I have had another one of those weekends where I feel like I have disclosed too much of my life to too many people.  And realistically, so many of the people that know so much about my life, don't really care.  They just want to know.  I feel very much like an outsider in my world.  I still struggle to know where I fit in.  Or even if I do fit in.  And, realistically, it doesn't matter that I do fit in.  I guess I am feeling like I don't really care. 

I have not written for a while because I have been doing a lot of thinking.  I have been trying to do a lot of talking.  Opening up more to my husband but he kind of freaks out when I say something so then I shut down. 

Yesterday, I met with my trauma therapist before group therapy.  I have to admit, I built a wall and I don't think I let it down until probably the last 10 minutes, and then I feel like I opened up too much.  I really do hate the feeling that I have after I have disclosed.  I understand it is "shame" and it is not a pretty feeling.  The therapist even said to me that we would pick up where we left off next week.  I think I even said to him-that we could pick up where we left off if I show up for my next appointment.  I really hate this.  I know it is not serving me well by having a wall.  But, I did disclose some very deep emotions that NOONE else knows except for me, and now the trauma therapist.  I had one of those, "I can't believe I just said that." moments.  I admit, we were going along very comfortably until I opened up.  I even told the therapist that "we were done".  I didn't want to go any deeper.

So, I have been wondering did the flashbacks come as an answer to a prayer?  I have to believe that they did because that is what I was asking for.  I was asking for an understanding of why I struggled with feelings of worthiness.  If the answer came from Heavenly Father, then I have been given this trial to heal and grow.  The sad thing is that if the answer came from Satan, he has done a pretty good job of taking me with this.  Last night as I was talking to my husband, this week is Stake Conference.  He asked how many people I thought would skip Stake Conference and think that it was a Sunday off.  I told him, I was tempted.  No one would know I was not there.  We don't take the Sacrament at Stake Conference, so in my head I am not "self injuring".  Why not?  Evidently, that wasn't the answer my husband wanted to hear and he is not a spiritual giant but he turned to me and said, "satan has you right where he wants you."  Thank you, that was so nice.  I appreciate you telling me that.  (this is what I am thinking in my head!)  I think he could tell I was a little disgusted with his answer and then he was quick to say "I don't think satan has you in a bear hug, but he sure has a hold of your ankle!"  (oh that's even better) 

Work has been hell the last 2 days.  I can't tell you how many times I have heard that I can't be a most of the time person, I need to be an all the time person, and he's "not so sure I can do that".  I am not a good "team player" according to my boss but I am never going to be a part of their team because I am not carrying the same last name as the boss.  I didn't understand why my boss was being such a jerk to me until last night as we were getting ready to leave the office a young man he had interviewed months ago and he would have hired but it didn't fit into his schedule, now all of a sudden calls and needs a job.  I have been advised that he is going to do what he needs to do to get the team that he wants in place, and he has given me a year to make the changes and what have I done?  Nothing!

I have been carrying a huge load between work and family and personal.  I have had to do some prioritizing and I thought that I could work on me personally and put my job on hold.  Granted, I still work just as hard and did have a huge cut in pay but I felt like it was a safe decision.  Now, I am not so sure. 

You know thru all of this, I have thought several times, there is one person that could sure ease the burden.  But, yet, I am still going thru this and it is still just as hard if not harder to carry.  I am sure tired of hearing that I am going to be so "strong" when all of this is done, and I will have learned so much that there is a reason for this test and we don't know what it is but it will definitely strengthen me.  OH, OK, I get it. (not really)

The same person that told me to "bury the past" this week, also asked me what would happen if I found out that the abuse didn't happen.  My head hurts a lot.  The truth is, I have already asked this question.  I have asked this question 1000 times.  I have asked this question of every therapist I have spoken to.  The answer "but, it did happen".  I hate that I have to keep convincing myself that it did happen.  I hate that I have no other person on this Earth that can answer this question.  It's not like my brother would ever admit it anyway.  Because that is the way he was.  He never accepted responsibility for anything he did in this life.  Unfortunately, for him, he can't run from responsibility now.

