I really do have a lot to be thankful for.  I don't want this blog to just be a downer.  Sometimes it may feel like that but that's because I do have a lot of stressors going on in my life right now.  My bathtub pipe broke and leaked on the woman below, my oven blew up, my car is leaking oil.  But, Becca is home safe from her trip, my gas is shut off in my oven so there is no danger there, and my family is alive and healthy. 

In my prior post I mentioned that I had a breakdown on Sunday.  It was really scarey.  I really needed to get out of my house.  I couldn't take it any more.  I was so stressed that I cancelled the Home Teachers, took a nap, stayed home with my kids, and made chicken noodle soup for dinner.  It ended up being a very low key day.  I really did let my bipolar get the best of me on Sunday.  I missed Abbey's last talk in Primary.  I missed her getting her Faith In God award.  She is a very forgiving kid, for that I am also truly grateful.

Because Sunday was so scarey, I didn't know what to do.  I became overwhelmed so fast.  I almost left my home.  I didn't think about calling UNI, I didn't think about texting my therapist, my bishop, or my friends.  I was literally going to run away.  I don't know if I would have returned or not because I really was not in a good frame of mind.

I had a therapy session with Jade on Saturday.  We talked a lot about my work, and then we talked about my circle of friends and how little it is.  Then we talked about 1st Corinthians 13. We talked a lot about Charity and how I need to get out of myself.  Yesterday, being Sunday, we had scheduled for the Home Teachers to come to the house.  I became so overwhelmed that I had Jed cancel the Home Teachers.  I went to Sacrament Meeting, and then I went home.  I cried so much yesterday that I was exhausted.  I thought about the person I used to be.  The person who served everyone I could think of, and then some.  Now, I am lucky enough to serve my family, and I don't even do that well. 

It has been a couple of days since I have blogged.  I have had a lot on my mind.  In my last post I asked if mental illness was a choice?  I am learning that I don't have a choice if I have bipolar or not, because trust me, if I did, I would not need a therapist or medication.  I became very suicidal on Wednesday and Thursday.  I finally had some time to myself and had a bubble bath.  As I sat in my bubble bath I had University Neuropsychiatric on the phone to help talk me thru what I was going thru.  My work has been really hard.

I have read so much about mental illness.  What does it mean when you have a mental illness?  I read an article on how mental illness is just like cancer, or a heart condition, but most often, cancer goes away.  Dr's can fix a heart condition.  Mental Illness doesn't go away.  I will have BiPolar for the rest of my life.  One comment Jade said to me last weekend that has stuck with me is he stated that he got the impression that I felt like my mental illness was a choice.  Maybe I do, maybe I am hoping that all of this will go away, maybe I'm dreaming, maybe I'm not.  Why can't it be a choice?

For one of my homework assignments I had to list 10 things that I needed to be forgiven for.  I have reflected on this question for some time, and I did come up with the list.  I followed my gut and wrote this list.  One of the things that I needed to forgive myself for is not being the kind of wife/mother that I wanted to be.  Jade and I then talked about all of the "hats" that I am wearing.  I know that I am wearing a lot of hats but there is not one that I can set down right now.

I wish sometimes that my head would slow down and let me breathe for just a moment.  Right now, my head is killing me, my heart is racing, and my muscles are tight, not sure why.  I met with Jade on Saturday.  We went over my list of 10 things that I needed to forgive myself for.  He said I don't give myself enough credit for all of the "hats" I am wearing.  He also said one thing that I have thought a lot about since Saturday.  He said that he had the impression that I felt that my mental illness was a choice.  As I have reflected on that comment I have felt the same impression.  I feel like I am doing all of this (therapy, medication) for attention.  If I could just wish it away, I would be happy.  But, instead, it is something that I have to live with for the rest of my life.  That is something that is really hard for me to take.  My parents don't understand and tend to tell me that things "aren't as bad as I make them out to be."  Last night, they gave me a book on how to handle depression on your own.  That was nice.  Don't you think if I could do this on my own that I would have done it a long time ago.  Realistically, they should be grateful I am doing therapy and medication as I have had those suicidal moments, times where I should have been hospitalized but that I had understanding Dr's that helped me so that I could stay home and continue to work.  I don't know if that is a good thing or not, but for my family, it was a blessing.

So, I still have not done my homework for Jade tomorrow.  I have been doing a lot of work, just not the exact homework that he has requested.  I will work on it as much as I can tonight to prepare for my appointment tomorrow.  I am trying to enjoy the holidays a little more than I have the past couple of years.  I am just so tired.  I go home every night and I am literally exhausted and fight to keep myself up past 9:00 until all the other kids are asleep.  Some days are better than others.  This week, I haven't been doing so well on taking my medications.  I even skipped my calcium.  I think that subconsciously I just didn't want to take my pills.  I really have had a lot to work thru.  This week has been no exception, as I have worked with the Bishop.  I am learning a lot about Heavenly Father and his plan for me.

