As predicted, yesterday was a long day of therapy.  Trust me, I needed therapy after I came home.  I realize that my being gone is hard on my children.  They don't understand that I am not going to therapy and having a party.  Although, I did have treats during my group session!  It is still not a party.  It is actually quite the opposite.  You know when they tell you that therapy is hard work, they are not lying!  I didn't realize it but I came home completely exhausted, pile on the hostility of the kids, I kind of lost it!  I feel bad that I did.  My 12 yr old totally wants to know everything that is going on with me.  I advised her that there are only 3 people that know my story and that is it!  She was very angry that I would not tell her.  Again, I told her that she would never know.  She even asked if she would know after I die.  I don't think so!  I haven't written this down in a journal. 

As we were driving in to therapy yesterday, my husband advised me that he was conflicted regarding the upcoming Priesthood ordination of my brother's son.  Now, my brother's oldest son is a perfect boy.  He is handicapped and is more perfect than I.  He deserves this opportunity to advance.  But, my husband can't get over what my brother has done.  So, as we were talking, I asked him; Do  you wish you would have known about the abuse earlier in our married life?  Yes, was his answer.  OK, next question; Would knowing about it earlier change anything?  Yes.  Ok, so the tears started to come as he informed me that he would have thought twice about dating me. 

We all have regrets in life, but I didn't want to be my husband's regret.  I can honestly say, if I had known about this earlier, my life would be different.  I truly don't think that my life would entail being married with 4 children.  I think I have only been thinking about myself.  I guess I didn't realize that this was affecting everyone in my life.  I truly don't mean to hurt everyone around me.

This is another moment where falling off the face of the earth sounds really good. 

For the most part, therapy was good yesterday.  The trauma therapist was very gentle and made sure that I didn't go to an extreme.  I did have to disclose the finale of my last flashback.  That was the worst part.  I used 2 tissues on that one.  We worked on some mindfulness exercises.  I am grateful that I had just worked on my "imagery" homework for group therapy so when I was asked to go to a beautiful place in my head, I knew exactly where I wanted to go.