I have wondered what would happen if the abuse didn't happen and I have been "wrongfully accusing" him.  To be honest, I wish it didn't happen, but again, "it did happen."  The flashbacks haven't changed.  My story has not changed.  Even after EMDR, the memories have become distant, which is what EMDR is supposed to do, I can still see it.  I have not processed my last flashback in EMDR because I am so not ready to do that.  But, if I want to recall the ones that I have processed, I can.  To be honest, I am so grateful that I can honestly say that I can recall them instead of reliving them because for a long time, I did relive them.

I have to admit, thru all of this, I have deeply questioned my beliefs.  My Bishop asked me to really work on my testimony.  To learn that I am a daughter of God, and to learn that I have a Heavenly Father that loves me.  This sounds so hard to me.  I have never felt more alone in my life.  I have asked why all of this had to come out.  This has turned my world upside down.  As I said in a prior post NOONE knows how great the expense is more than I.  Honestly, on my walk yesterday, I even thought, "screw it".  Then I hear my Mother's voice in my head telling me that  a lady should never talk like that. 

I'm not going to lie, finding my testimony again, scares me.  Reading the scriptures is so easy for me.  Prayer, terrifies me.  All of this, was an answer to a prayer.  It was the scariest answer to a prayer I ever received.  I still wonder why it had to come out because certainly Heavenly Father knew the expense it was for him. 

I do a lot of thinking and I realize that I have not posted in a while.  I had Mother's Day.  It was as good as could be expected for a Sunday.  I still had the questions from my walk on Saturday going thru my head, and again, Sacrament meeting is not my favorite time.  To be honest, this week, I really did not want to go to church, the only reason why I did was because I had made a commitment and my children were singing for Mother's Day.  But, I guess, I am not telling you anything new.

I have many fears as I go thru this journey.  My life is changing, and I am on this huge roller coaster.  It is scarey.  I have asked from the beginning, "what if I don't like the person I become?"  But, one of the bigger questions is "what if my family doesn't like the person I become?" 

I remember my first day back to work after having my last little one.  By the time my little one was 6 weeks old, I gave birth, had my tubes tied, got an infection, removed my sister from life support, spoke at my sister's funeral, buried her, blessed my baby, had a gall bladder attack, and had my gall bladder removed.  All this while dealing with the hormone changes of having a baby.  My first day back, I walked in to my boss and said to him, "I am a different person today than the woman who walked out of here 6 weeks ago."    My life changed forever in those 6 weeks.  I'm not so sure my boss likes the person that I have become.  But, now I am still married, and I am not so sure my husband likes the person I am becoming.

I don't know how to keep changing for the good and still control the happiness in my home.  Yesterday, I was informed that I need to "bury the past" and quit wasting my time at the expense of my marriage, family, and health.  I carry so much of the burden on my own.  I took the comments and tried to understand what this person was trying to tell me.  In my head I wanted to scream "how dare you pin all of that on me?"  Again, this person meant well, but my heart hurts just thinking about the comments. 

As you all know, I am LDS and I truly do love the Gospel.  With all of this, I have maybe asked once, "why me?" but when I know of the other options that my brother had, I would do it all over again.  That is how much I love my sisters.  I have never asked "what's in this for me?"  I have been told that the Lord will compensate me for my pains.  I am fully aware that ALL that I have comes from my Heavenly Father so realistically, I have already been compensated. I am fully aware of the "requirement" that I need to fulfill in regards to forgiving my brother.  I have never been one to seek revenge and realistically, I do want my brother to have Eternal Happiness.  Because, I want the same thing for myself.  The pain from this goes so much deeper than I ever imagined.  As I said above I am a different person.  I am not so sure my husband loves the new person.  So, how do I obtain Eternal Happiness, when my Eternal companion isn't so sure that this is what he bargained for? 

I must admit, my individual therapist last week gave me some very difficult homework last week.  I dreaded it all week.  Yes, there is the prime example of the difference between "pain" and "suffering".  Yes, I know I prolonged the "suffering". 

I did my Temple walk again today.  I really do love it.  I remember thinking I could never walk up to the Temple.  It was too far, the hill was too hard.  I finally challenged myself and achieved it.  Now, it is my favorite walk of the week.  I remind myself that it is not a race.  That no one cares how long it takes me, and that no one cares if I have to stop to breathe along the way.

