I am having a major weak moment tonight.  I meet with the trauma therapist tomorrow.  I can't say I am excited.  I will admit, I have done some things that I am not proud of when it comes to self-injury but not really willing to discuss it right now. 

I am feeling very exposed right now actually.  Like everyone knows pretty much everything about me, except me.  As you may know, the Bishop has been helping me with regards to therapy.  When I was with LDS Family, the therapist was required to communicate with the Bishop.  So, now, not being with LDS Family, I asked the Bishop if he had any communication with the therapists.  He mentioned that he had some contact last week with my LDS Family services therapist.  I don't understand because he has not seen me since I left weeks ago.  I understand that the intern is working with him but I still question how he knows anything about what has happened the last couple of weeks.  I didn't really want to go into it with the Bishop because it doesn't matter.  The Bishop knows everything, but I have wondered if by posting some comments on the internet, or on this blog if I am giving too much information.  Remember, I am the one that wants to keep my curtains closed.  So, no one will know what is inside. 

When I met with my trauma therapist, I was advised that I could not ask "how much longer" until I was done with trauma therapy.  I was advised that this is a long process.  So, once again, in my head I feel guilty that I can't go thru this faster.  I'm not stupid, I know how much this costs.  I know that the Bishop can't take care of this forever.  The Bishop once advised me that when I say "I can't", it sounds to him like I want to quit.  If we are being honest, I do want to quit.  I hate being a burden, yes, that is how I feel.  Yes, I know I am in my "emotional mind", I am there a lot, and I don't really care. 

Maybe it was easier being "fake".  I think my family appreciated me more when I was "fake".  I can't tell you how hard it is for me to have the Bishop 1-know everything about me, and 2-have to pay for my therapy.  So much a part of me wants to quit therapy and go and get a 2nd job.  Then, I wouldn't be home and I would still make money to support my family.  I think my family likes it when I am not home.  Maybe it is just me because when I am home I have homework to do, laundry, dishes, etc.  (you know the routine!)  The sad thing is that I have told the Bishop a lot but yet there are still some things that I have not shared with him.  My Bishop met with my Husband on Sunday and my husband told the Bishop some things that I never would have disclosed but whatever, as I have said, nothing is secret any more.  When I heard that my Husband was meeting with the Bishop, I admit I paniced and reminded the Bishop that there was some info that the Bishop knew that my husband did not know.  In my mind I have formed a triangle with me, the Bishop, and my husband.  I admitted to my Bishop that I felt bad that I had put him in an awkward situation.  He admitted to me that he didn't like to be in this situation.  I did text my LDS Family therapist and asked if I should stop talking to the Bishop and help him out of the situation, he responded "no".  But, again, in my head, if I quit, I help him out of the situation.  I have to admit, I have kept my distance from pretty much everyone.