I wish sometimes that my head would slow down and let me breathe for just a moment.  Right now, my head is killing me, my heart is racing, and my muscles are tight, not sure why.  I met with Jade on Saturday.  We went over my list of 10 things that I needed to forgive myself for.  He said I don't give myself enough credit for all of the "hats" I am wearing.  He also said one thing that I have thought a lot about since Saturday.  He said that he had the impression that I felt that my mental illness was a choice.  As I have reflected on that comment I have felt the same impression.  I feel like I am doing all of this (therapy, medication) for attention.  If I could just wish it away, I would be happy.  But, instead, it is something that I have to live with for the rest of my life.  That is something that is really hard for me to take.  My parents don't understand and tend to tell me that things "aren't as bad as I make them out to be."  Last night, they gave me a book on how to handle depression on your own.  That was nice.  Don't you think if I could do this on my own that I would have done it a long time ago.  Realistically, they should be grateful I am doing therapy and medication as I have had those suicidal moments, times where I should have been hospitalized but that I had understanding Dr's that helped me so that I could stay home and continue to work.  I don't know if that is a good thing or not, but for my family, it was a blessing.