I can't tell you how many times I relate it to therapy.  Today, my sister in law called to ask a question.  She asked a question regarding our plans and I mentioned that I was going to therapy.  She proceeded to advise me that sometimes therapists keep you coming for the money.  I advised her that I had a lot to work thru.  She proceeded to tell me that there is nothing I could be learning today that I couldn't have gotten done in the first 10 sessions.  She advised me how much the church is paying for my therapy.  Please let me feel like a burden all over again, please!  Because, I don't feel like this already.  I don't wonder if I was supposed to be done with everything in the alotted 30 visits with LDS Family.  I don't wonder if this is the best that my life has to offer.  I don't wonder at all if I can do this.  I don't wonder at all if any of this is even real.  Please make me feel better about this, Really?  This sister in law knows nothing of the hell I have been going thru, but definitely has her opinion.  The only reason why she even knows the slightest information is because my husbands parents called her after my husband gave them the information about my first flashback.

I so much want to be by myself.  I don't want to do this.  I again, hate feeling so exposed. 

Today is probably not the day that I should be posting as I have so many things running thru my mind. 

As I said earlier this week, there are too many people that know too much about me and I am so not comfortable with that.

Yesterday, I purchased some new workout clothes to wear on my walks.  I didn't make a good choice in regards to my shirt, and honestly, that was the hardest part to pick.  I struggled with the way I looked and felt in my clothes. 

I am struggling right now in my marriage as we both try to understand the range of emotions that each one of us has.  We are once again colliding.  I struggle with the finances because his idea of expenses and my idea of expenses are two totally different realms. 

I am struggling with work.  I am struggling with therapy.  And, honestly, I want to be done.  My head hurts & I don't sleep. 

I am having a major weak moment tonight.  I meet with the trauma therapist tomorrow.  I can't say I am excited.  I will admit, I have done some things that I am not proud of when it comes to self-injury but not really willing to discuss it right now. 

I am feeling very exposed right now actually.  Like everyone knows pretty much everything about me, except me.  As you may know, the Bishop has been helping me with regards to therapy.  When I was with LDS Family, the therapist was required to communicate with the Bishop.  So, now, not being with LDS Family, I asked the Bishop if he had any communication with the therapists.  He mentioned that he had some contact last week with my LDS Family services therapist.  I don't understand because he has not seen me since I left weeks ago.  I understand that the intern is working with him but I still question how he knows anything about what has happened the last couple of weeks.  I didn't really want to go into it with the Bishop because it doesn't matter.  The Bishop knows everything, but I have wondered if by posting some comments on the internet, or on this blog if I am giving too much information.  Remember, I am the one that wants to keep my curtains closed.  So, no one will know what is inside. 

When I met with my trauma therapist, I was advised that I could not ask "how much longer" until I was done with trauma therapy.  I was advised that this is a long process.  So, once again, in my head I feel guilty that I can't go thru this faster.  I'm not stupid, I know how much this costs.  I know that the Bishop can't take care of this forever.  The Bishop once advised me that when I say "I can't", it sounds to him like I want to quit.  If we are being honest, I do want to quit.  I hate being a burden, yes, that is how I feel.  Yes, I know I am in my "emotional mind", I am there a lot, and I don't really care. 

Maybe it was easier being "fake".  I think my family appreciated me more when I was "fake".  I can't tell you how hard it is for me to have the Bishop 1-know everything about me, and 2-have to pay for my therapy.  So much a part of me wants to quit therapy and go and get a 2nd job.  Then, I wouldn't be home and I would still make money to support my family.  I think my family likes it when I am not home.  Maybe it is just me because when I am home I have homework to do, laundry, dishes, etc.  (you know the routine!)  The sad thing is that I have told the Bishop a lot but yet there are still some things that I have not shared with him.  My Bishop met with my Husband on Sunday and my husband told the Bishop some things that I never would have disclosed but whatever, as I have said, nothing is secret any more.  When I heard that my Husband was meeting with the Bishop, I admit I paniced and reminded the Bishop that there was some info that the Bishop knew that my husband did not know.  In my mind I have formed a triangle with me, the Bishop, and my husband.  I admitted to my Bishop that I felt bad that I had put him in an awkward situation.  He admitted to me that he didn't like to be in this situation.  I did text my LDS Family therapist and asked if I should stop talking to the Bishop and help him out of the situation, he responded "no".  But, again, in my head, if I quit, I help him out of the situation.  I have to admit, I have kept my distance from pretty much everyone.   

