I wish I could say I have not had visions of my last flashback going thru my head.  It's the same one as before.  It hasn't changed.  I still cry when I think of it.  I keep trying to push it out of my thoughts.  Some days it works, but it's always there, I can recall it all the time. 

I have been reading on defense mechanisms and I understand now why my latest flashback took so long to come out.  It makes sense that my body was so stressed over finding another therapist and feeling good about my decision that it didn't come out until my decision was made. 

I don't function well.  I really need to learn how to live.  My day consists of waking up, exercise, writing on this blog, work, come home, fix dinner, straighten up the house, and then head back to bed.  I'm going to be honest, I haven't paid a bill in weeks.  I haven't deposited my pay check.  My husband spent quite a bit getting our car registered for the year.  He has all of his pay checks from his work, still sitting on his desk.  He likes to save his checks for a "rainy day".  He has told the kids that we could get Lagoon season passes.  That bill totals approximately $700.  In my head, I see a mortgage payment that can be paid using that $700. 

I still don't know how much I am making in my paychecks since my boss changed my pay from salary to hourly.  My last paycheck was my commission check.  It was a good $200 off what I thought I would be paid and was actually less than what my last check was without commission.  Yesterday, I started thinking about a second job again, which is not healthy for me. 

I don't know how to do all that is required of me.  I get overwhelmed with all of the things that need to be done.  My head is full of "to do" lists.  I spend most of my day in my head trying to figure out how to get all of the "to do" list done.  I have been trying to figure out the financial aid for my college student, my own finances in regards to our family bills, my job and trying to do my best to keep my personal life out of my work performance, then trying to deal with my personal life.  Our family life has been rough.  Sometimes the girls get along, but sometimes they don't.  I still wonder if I am doing the right thing by putting marriage therapy on the back burner until I can handle things on my own. 

There are so many things that need to be addressed.  My trauma, our marriage, my husband and work, not to mention his health, my health, our children, our finances, the list can go on.  My emotions are churning inside as I think of everything that needs to be addressed.  I used to be able to do it all.  I think I handled it pretty well actually.  Now, I am a mess.