I am sorry that sometimes this blog tends to be a little negative.  I am going thru some tough things right now and this is the only place where I feel comfortable putting it all out there.  Right now, my husband worked his last day yesterday.  The last time my husband did not have a job I had kicked him out of the house until he got a job.  This is so hard for me, my thoughts are jumbled as I feel for him as he is hurting, but on the other hand I question why I am not worth providing for?  Why are my children not worth providing for?

My little girl is struggling with her hip issues.  She is in pain often.  We hardly sleep as she will wake up in tears.  Her physical therapy hurts her, which means that I hurt her because I am doing the therapy.  It makes my heart hurt for her.  I love her so much.  Sometimes it is just too much to bear.

As I said in an earlier post, I have been attending an adults molested as children group.  This is not an easy thing to do.  Last night we started sharing stories.  The therapist said that before she started her healing she felt "yucky" when others would talk about incest.  I asked when that "yucky" feeling ends and she answered , when you are done with your healing.  I struggle to share my story, not many know the details.  There is actually only 2 people that know most of the details and only 1 that knows all of the details.  The prior Bishop that was with me to deal with the initial flashbacks, and my therapists.  I have to work thru this so that I can be ready to share next week.  I have been shocked at how much the little things trigger the emotions and flashbacks.  It is not a pleasant experience.  In my reading I was told that Healing Hurts.  Well, they are not kidding.

One thing that has had me questioning a lot is that there are so many that talk about the pre-existence and how we chose to come down and gain a body, knowing the trials that we would face.  In the process I have been going through I have learned for myself that I was fully aware that this life would be hard, and I am learning of a Heavenly Father that loves me and wants me back in his presence.  One question I asked my therapist on Saturday has been on my mind for some time.  The question I had was that the first night when I didn't listen to the Holy Ghost, did the Lord's plan for me change?  My therapist thought for a minute and said "no".  I asked him how he knew.  "I just know."  I asked how do you know?  His next statement pierced my heart and yes, we felt the spirit in that room when he said.  "I can't put it into words".  I knew that it was the spirit that he was using to tell me.  I asked one of the other ladies in the group the same question and they also said they just knew.  However, the spirit talked to me again (which I am so thankful) when I learned that our Heavenly Father is the "same yesterday, today, and forever."  He didn't change, he will never change.  In the Book of Mormon he reminds us that our Heavenly Father is a man of miracles. 

I am learning that the first night I changed.  It is my choice as to how I want it to affect me.  Most who know me know that I do believe that everything happens for a reason.  I am searching for the person that I long to be.

I am not going to lie but therapy has been rough for me, or maybe it's life that has been rough.  My husband has his job for 3 more weeks.  This is a hard thing for me to swallow.  I have worked full time for 23 years.  There were times where I have had 2 and 3 jobs.  Yes, I am struggling with feelings of worth right now.  Feelings of "if my husband loved me, he would get a job."  Feelings of "why am I not worth providing for."  Yes, I know I am not supposed to put my worth on someone else's actions but I don't understand.  I go to the Temple and I am told to follow my husband.  I don't understand!!!

Today my therapist talked to me about Shame!  (not a discussion I like to have, and yes, he knows it. )  So, he reminded me about how at the judgement seat the Lord will tell me I can receive celestial glory and I will then proceed to tell him all of the reasons why I should not go ahead.  I didn't understand.  I went to the Temple and was reading my scriptures as I was waiting.  I came across 2 Nephi 9:18-18 But, behold, the righteous, the saints of the Holy One of Israel, they who have believed in the Holy One of Israel, they who have endured the crosses of the world, and despised the shame of it, they shall inherit the kingdom of God, which was prepared for them from the foundation of the world, and their joy shall be full forever.

Week 2 of the Amac group we shared photos of our youth.  Well, that would be easy for someone that wanted to remember their youth.  I don't have many pictures of my youth.  Unlike my sister that has a beautiful scrapbook, I chose not to keep a lot of memories.  However, I love my sister and so I have kept my memories of her.  (we had some good crazy times!(:)

Week 3, which is next week, we are asked to share our stories.  I don't know if I can do it.  I have tried to erase the memories and move on from the past.  (yes, I know that is not the healthy thing to do) With my life as crazy as it is right now, with a child struggling with health issues, a husband on the brink of losing his job, it is just a wonder that I am not admitted in the mental hospital.