Yesterday was a rough day.  As I said, my walk was mentally challenging.  It was the hardest walk of my life.  I cried a lot on my walk.  I was grateful I was by myself.

I wish I had the answers to a lot of life questions.  Yesterday, on my walk, my biggest question was "how could Heavenly Father possibly know how I am feeling"?  I am a researcher and so I searched for answers.  I read Matthew 26 when Christ is in Gethsemane.  I read how Christ took upon him the "sins" of the world.  Well, that didn't answer my questions because I didn't "sin" in my flashback.  At least I am told that, I have been told that by many, that the "sin" is my brother's and not mine.  So, where do I find the answer.  I didn't know what else to do.  I asked my Bishop, I even asked my past LDS family services therapist, hoping that someone could help me answer my questions.  But, then it occurred to me that I needed to be the researcher for my own answers.  So, once again, I turned to the scriptures.  I didn't know what to look for.  Thankfully, the spirit touched my heart, and I looked up the word "tribulation" in the Topical guide.  I then found D&C 58:2-5.  For verily I say unto you, blessed is he that keepeth my commandments, whether in life or in death; and he that is faithful in tribulation, the reward of the same is greater in the kingdom in heaven.  Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.  For after much tribulation come the blessings.  Wherefore, the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.  Remember this, which I tell you before, that you may lay it to heart, and receive that which is to follow.

Through this whole process, I have been reminded by the Bishop, that the Lord could not stop my brother because he can't take away his agency but that he would compensate me.  In my head, I have prayed that none of this would be true, and then he wouldn't need to compensate me because that would be the easiest answer.  If he could make none of this true then I wouldn't need to be compensated.  This is the hardest thing I have ever done because if I trust myself, then I was abused by my brother.  I am terrified to think that if none of this is true, then I am wrongfully accusing my brother and the greater sin is on my shoulders. 

As I have always said, there is a reason for all of this.  I don't know what the answer is.  It hardly seems fair that the Lord that has given me so much, would even be required to compensate me.  And realistically, I am OK if I am not crowned with the "glory" that is promised in that scripture.  I truly just long to be told "well done, thou good and faithful servant", and as the director of LDS family services said "I'm in it for the hug!" 

I was so looking forward to my walk today.  I planned on it all day yesterday.  I love my walk to the Temple that much.  No matter the distance, it is a beautiful place to walk to.

Last night, before bed I looked over some of my old homework before therapy to see if I was ready to share it with my new therapist.  As I looked over it, I read it, and then I put it on the mental shelf.

Sleep did not come easy to me last night.  I literally slept 4 1/2 hours.  I was up by 4:49.  I did a stupid thing last night when it came to eating, and I paid for it all night.  I tried to go back to bed but finally I left my home at 5:20 to go walking.  I knew it would make me feel better. 

As I started walking, I noticed that I was more cautious than I usually am.  I was looking around bushes, etc because it was quite dark.  I concentrated on my music and then tried to listen to the rustling leaves of the quaking aspens (they sound like the rain sticks you used to find in gift shops :) ) and then when I found the rushing water, I listened for it.  But, I was still very much mentally not ready for my walk.

It was a very mentally challenging walk.  As I met with my trauma therapist last week there were some questions that were asked in regards to my last flashback.  I didn't want to know the answers and so I blocked them out.  Needless to say, I can answer those questions today.  I had to stop and cry several times on my walk this morning.  It was the hardest walk I have ever had. 

I did go and meet with my new therapist this morning.  She also asked some very deep questions and gave me some very rough homework.  I told her that her homework assignment sounded very painful.  She advised me that she thought it would be good for me.  I so want to keep the curtains closed to so much of this.  I don't want to go any deeper.  I don't understand and at times, I so wish that I could not believe any of this.  I still question a lot.  It hardly seems possible to be true, but yet the memories don't go away.  There is so much detail to every little aspect. 

