I do a lot of thinking and I realize that I have not posted in a while.  I had Mother's Day.  It was as good as could be expected for a Sunday.  I still had the questions from my walk on Saturday going thru my head, and again, Sacrament meeting is not my favorite time.  To be honest, this week, I really did not want to go to church, the only reason why I did was because I had made a commitment and my children were singing for Mother's Day.  But, I guess, I am not telling you anything new.

I have many fears as I go thru this journey.  My life is changing, and I am on this huge roller coaster.  It is scarey.  I have asked from the beginning, "what if I don't like the person I become?"  But, one of the bigger questions is "what if my family doesn't like the person I become?" 

I remember my first day back to work after having my last little one.  By the time my little one was 6 weeks old, I gave birth, had my tubes tied, got an infection, removed my sister from life support, spoke at my sister's funeral, buried her, blessed my baby, had a gall bladder attack, and had my gall bladder removed.  All this while dealing with the hormone changes of having a baby.  My first day back, I walked in to my boss and said to him, "I am a different person today than the woman who walked out of here 6 weeks ago."    My life changed forever in those 6 weeks.  I'm not so sure my boss likes the person that I have become.  But, now I am still married, and I am not so sure my husband likes the person I am becoming.

I don't know how to keep changing for the good and still control the happiness in my home.  Yesterday, I was informed that I need to "bury the past" and quit wasting my time at the expense of my marriage, family, and health.  I carry so much of the burden on my own.  I took the comments and tried to understand what this person was trying to tell me.  In my head I wanted to scream "how dare you pin all of that on me?"  Again, this person meant well, but my heart hurts just thinking about the comments. 

As you all know, I am LDS and I truly do love the Gospel.  With all of this, I have maybe asked once, "why me?" but when I know of the other options that my brother had, I would do it all over again.  That is how much I love my sisters.  I have never asked "what's in this for me?"  I have been told that the Lord will compensate me for my pains.  I am fully aware that ALL that I have comes from my Heavenly Father so realistically, I have already been compensated. I am fully aware of the "requirement" that I need to fulfill in regards to forgiving my brother.  I have never been one to seek revenge and realistically, I do want my brother to have Eternal Happiness.  Because, I want the same thing for myself.  The pain from this goes so much deeper than I ever imagined.  As I said above I am a different person.  I am not so sure my husband loves the new person.  So, how do I obtain Eternal Happiness, when my Eternal companion isn't so sure that this is what he bargained for?