Last night we met with the Welfare Specialist in our ward.  We discussed the budget.  My husband complained about the price of therapy.  I sat and cried.  I finally spoke up and said that my life was worth more than the $320 per month that we are paying for therapy.  My husband was quick to point out that therapy was over $4,000 per year.  If I can be a healthy wife, and mother, then I will more than make up the $4,000 that I am spending.  I remembered a comment that a friend said to me about how she now stands up for her needs.  I am working on that and right now, therapy is a need and a want.  I want to be a happy, healthy Mom!

I have been attending the LDS Addiction Recovery Program.  We study the 12 steps that teach us how to move past our addictive behaviors.  We are currently on step 9.  Step 9  is to reconcile with those you have wronged.  During the sharing portion a gentleman mentioned that he received a step 9 letter from his son.  How sorry his son was and how beautiful and cherished that letter is.  I immediately wished that I had a step 9 letter from my brother.  I want to know that he is sorry.  I want to know that he is sorry because of his feelings of remorse and not just because someone else tells him to be sorry.  What I wouldn't give for that Step 9 letter from him.  I don't know what I would do if I did get that letter.  Would I be grateful for it?  Would I be angry that he finally confessed his wrongs to me?  I don't know, I will never get that letter.  However, I hope that he is working as hard as I am.  I know that he had some issues that he needed to address and I hope that he is doing that.  The more I work thru, the softer my heart becomes.  There are days where I am angry, I am very angry.  Then there are days where I am so sad.  Sad for what happened.  Sad for what could have been, angry for what it was.  Sad for what it left behind.

post dated 1/15/13

They announced that the Bishop that I have been working with and knows everything I am going thru is being released on Sunday.  As soon as they announced it, I started to cry, I have been an emotional mess ever since.  After our meetings on Sunday, the Bishop asked me to come in to his office and advised me that he has been trying to get with our marriage therapist from LDS Family because he is fully aware of the abandonment issues that I have and wanted to help me thru it because he knows I will have to go thru it.  I have had so many thoughts. 

I love my Bishop and fully respect the calling.  I know that the Bishop is a man called from God.  I am grateful for the Bishop that has been there to help me as I go thru this terribly dark journey.  I know that this Bishop was to be the Bishop for me at this time.  I know that the Lord prepared me to have this come out while this man was our Bishop.  I have no doubts. 

post dated 2/6/13

I really hope that writing helps because if not, I am screwed!  I don't know what else to try.  I went to my therapy session on Saturday.  When I met with my new Bishop.  He asked a question about my temple recommend and I reluctantly said "I don't know!"  I then explained that I knew that "I don't know is not an acceptable answer in therapy" and so I needed a minute to really think about what he was asking.  He then explained that in therapy "I don't know" also means in therapy that often times the client doesn't want to go any deeper.  That made complete sense to me.  I explained that theory to my therapist on Saturday at the start of my session and we went on.  As I talked, she asked the question, "where is all this self-blame coming from?"  First, I wasn't aware I was blaming myself.  I am a little confused about the difference between "responsibility" and "self-blame".  As I contemplated that question, I said to her, "I don't know, and yes, that means I don't want to go any deeper."  So, we moved on, but again, therapy never ends and so of course as my mind kept working thru the session I am forced to go deeper. 

I have wondered if my life would be easier if I stopped therapy.  I kind of like to relate all of this to a train ride.  So, I got on this train ride hoping to arrive to a beautiful destination.  However, I got on this train ride and hit a rough part on the tracks, my repressed memories surfaced, and caused my beautiful peaceful train ride to head

post dated 3/15/13

I have not written for a long time.  There have been a lot of things going on.  As I have said in prior posts, we got a new Bishop.  He is also a therapist.  Who would have thought that you would go in to a Bishop's interview and process it 2 days later?  Maybe your average person doesn't do that but I know that I sure do, but I am also not your average person. 

post dated 6/26/13

I know it has been a long time.  I have been very busy.  As I said in my prior post, I went back to my first therapist.  He has not skipped a beat.  No kidding, I saw him 1 week, and the next week he had this major treatment plan drawn up.  I honestly was alarmed by how much he knew about me and my situation.  He reminded me that he did supervise the intern that I was seeing.  Because he already knew so much, we jumped right in to the work.  Oh, my heck!  The work is HARD!  I thought I had been working hard in therapy before.  This is much more intense. 

post dated 7/17/13

As I said in my prior post (many months ago), I started back with my first therapist from LDS Family.  I am seeing him in his private practice which has been very comforting as I have been working thru my issues.  Now, the only time limit is my own.  Granted, I wish that I were done, I wish that I had worked thru all of my issues, that I would not have PTSD still, and that I were living in "Emeral City" (as my friend pointed out to me last night :) ) but, "it is what it is".  Sometimes, that is a very easy statement to say, but a very difficult statement to believe. 