My body hurt last night.  I had a lot of tension in my shoulders and so I took some Tylenol and some Benadryl and slept fairly well.  I got up this morning.  I did not go walking because I was lazy and didn't want to go, I figured I could do it after work.  I tried to write on my blog, but honestly, nothing came to me. 

Then the girls woke up.  My 12 yr old gives me a lot of grief in regards to her clothes.  I can tell her to get her clothes ready the night before and she will still have some issue with me.  Even last night before she went to bed she asked me to help her find this particular shirt.  I looked and could not find it.  So, this morning when she got up, I got her wrath.  She was angry with me because I had not folded the laundry.  She was angry with me because I was on the phone.  She is constantly angry with me.  After she vented at me, she turned to me and said "a mother is supposed to nurture and love" and evidently, I don't provide that to her.

I have struggled for some time because I don't know what my role is when it comes to my home/family life.  I am the one that is supposed to "nurture and love", but yet, I also am working full time, and spending a lot of time in therapy.  When I have "me" time, I am being selfish and not "nurturing and loving". 

I have to admit, I probably didn't handle it well.  After she told me that I am supposed to "nurture and love" her and that I wasn't doing that for her I got a little angry in my head.  I shut down as her Mother.  She said some snippy remarks like "what, am I in your way?" while I was doing my hair.  Her friend was sitting in the living room and heard the entire thing as her friend waited patiently for her.  I don't need someone that talks to me like that so I shut down and ignored her (that was the best thing for me!).  So, then she comes in and brings me her homework folder and asks me to sign it-What did I do?  Turned to her in all seriousness and said-"you should have had the parent that cares for you sign it last night before he left."  She started to cry because she didn't want to be disciplined at school, but yet, she can treat me like she does and it is OK!  I hurried and scribbled and said to her "and don't come back in here and tell me you love me because you and I both know that's not true". (I did that because she does this to me DAILY and then comes in, says she is sorry, and then tells me she loves me.  It is such a ritual that it is sick how I can picture it.)  She continued to cry and then said she wasn't going to go to school until I accepted her apology.  Her friend then said she was leaving so I quickly gave her a hug and told her she needed to go, and she left.

I am an awesome Mom.  While all of this drama was going on I was supposed to be at school signing her little sister out of speech.  That didn't happen, for the 2nd time I didn't make it to her appointment.  I probably should not have had kids.  I even advised my husband that it was OK if he says to me that he probably wouldn't have dated me because to be honest, had I known about the abuse, I probably wouldn't have dated.  OH WELL, I did, and I did have kids, so now the question is, WHAT DO I DO NOW?  I have kids, and from the scene above that happens daily in our home, I evidently have screwed up more than my own life.  How do I fix it?

As predicted, yesterday was a long day of therapy.  Trust me, I needed therapy after I came home.  I realize that my being gone is hard on my children.  They don't understand that I am not going to therapy and having a party.  Although, I did have treats during my group session!  It is still not a party.  It is actually quite the opposite.  You know when they tell you that therapy is hard work, they are not lying!  I didn't realize it but I came home completely exhausted, pile on the hostility of the kids, I kind of lost it!  I feel bad that I did.  My 12 yr old totally wants to know everything that is going on with me.  I advised her that there are only 3 people that know my story and that is it!  She was very angry that I would not tell her.  Again, I told her that she would never know.  She even asked if she would know after I die.  I don't think so!  I haven't written this down in a journal. 

As we were driving in to therapy yesterday, my husband advised me that he was conflicted regarding the upcoming Priesthood ordination of my brother's son.  Now, my brother's oldest son is a perfect boy.  He is handicapped and is more perfect than I.  He deserves this opportunity to advance.  But, my husband can't get over what my brother has done.  So, as we were talking, I asked him; Do  you wish you would have known about the abuse earlier in our married life?  Yes, was his answer.  OK, next question; Would knowing about it earlier change anything?  Yes.  Ok, so the tears started to come as he informed me that he would have thought twice about dating me. 

We all have regrets in life, but I didn't want to be my husband's regret.  I can honestly say, if I had known about this earlier, my life would be different.  I truly don't think that my life would entail being married with 4 children.  I think I have only been thinking about myself.  I guess I didn't realize that this was affecting everyone in my life.  I truly don't mean to hurt everyone around me.

