I have not written for a while because I have been doing a lot of thinking.  I have been trying to do a lot of talking.  Opening up more to my husband but he kind of freaks out when I say something so then I shut down. 

Yesterday, I met with my trauma therapist before group therapy.  I have to admit, I built a wall and I don't think I let it down until probably the last 10 minutes, and then I feel like I opened up too much.  I really do hate the feeling that I have after I have disclosed.  I understand it is "shame" and it is not a pretty feeling.  The therapist even said to me that we would pick up where we left off next week.  I think I even said to him-that we could pick up where we left off if I show up for my next appointment.  I really hate this.  I know it is not serving me well by having a wall.  But, I did disclose some very deep emotions that NOONE else knows except for me, and now the trauma therapist.  I had one of those, "I can't believe I just said that." moments.  I admit, we were going along very comfortably until I opened up.  I even told the therapist that "we were done".  I didn't want to go any deeper.