going on. I really have some great kids. Hopefully I am not scarring them for life.
I have sadness because so much of my past is starting to make sense for me. I am sad that I had this perfect childhood-in my dreams. I read that one of the hardest things about abuse is what it does to the child's spirit relationship with their Heavenly Father. I am shocked about how true this is, even for me. I thought that I had a testimony. I thought that my testimony was enough. Don't get me wrong, I know I have a testimony of the Prophet Joseph Smith. I know that the First Vision happened. I don't have any doubt about that. I also know that Jesus Christ suffered in Gethsemane, that he suffered for the sins of the world, and that he does live again. Again, I have no doubt. That's where it ends. I have had tender mercies in my life. I know they exist. But, it is so hard for me to comprehend that something good is going to come out of this trial. It is so hard for me to comprehend that I have a Heavely Father that hasn't left me alone because so much of this has left me feeling very alone. I admit, I haven't let him in much either. You have no idea how much I have rationalized prayer. Because all of this came out in the open as an answer to a prayer. I say little snippits of prayer here and there, when I just need a little bit of help. But, sincere, heartfelt prayers are very scary for me. I keep telling myself that the Lord can't answer me with any worse than what he has answered.
The flashbacks are in the back of my head, but I can recall them at any point when I want. My heart still aches every time I recall them. He was my brother, I loved him. I hate that I have to forgive him for so much. I hate that I trusted him. I hate that he was so mean to me and I overlooked all of it.
Monday, July 16, 2012
I have been doing a lot of reading. I went to the library and asked for help in finding books about sexual abuse. It took a lot of courage to do that because I needed help looking for them. The girl walked me over to the section and honestly, I stood there and cried. It's not a topic that many people read about unless they have either lived it, or have lived with someone that has lived it.
I checked out 5 books. I have already read thru 3 of them. I am shocked about how much of it is me. I have a lot of issues that can be related back to the abuse. I am slowly uncovering them, not by my choice, but they are being exposed.
One of the things that has been hard for me is where it has taken me in my relationship with my daughters. As I read over the weekend, one book indicated that often the memories will come when you are around a child that was around your age when the abuse started. I have a daughter that is just like me. If she were my age, we would be twins. I didn't think about it until I read it, but I am afraid that I am reacting to her because I am reacting to my past. Yesterday I put her in time out because she was acting very inappropriately. As I walked her in to her room, she called me a very hurtful name. In a way, not only was I abusing her, but she was abusing me. Right now, our home life is not good. There is a lot of stress. The pressure is mounting again.
My husband has been working full time for 2 days. He comes home exhausted. Yesterday, the kids fought because they had to do their chores on Sunday as their Dad just sat there. They even yelled at him because he didn't have to do anything yesterday but go to church. Yes, he is the only one that didn't have to clean yesterday.
I struggle with physical contact right now. He tells me often that he loves me. I say "I know". I don't know what to do. He wants to kiss, he wants to be intimate, I can't right now. I am trying so hard to figure out what "love" is. When he tells me he loves me, what does that mean? In my reading I realize that I am not alone in feeling like that, but yet, right now, he can't relate to me. In his eyes, he has done everything that he is supposed to do so I should be able to start loving him again. Love isn't like that, it isn't a switch that you just turn on and off.
I'm going to be honest, I don't know if I can do this. Friday night, I started thinking that maybe it would have been better if I was the one that left home. My poor kids, they are so confused. Do I snuggle with Daddy or do I snuggle with Mommy? How do you choose between one or the other? Who do I sit by, who do I hug first?
Yesterday was his dad's birthday. I don't know if he even got a phone call from his son. I can't be responsible for that anymore. I have to admit, it is hard for me to take the step back. The old me would have been up there yesterday with a gift in my hand, making it look good, making sure everyone was pleased with me and my little family. The new me, doesn't care (OK, still a little caring).