This is another moment where falling off the face of the earth sounds really good. 

For the most part, therapy was good yesterday.  The trauma therapist was very gentle and made sure that I didn't go to an extreme.  I did have to disclose the finale of my last flashback.  That was the worst part.  I used 2 tissues on that one.  We worked on some mindfulness exercises.  I am grateful that I had just worked on my "imagery" homework for group therapy so when I was asked to go to a beautiful place in my head, I knew exactly where I wanted to go. 

Long day of therapy ahead.  I am excited for group therapy, but sad to admit, I am a little anxious about trauma therapy.  I don't like uncertainty, and with this, I don't know what to expect.  I have physically been feeling under the weather which doesn't help. 

I have always been a religious person.  I have always tried to acknowledge the Lord's hand in my DAILY life.  All of this has definitely been a trial of my faith.  I struggle to understand the purpose of these flashbacks, my purpose.  What is my purpose? 

I found out yesterday that the girl that the missionaries taught in our home is moving back home.  She will be next door.  I am trying so hard for forgiveness.  I have always loved this girl, she has always been like a daughter.  The truth is, I didn't care if she became LDS or not.  I knew the family rule of her not being baptized until she was 18.  The pain came because of the rejection.  I think that the pain came because of the "cry for help" with the cutting and other self injury tactics.  I couldn't do anything because I was not her Mom.  I still have images of her deep cuts to her wrist embedded in my mind.   Again, there must have been a purpose behind that experience.  I just don't know what it is.

It is so hard to know that the Lord has a plan for me.  That all of this is in his plan.  My Bishop keeps telling me how strong I am.  I think the sad thing is that I don't want to be strong.  I remember even as a child learning to pray, my Mom would kneel next to me and she would say "help me to grow big and strong" and I would refuse to say it.  In my mind "big and strong" was a wrestler, not me.  I was just a little girl, wanting to do little girl things. 

When I have rough days, like I did yesterday, I often feel like I wish that I could fall off the face of the Earth.  Those are the days, where you really do wonder what your purpose is.  I don't think I lifted anyone yesterday.  It would be so nice to take a break for even a day.

I wish I could say I have not had visions of my last flashback going thru my head.  It's the same one as before.  It hasn't changed.  I still cry when I think of it.  I keep trying to push it out of my thoughts.  Some days it works, but it's always there, I can recall it all the time. 

I have been reading on defense mechanisms and I understand now why my latest flashback took so long to come out.  It makes sense that my body was so stressed over finding another therapist and feeling good about my decision that it didn't come out until my decision was made. 

I don't function well.  I really need to learn how to live.  My day consists of waking up, exercise, writing on this blog, work, come home, fix dinner, straighten up the house, and then head back to bed.  I'm going to be honest, I haven't paid a bill in weeks.  I haven't deposited my pay check.  My husband spent quite a bit getting our car registered for the year.  He has all of his pay checks from his work, still sitting on his desk.  He likes to save his checks for a "rainy day".  He has told the kids that we could get Lagoon season passes.  That bill totals approximately $700.  In my head, I see a mortgage payment that can be paid using that $700. 

I still don't know how much I am making in my paychecks since my boss changed my pay from salary to hourly.  My last paycheck was my commission check.  It was a good $200 off what I thought I would be paid and was actually less than what my last check was without commission.  Yesterday, I started thinking about a second job again, which is not healthy for me. 

I don't know how to do all that is required of me.  I get overwhelmed with all of the things that need to be done.  My head is full of "to do" lists.  I spend most of my day in my head trying to figure out how to get all of the "to do" list done.  I have been trying to figure out the financial aid for my college student, my own finances in regards to our family bills, my job and trying to do my best to keep my personal life out of my work performance, then trying to deal with my personal life.  Our family life has been rough.  Sometimes the girls get along, but sometimes they don't.  I still wonder if I am doing the right thing by putting marriage therapy on the back burner until I can handle things on my own. 

There are so many things that need to be addressed.  My trauma, our marriage, my husband and work, not to mention his health, my health, our children, our finances, the list can go on.  My emotions are churning inside as I think of everything that needs to be addressed.  I used to be able to do it all.  I think I handled it pretty well actually.  Now, I am a mess.