The same person that told me to "bury the past" this week, also asked me what would happen if I found out that the abuse didn't happen.  My head hurts a lot.  The truth is, I have already asked this question.  I have asked this question 1000 times.  I have asked this question of every therapist I have spoken to.  The answer "but, it did happen".  I hate that I have to keep convincing myself that it did happen.  I hate that I have no other person on this Earth that can answer this question.  It's not like my brother would ever admit it anyway.  Because that is the way he was.  He never accepted responsibility for anything he did in this life.  Unfortunately, for him, he can't run from responsibility now.

I have wondered what would happen if the abuse didn't happen and I have been "wrongfully accusing" him.  To be honest, I wish it didn't happen, but again, "it did happen."  The flashbacks haven't changed.  My story has not changed.  Even after EMDR, the memories have become distant, which is what EMDR is supposed to do, I can still see it.  I have not processed my last flashback in EMDR because I am so not ready to do that.  But, if I want to recall the ones that I have processed, I can.  To be honest, I am so grateful that I can honestly say that I can recall them instead of reliving them because for a long time, I did relive them.

I have to admit, thru all of this, I have deeply questioned my beliefs.  My Bishop asked me to really work on my testimony.  To learn that I am a daughter of God, and to learn that I have a Heavenly Father that loves me.  This sounds so hard to me.  I have never felt more alone in my life.  I have asked why all of this had to come out.  This has turned my world upside down.  As I said in a prior post NOONE knows how great the expense is more than I.  Honestly, on my walk yesterday, I even thought, "screw it".  Then I hear my Mother's voice in my head telling me that  a lady should never talk like that. 

I'm not going to lie, finding my testimony again, scares me.  Reading the scriptures is so easy for me.  Prayer, terrifies me.  All of this, was an answer to a prayer.  It was the scariest answer to a prayer I ever received.  I still wonder why it had to come out because certainly Heavenly Father knew the expense it was for him.