I checked out 5 books. I have already read thru 3 of them. I am shocked about how much of it is me. I have a lot of issues that can be related back to the abuse. I am slowly uncovering them, not by my choice, but they are being exposed.
One of the things that has been hard for me is where it has taken me in my relationship with my daughters. As I read over the weekend, one book indicated that often the memories will come when you are around a child that was around your age when the abuse started. I have a daughter that is just like me. If she were my age, we would be twins. I didn't think about it until I read it, but I am afraid that I am reacting to her because I am reacting to my past. Yesterday I put her in time out because she was acting very inappropriately. As I walked her in to her room, she called me a very hurtful name. In a way, not only was I abusing her, but she was abusing me. Right now, our home life is not good. There is a lot of stress. The pressure is mounting again.
My husband has been working full time for 2 days. He comes home exhausted. Yesterday, the kids fought because they had to do their chores on Sunday as their Dad just sat there. They even yelled at him because he didn't have to do anything yesterday but go to church. Yes, he is the only one that didn't have to clean yesterday.
I struggle with physical contact right now. He tells me often that he loves me. I say "I know". I don't know what to do. He wants to kiss, he wants to be intimate, I can't right now. I am trying so hard to figure out what "love" is. When he tells me he loves me, what does that mean? In my reading I realize that I am not alone in feeling like that, but yet, right now, he can't relate to me. In his eyes, he has done everything that he is supposed to do so I should be able to start loving him again. Love isn't like that, it isn't a switch that you just turn on and off.
I'm going to be honest, I don't know if I can do this. Friday night, I started thinking that maybe it would have been better if I was the one that left home. My poor kids, they are so confused. Do I snuggle with Daddy or do I snuggle with Mommy? How do you choose between one or the other? Who do I sit by, who do I hug first?
Yesterday was his dad's birthday. I don't know if he even got a phone call from his son. I can't be responsible for that anymore. I have to admit, it is hard for me to take the step back. The old me would have been up there yesterday with a gift in my hand, making it look good, making sure everyone was pleased with me and my little family. The new me, doesn't care (OK, still a little caring).
Friday, July 13, 2012
How should an LDS man treat his wife? I have "googled" that question probably 10 times in the last 2 days as I work to figure out what I want in a marriage. My husband is trying hard and I have to commend him for his efforts. I am scared. I cry a lot. I haven't slept in my bed for days as I search for what it is that I really want. I am afraid to write my list. The last thing my husband said to my children before he left our home on Sunday is "nothing I will ever do, will be good enough for her." So, now as I think of my list, I worry. I worry about being "greedy", or "selfish". Have I been "high maintenance"? I don't think so, but that "maintenance" has been from me, providing it for myself.
As I said in my post yesterday. A wife should be her husband's "first". His "first priority", the first person he thinks of. The first thing he thinks of. Trust me when I say, I have been doing a lot of reading. "Man is nothing" without his wife in the church. I have never been "first" in anything. I remember when we were dating my husband had been doing a lot of sports, playing, coaching, etc. He turned to me one night and said to me "this is who I am, you can't change that." He's right, I can't change him. I can only change me. I was OK for so long with the way he was.
One of the questions that my therapist asked of me was "what made me fall in love with my husband?" I have never completed that homework assignment. I must admit, in the last 5 days, I have asked myself that question probably a thousand times.
Even at the age of 19, I knew I was supposed to marry him. I remember when it hit me that I was going to marry him. I knew before he even knew. I was scared. I wanted so much out of life. I remember writing in Young Women's what I wanted in a husband. Good looking, loving, loved children, priesthood holder etc. Remember, I was young, had no idea what was ahead of me, had never paid a bill before in my life, I didn't know anything about budgeting, I had a part time job and went to school. I thought that was what people did. Then we got engaged. We struggled to find a ring, I didn't want to go into debt for a ring. Needless to say, I didn't know he didn't have money then. Time for the Temple Recommend, I didn't know he hadn't paid tithing. I over looked it. We finally make it to the Temple. Even when we scheduled the ceremony, we had to have the last appointment because he was not going to wake up at 5:30 to get married. I again, over looked it. Our honeymoon, the keys to the room were switched and we walked in to a room with the TV on, the bed turned down, towels all over the floor, "you stay here, I will go and see what's going on". OK, I did, it was totally someone else's room we walked into. One week into marriage, our car was repossessed, the day after we return from our honeymoon with the in-laws. I have never been his "first". I didn't have a choice, we needed money to survive. I worked two jobs until I got pregnant with our first.
