Long day of therapy ahead.  I am excited for group therapy, but sad to admit, I am a little anxious about trauma therapy.  I don't like uncertainty, and with this, I don't know what to expect.  I have physically been feeling under the weather which doesn't help. 

I have always been a religious person.  I have always tried to acknowledge the Lord's hand in my DAILY life.  All of this has definitely been a trial of my faith.  I struggle to understand the purpose of these flashbacks, my purpose.  What is my purpose? 

I found out yesterday that the girl that the missionaries taught in our home is moving back home.  She will be next door.  I am trying so hard for forgiveness.  I have always loved this girl, she has always been like a daughter.  The truth is, I didn't care if she became LDS or not.  I knew the family rule of her not being baptized until she was 18.  The pain came because of the rejection.  I think that the pain came because of the "cry for help" with the cutting and other self injury tactics.  I couldn't do anything because I was not her Mom.  I still have images of her deep cuts to her wrist embedded in my mind.   Again, there must have been a purpose behind that experience.  I just don't know what it is.

It is so hard to know that the Lord has a plan for me.  That all of this is in his plan.  My Bishop keeps telling me how strong I am.  I think the sad thing is that I don't want to be strong.  I remember even as a child learning to pray, my Mom would kneel next to me and she would say "help me to grow big and strong" and I would refuse to say it.  In my mind "big and strong" was a wrestler, not me.  I was just a little girl, wanting to do little girl things. 

When I have rough days, like I did yesterday, I often feel like I wish that I could fall off the face of the Earth.  Those are the days, where you really do wonder what your purpose is.  I don't think I lifted anyone yesterday.  It would be so nice to take a break for even a day.