I was so looking forward to my walk today.  I planned on it all day yesterday.  I love my walk to the Temple that much.  No matter the distance, it is a beautiful place to walk to.

Last night, before bed I looked over some of my old homework before therapy to see if I was ready to share it with my new therapist.  As I looked over it, I read it, and then I put it on the mental shelf.

Sleep did not come easy to me last night.  I literally slept 4 1/2 hours.  I was up by 4:49.  I did a stupid thing last night when it came to eating, and I paid for it all night.  I tried to go back to bed but finally I left my home at 5:20 to go walking.  I knew it would make me feel better. 

As I started walking, I noticed that I was more cautious than I usually am.  I was looking around bushes, etc because it was quite dark.  I concentrated on my music and then tried to listen to the rustling leaves of the quaking aspens (they sound like the rain sticks you used to find in gift shops :) ) and then when I found the rushing water, I listened for it.  But, I was still very much mentally not ready for my walk.

It was a very mentally challenging walk.  As I met with my trauma therapist last week there were some questions that were asked in regards to my last flashback.  I didn't want to know the answers and so I blocked them out.  Needless to say, I can answer those questions today.  I had to stop and cry several times on my walk this morning.  It was the hardest walk I have ever had. 

I did go and meet with my new therapist this morning.  She also asked some very deep questions and gave me some very rough homework.  I told her that her homework assignment sounded very painful.  She advised me that she thought it would be good for me.  I so want to keep the curtains closed to so much of this.  I don't want to go any deeper.  I don't understand and at times, I so wish that I could not believe any of this.  I still question a lot.  It hardly seems possible to be true, but yet the memories don't go away.  There is so much detail to every little aspect.