Were all of those experiences "red flags"? Was someone trying to tell me something, and I didn't listen? I realize that I have not been the perfect wife for him. I know that I have gotten upset with him and probably "belittled" him. I have called him an "ass" a couple times when I have gotten to the end of my rope. I also understand that my abuse has put a wedge in between us when it comes to the intimacy in our marriage. I am trying. I am trying so hard to understand. I know it sucks for him that he can't touch me. But, please be understanding, don't be angry with me.
Again, I ask, how is an LDS man supposed to treat his wife? Who teaches them this? Do they learn from their parents? Is the wife supposed to teach him? I was told to marry a man that respected his mother. I thought I did that. Did she demand it and because I didn't he doesn't have to respect me? I thought it was just a given that a husband would respect his wife. We have not been a partnership ever. That is hard to comprehend for me. As I said in front of the Bishop 3 weeks ago, I have given my all to this family. I have sacrificed my time, I even sacrificed my life so that I could give birth to our last daughter. I have given EVERYTHING to this family.
As I said in my post yesterday. A wife should be her husband's "first". His "first priority", the first person he thinks of. The first thing he thinks of. Trust me when I say, I have been doing a lot of reading. "Man is nothing" without his wife in the church. I have never been "first" in anything. I remember when we were dating my husband had been doing a lot of sports, playing, coaching, etc. He turned to me one night and said to me "this is who I am, you can't change that." He's right, I can't change him. I can only change me. I was OK for so long with the way he was.
One of the questions that my therapist asked of me was "what made me fall in love with my husband?" I have never completed that homework assignment. I must admit, in the last 5 days, I have asked myself that question probably a thousand times.
Even at the age of 19, I knew I was supposed to marry him. I remember when it hit me that I was going to marry him. I knew before he even knew. I was scared. I wanted so much out of life. I remember writing in Young Women's what I wanted in a husband. Good looking, loving, loved children, priesthood holder etc. Remember, I was young, had no idea what was ahead of me, had never paid a bill before in my life, I didn't know anything about budgeting, I had a part time job and went to school. I thought that was what people did. Then we got engaged. We struggled to find a ring, I didn't want to go into debt for a ring. Needless to say, I didn't know he didn't have money then. Time for the Temple Recommend, I didn't know he hadn't paid tithing. I over looked it. We finally make it to the Temple. Even when we scheduled the ceremony, we had to have the last appointment because he was not going to wake up at 5:30 to get married. I again, over looked it. Our honeymoon, the keys to the room were switched and we walked in to a room with the TV on, the bed turned down, towels all over the floor, "you stay here, I will go and see what's going on". OK, I did, it was totally someone else's room we walked into. One week into marriage, our car was repossessed, the day after we return from our honeymoon with the in-laws. I have never been his "first". I didn't have a choice, we needed money to survive. I worked two jobs until I got pregnant with our first.
Were all of those experiences "red flags"? Was someone trying to tell me something, and I didn't listen? I realize that I have not been the perfect wife for him. I know that I have gotten upset with him and probably "belittled" him. I have called him an "ass" a couple times when I have gotten to the end of my rope. I also understand that my abuse has put a wedge in between us when it comes to the intimacy in our marriage. I am trying. I am trying so hard to understand. I know it sucks for him that he can't touch me. But, please be understanding, don't be angry with me.