One of the "typical" features of PTSD is avoiding the things that trigger you into flashbacks.  Now, I have been very good at this feature. 

post dated 9/17/13

PTSD sucks.  It is sucking the life right out of me right now.  I hardly sleep.  Last night I was so exhausted and went to bed by 10:30.  By 3:30 I was wide awake.  I have been awake ever since.  I have exercised, showered, read my scriptures, made breakfast, watched 2 hours of TV all before 7:30.  I also took out the garbage, straightened the kitchen, and woke a teen.  My life is crazy right now. 

post dated 10/27/13

My mind is going a thousand miles an hour.  I can't sleep and I sit here in the cold and dark.  Sleep does not come easy for me.  I was given sleeping pills and that will get me thru a couple hours.  There is not a whole lot to do at 3:00 a.m.  I sit here and listen to my church music and contemplate on my life. 

This last week has proven to be another trial of my faith.  On Monday I was having some pain and went in to the Dr.  It was a new Dr. as mine was sick.  She ran some tests and found that I was having major amounts of calcium going thru my kidneys which is a normal occurrence since my thyroid surgery.  Not a lot she can do about that but have me drink a lot of water and clear it out.  While I met with her we talked about my depression and she pointed out that I was dealing with an "eating disorder".  I know that I have issues with this but to have a Dr. tell you is a little new and causes a lot of stress.

Tuesday I received a text from my 20 yr old daughter who was home asking if I had power on at my office.  She indicated that she did not.  I remembered receiving a letter marked "urgent" and I totally ignored it.  Our power had been shut off for non payment. 

post dated 12/3/13

I have a problem.  Today, I am numb.  There is no feeling of emotions at this present time.  It is like I am flatlined. 

I know why I am numb, it is not good.  My therapist has me working on some "inner child" healing work.  What this means is that I search deep down  and figure out the "root" of what is really causing me to think the way I do.  Well, I always believed I had an awesome childhood.  I painted this beautiful picture of amazing Christmas', fabulous Birthday's, and love abounding in my home.  We all grew up knowing my older brother was mean, but that was just him. 

My mind is presently at a stand still.  In all actuality, I am numb.  This is not a good thing for me.  I usually go numb when I am overwhelmed.  We met with our Home Teacher, my husband's boss, last night and he has informed my husband that he no longer has a job with their company.  I don't know what to think.  The last time my husband did not have a job we were separated.  I understand that this is hard for him.  My thoughts go back to me and what can I do to make our situation better?  I even thought about doing a graveyard shift at a local restaurant-I know, what am I thinking!?!?  Sleep does not come easily for me.

I went to the temple for the first time in over 10 years.  It was hard as I reflected on my worthiness.  It was also hard that I need to allow my husband to be the Leader in our family.  The morning that I went to the temple, I tripped over a cord in my home in the dark and killed my foot.  It hurt but I had people counting on me to be there.  The pain did not let up and got worse.  I went to the Dr and found that I have a Lisfranc ligament sprain.  This sprain takes up to 6 weeks to heal.  The Dr put me in a beautiful support shoe.  I find myself minimizing a lot.

Today has been a rough day.  I had situations at both jobs that were not good situations to be in.  Being in the insurance industry, anything you say is binding.  There is something  I could have differently, but I didn't.  I was backed in to a corner.  I am not comfortable with confrontation.  I am tired of my "mental" issues being used as an excuse. 

I did some more reading from my AMAC class.  It brings up a lot of feelings that I am not sure that I like.  I do anything I can to avoid them, which means that I eat.  I don't want my body to be noticed.  I don't want to be attractive, even to my husband, it scares me.  I hate being scared. 

I have done hard.  I am done doing hard. 

OK, I totally thought that I could be done with this blog and close up my thoughts.  However, I cannot yet.

Last night I decided to join an Adults Molested As Children group.  OH MY HECK!  I did not think that my life was still affecting me so deeply.  I went to this group and felt as though I had been hit by a truck.  There was a "disclaimer" of sorts stating that things like flashbacks, nightmares, etc, could get worse from starting this group.  Well, that is awesome, I was sleeping thru the night already---NOT!!!  The thoughts of going thru this hell again is causing me a lot of anxiety.  As I sat and listened to the therapist read the description of one that "abuses" I recalled my brother.  I really felt as though I was crawling in my skin as I heard her read the statistics, the myths, the facts, and then to have to complete a questionnaire about where I am right now with intimacy---NICE!

I am still trying to figure out if I can do this.  This mountain seems so steep to climb.  I thought that I was doing so well, then I go to this group and the other women are leaps and bounds further than me.

I just don't know about this!