Yesterday, Jed and I went to see Meet the Mormons.  It is a very touching movie.  The last segment was about a Missionary Mom.  She was a single Mom when she met the missionaries.  She was depressed and her life had become unmanagable.  I could relate to this and I sat and cried as I listened to how the Gospel had changed this woman's life.  I want the Gospel to change my life.  This road has been hard.  I asked the Bishop if I changed the path that the Lord had for me.  In Alma chapter 7 it talks about how the Lord's path is straight.  So, I imagine that I possibly have a "road block" or a "stop" sign in the middle of my path right now.  In our religion we always pray in the name of Jesus Christ.  As I reflected on my questions and answers I have received, I reflected on the miracles that Christ had performed.  It wasn't until then, that I realized that Christ performed these miracles in the name of the Father. 

Jade and I talked about my relationship with Heavenly Father.  I asked him about the anger that I had towards Heavenly Father.  Jade mentioned that anger is always a secondary emotion.  When push came to shove I found that my primary emotion was hurt or pain from Heavenly Father.  So, what is it with Heavenly Father that causes me to feel hurt.  As I reflected on this question this past weekend I asked myself this many times.  I think what makes me hurt is that Heavenly Father allowed the abuse to happen.  I hurt that he didn't answer my prayers.  I hurt that my parents still to this day don't believe that it was anything more than playing Dr.  I hurt that I have allowed this to change who I am.  I hurt that I don't have a trusting relationship with Heavenly Father.  I hurt that I can't willingly turn myself over to him because of that lack of trust.  I hurt that I have to have control over every situation that involves me.  I hurt that Heavenly Father has lead me down paths that are uncomfortable for me.  I understand that everything will "work together for my good."  But, sometimes I wonder where he is.  Sometimes I feel very alone. 

I got a little burned out asking Heavenly Father my questions and then searching for the answers and so I stopped that.  I felt like I asked enough questions for the month that I didn't need any more answers.  The questions that I asked were pretty deep and I felt like he answered them as best as he could.  Now, it is my job to take that "leap of faith" as I mentioned in a prior post.  I have been so down the last couple of days.  Not sure why.  I feel like crying, and to be honest, I hope that I can go home and cry some time today just to get it out.  I was told by my boss today that I don't communicate well and that I get misunderstood a lot.  I texted Jade and told him I was just wasting his time.  Then I researched communication and becoming better at it, it mentions to go to a therapist.  Yet another reason why I am going to see Jade.  I am sad that I have bipolar and that I will have it for the rest of my life.  I am sad that my children have to see me go through it and in my heart hope that it doesn't affect their life too much.  I was supposed to meet with my psychiatrist this afternoon but had to cancel as I had already taken too much time off of work.  I sure wish I knew what my future held for me.  Although, I am feeling more confident in looking for another job, which is a plus, I guess.  I have been watching a lot of Hallmark's Christmas movies every night.  I love hanging out in my bed staying cozy under the covers.

So, the question for yesterday, How do I know God answers prayers and how will I know that he answers my prayer?  To be honest, this question made me sad.  I of course researched it again on LDS.org.  I read several articles online.  I also asked-if I prayed for the abuse to stop, why didn't he stop it?  The answer did come in an article about prayer.  It said, the Lord sees things from an Eternal Perspective, and we see things as an Earthly Perspective.  Both are different.  What the Lord might have seen was me progressing even though I was given this trial.  Maybe he found that I would be stronger in the Gospel.  I am certainly learning more about the Gospel and the things that Heavenly Father would want me to know. 

There is something that you can't research and that is the burning feeling in your chest that warms your entire being, where you take that leap of faith and say you know.  When nothing else explains it, you just know.  Sometimes you just have to tell yourself you know until you believe.

I have pondered on the research that I have read.  Sometimes, you do just have to trust that Priesthood Leader.

Yesterday's question of the day was How do I know God loves me?    Well, I came up with the regular answers; nature, blessings, safety, etc.  But those answers did not seem to comfort me like I would have hoped, so I dug a little deeper.  Jade, my therapist, has told me several times that I need to "trust the priesthood and its leaders".  This comment rang thru my head loud and clear several times yesterday as I reflected on this question.  I researched on LDS.org.  There are so many times that no amount of research can give you the answer that you want either.  So, how did I solve my dilemma?  I went back to the comment from Jade, "trust your priesthood leaders"  (can you tell that he has said this to me more than once?!?)  I love my Bishop, I love the Prophet and the Apostles, each one of them has testified to me of the love of our Heavenly Father.  I have to go off of that right now until I feel it for myself.

November is finally here.  A time to be Thankful for our blessings.  As I reflect on this blog, I am grateful that I have had the time to keep this up.  I pray that one day, someone will be able to see this blog and realize that I am a survivor.  That nothing could beat me.  It could have knocked me down, but I was never out! 

This week I have been asked to ask Heavenly Father 1 question per day and wait for the answer.  Yesterday I asked if I was able to forgive my brother even though he was dead?  I opened my scriptures and found 2 Nephi 9:17-20.  I realized that 1- I am not the judge of my brother, that is the Lord's job and I cannot take that away from him, neither do I want to, but now that is one less thing I have to worry about.  2-I learned that I need to heal from my shame.  My shame is actually affecting my relationship with God.  In this scripture he talks about bearing our crosses and then "despise" shame.  Well, I despise shame but I don't like to acknowledge it either.  That's why I am still going to therapy.