Again, I ask, how is an LDS man supposed to treat his wife? Who teaches them this? Do they learn from their parents? Is the wife supposed to teach him? I was told to marry a man that respected his mother. I thought I did that. Did she demand it and because I didn't he doesn't have to respect me? I thought it was just a given that a husband would respect his wife. We have not been a partnership ever. That is hard to comprehend for me. As I said in front of the Bishop 3 weeks ago, I have given my all to this family. I have sacrificed my time, I even sacrificed my life so that I could give birth to our last daughter. I have given EVERYTHING to this family.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
So many things have happened since I last wrote. Some things I need to remember but would rather forget.
Last week, one of my friends, gave the most precious gift that one could ever give a loved one. It was the gift of "letting go". She allowed her Mother to leave this Earth. All the hurt and pain that goes with it, she gave her that precious gift of going back to live with our Heavenly Father. As a friend, I felt every ache and pain that she went thru as she struggled to make that decision with her family. It also brought up all the pains of when I with my family had to make that difficult decision for my Sister. My friend, one night told me how hard it was to watch her father break down, and honestly, it was as if I was living that moment all over again, when I saw my own father break down. As a child you feel completely helpless. You want to take away that pain but you can't so you just watch it happen.
On Friday, I received a "text" from one of my therapists advising me that they did not "feel good about continuing" to see me. I have thought really, who fails therapy twice? I have wondered what I did wrong, what could I have done differently?
On Sunday, I snapped. I read the Ensign "Husbands and wives should understand that their first calling-from which they will never be released-is to one another and then to their children". Sadly, I talked with my husband about how I have never been his "first". There were some painful words spoken and I asked him to leave. We broke it to our children. Right now things in our marriage are not OK. The girls cried. It was very hard to be a part of. All the thoughts go thru your mind-What have I done? How did I let it go this long? So much of me wanted to say "never mind", but it is not OK. And after having watched the pain that I put my children thru, I could not do it again. Sunday night, my husband walked out the door and spent the night with his parents.
Monday morning, he came back home. Supposedly a changed person. But, I changed too. As he sat in front of me and asked for a second chance, all of the feelings of "resentment" came to the surface for me. I asked him, if someone had killed one of our children, would you think after 1 night of soul searching that you could say OK? Knowing you were never getting that child back? In a way, he has done that to me 4 times as he has been in our home day in and day out with our daughters, all 4 of them while I worked. I will never know what it was like to be here for our little ones as they made their tents in their bedroom, played with their dolls, legos, etc. My baby starts school this year and I will never have that back. I don't want to resent, I don't want to be hurt, or angry. I want to be OK with where I am and what I have gone thru. But, all of this doesn't happen for me in one night. So, he may be in our home but I have slept in the girls room or on the floor ever since. I don't want to confuse my children by making think that because Daddy went and applied for a job that Mommy is OK, because I'm not. Not Yet!
I talked on Monday night with the only therapist I haven't burned out. We talked about being dropped by my other therapist and then we went right into what I wanted in my marriage. We realized that my husband might be confused with what I really "want" in my marriage. I am confused. I am unsure of my own "wants" and "needs". I feel selfish or greedy when I ask things of him. Again, a want or a need? I don't know how a woman should be treated in a marriage because this is all I know.
On Monday as we talked I pointed out some areas where even within the first week of our marriage there was turmoil. His reply was that he "was young." No, he was 30, he should have been the more mature one, I was the "young" one. In reality, it doesn't matter who was the young one. We both made covenants, to each other, and to our Father in Heaven. We have both fallen short in that area. I don't know what the future holds for me and for my girls, and I don't know where I stand with my husband.
Last week, one of my friends, gave the most precious gift that one could ever give a loved one. It was the gift of "letting go". She allowed her Mother to leave this Earth. All the hurt and pain that goes with it, she gave her that precious gift of going back to live with our Heavenly Father. As a friend, I felt every ache and pain that she went thru as she struggled to make that decision with her family. It also brought up all the pains of when I with my family had to make that difficult decision for my Sister. My friend, one night told me how hard it was to watch her father break down, and honestly, it was as if I was living that moment all over again, when I saw my own father break down. As a child you feel completely helpless. You want to take away that pain but you can't so you just watch it happen.
On Friday, I received a "text" from one of my therapists advising me that they did not "feel good about continuing" to see me. I have thought really, who fails therapy twice? I have wondered what I did wrong, what could I have done differently?
On Sunday, I snapped. I read the Ensign "Husbands and wives should understand that their first calling-from which they will never be released-is to one another and then to their children". Sadly, I talked with my husband about how I have never been his "first". There were some painful words spoken and I asked him to leave. We broke it to our children. Right now things in our marriage are not OK. The girls cried. It was very hard to be a part of. All the thoughts go thru your mind-What have I done? How did I let it go this long? So much of me wanted to say "never mind", but it is not OK. And after having watched the pain that I put my children thru, I could not do it again. Sunday night, my husband walked out the door and spent the night with his parents.
Monday morning, he came back home. Supposedly a changed person. But, I changed too. As he sat in front of me and asked for a second chance, all of the feelings of "resentment" came to the surface for me. I asked him, if someone had killed one of our children, would you think after 1 night of soul searching that you could say OK? Knowing you were never getting that child back? In a way, he has done that to me 4 times as he has been in our home day in and day out with our daughters, all 4 of them while I worked. I will never know what it was like to be here for our little ones as they made their tents in their bedroom, played with their dolls, legos, etc. My baby starts school this year and I will never have that back. I don't want to resent, I don't want to be hurt, or angry. I want to be OK with where I am and what I have gone thru. But, all of this doesn't happen for me in one night. So, he may be in our home but I have slept in the girls room or on the floor ever since. I don't want to confuse my children by making think that because Daddy went and applied for a job that Mommy is OK, because I'm not. Not Yet!
I talked on Monday night with the only therapist I haven't burned out. We talked about being dropped by my other therapist and then we went right into what I wanted in my marriage. We realized that my husband might be confused with what I really "want" in my marriage. I am confused. I am unsure of my own "wants" and "needs". I feel selfish or greedy when I ask things of him. Again, a want or a need? I don't know how a woman should be treated in a marriage because this is all I know.
On Monday as we talked I pointed out some areas where even within the first week of our marriage there was turmoil. His reply was that he "was young." No, he was 30, he should have been the more mature one, I was the "young" one. In reality, it doesn't matter who was the young one. We both made covenants, to each other, and to our Father in Heaven. We have both fallen short in that area. I don't know what the future holds for me and for my girls, and I don't know where I stand with my husband.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
To be honest, my head is spinning. I have so much going on in my head. I realize that this probably is not one of the safest places to put my memories but I am to the point that I don't really care. I don't need opinions, or judgements, just a place to get it out.
My marriage is not going the greatest right now. My husband tends to think that he has a lot of stress. Maybe to him , he does. But, the stress in my life is mounting on top of each other. Right now, I am being asked to commit to a lot of things, my job, my marriage, myself. I really hate the word commit right now because I don't know how to do it. On Saturday, I met with one of my therapists. She asked me to discuss my marriage with my husband. I did. I am just going to say, that is the first time I have actually thought to myself that I was "damaged goods". Is it my fault that I didn't know about this abuse before I married him? He questions our Eternal Marriage yeah, well, so do I!
I have been told that because I cannot be intimate with my husband right now that my brother won! Wow, I didn't know that sex with me was a prize. Not only do I have to deal with my anger towards being abused by my brother, but I have to deal with the anger of my husband towards my brother, and then deal with the anger towards me. My husband was quite angry when I advised him that knowing I was sexually abused answers so much for me in regards to sex. It has never really been an enjoyment for me. When we first got married, I would have had my marriage annulled after my honeymoon if I had known, because sex was awful for me. It took years to actually tolerate it. Of course that hurt him because he thought our sex life was great! We have never really talked about it.
When I talked with my therapist she indicated that sex for women is emotional. It made complete sense to me. My husband hates that when we have had sex since my first flashback he feels that it ends up going back to my brother. Is it my fault that it has thrown me in to flashbacks? I have tried to overcome it and used mindfulness techniques to stay in the moment and not to dissociate. I have ended up with horrific headaches because it was so much work. My husband then takes it personally and the vicious cycle repeats itself. My husband comes up from behind me and touches me without warning, and I want to jump out of my skin. A couple times he has come up and kissed my neck, just feeling his breath on my neck makes me jump. He will reach over and touch my leg and again, I go right back. Is it my fault that this can't happen for him right now?
My husband on Saturday stated that he felt that I was my brother's possession and that he took that away from him by marrying me, so to get back at my husband my brother is taking away our sex life. Nice, no pressure right?
I have had some issues with my trauma therapy and so I have stepped back from that for now. I don't know what I am going to do. So much of me wants to walk away from all of it. To run and hide and never be found. My kids keep me going. Hopefully one day they will understand all of this. Hopefully, one day we all will understand all of this.
On Sunday, I went to Relief Society. The Relief Society president taught the lesson "you know enough" by Elder Anderson. She said a comment that has gone thru my head at least 1000 times since and that is "If you know that you are a Child of God, then you know enough". Boy, then I must not know anything because right now that is so far out of my understanding.
My marriage is not going the greatest right now. My husband tends to think that he has a lot of stress. Maybe to him , he does. But, the stress in my life is mounting on top of each other. Right now, I am being asked to commit to a lot of things, my job, my marriage, myself. I really hate the word commit right now because I don't know how to do it. On Saturday, I met with one of my therapists. She asked me to discuss my marriage with my husband. I did. I am just going to say, that is the first time I have actually thought to myself that I was "damaged goods". Is it my fault that I didn't know about this abuse before I married him? He questions our Eternal Marriage yeah, well, so do I!
I have been told that because I cannot be intimate with my husband right now that my brother won! Wow, I didn't know that sex with me was a prize. Not only do I have to deal with my anger towards being abused by my brother, but I have to deal with the anger of my husband towards my brother, and then deal with the anger towards me. My husband was quite angry when I advised him that knowing I was sexually abused answers so much for me in regards to sex. It has never really been an enjoyment for me. When we first got married, I would have had my marriage annulled after my honeymoon if I had known, because sex was awful for me. It took years to actually tolerate it. Of course that hurt him because he thought our sex life was great! We have never really talked about it.
When I talked with my therapist she indicated that sex for women is emotional. It made complete sense to me. My husband hates that when we have had sex since my first flashback he feels that it ends up going back to my brother. Is it my fault that it has thrown me in to flashbacks? I have tried to overcome it and used mindfulness techniques to stay in the moment and not to dissociate. I have ended up with horrific headaches because it was so much work. My husband then takes it personally and the vicious cycle repeats itself. My husband comes up from behind me and touches me without warning, and I want to jump out of my skin. A couple times he has come up and kissed my neck, just feeling his breath on my neck makes me jump. He will reach over and touch my leg and again, I go right back. Is it my fault that this can't happen for him right now?
My husband on Saturday stated that he felt that I was my brother's possession and that he took that away from him by marrying me, so to get back at my husband my brother is taking away our sex life. Nice, no pressure right?
I have had some issues with my trauma therapy and so I have stepped back from that for now. I don't know what I am going to do. So much of me wants to walk away from all of it. To run and hide and never be found. My kids keep me going. Hopefully one day they will understand all of this. Hopefully, one day we all will understand all of this.
On Sunday, I went to Relief Society. The Relief Society president taught the lesson "you know enough" by Elder Anderson. She said a comment that has gone thru my head at least 1000 times since and that is "If you know that you are a Child of God, then you know enough". Boy, then I must not know anything because right now that is so far out of my understanding.
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