My body hurt last night.  I had a lot of tension in my shoulders and so I took some Tylenol and some Benadryl and slept fairly well.  I got up this morning.  I did not go walking because I was lazy and didn't want to go, I figured I could do it after work.  I tried to write on my blog, but honestly, nothing came to me. 

Then the girls woke up.  My 12 yr old gives me a lot of grief in regards to her clothes.  I can tell her to get her clothes ready the night before and she will still have some issue with me.  Even last night before she went to bed she asked me to help her find this particular shirt.  I looked and could not find it.  So, this morning when she got up, I got her wrath.  She was angry with me because I had not folded the laundry.  She was angry with me because I was on the phone.  She is constantly angry with me.  After she vented at me, she turned to me and said "a mother is supposed to nurture and love" and evidently, I don't provide that to her.

I have struggled for some time because I don't know what my role is when it comes to my home/family life.  I am the one that is supposed to "nurture and love", but yet, I also am working full time, and spending a lot of time in therapy.  When I have "me" time, I am being selfish and not "nurturing and loving". 

I have to admit, I probably didn't handle it well.  After she told me that I am supposed to "nurture and love" her and that I wasn't doing that for her I got a little angry in my head.  I shut down as her Mother.  She said some snippy remarks like "what, am I in your way?" while I was doing my hair.  Her friend was sitting in the living room and heard the entire thing as her friend waited patiently for her.  I don't need someone that talks to me like that so I shut down and ignored her (that was the best thing for me!).  So, then she comes in and brings me her homework folder and asks me to sign it-What did I do?  Turned to her in all seriousness and said-"you should have had the parent that cares for you sign it last night before he left."  She started to cry because she didn't want to be disciplined at school, but yet, she can treat me like she does and it is OK!  I hurried and scribbled and said to her "and don't come back in here and tell me you love me because you and I both know that's not true". (I did that because she does this to me DAILY and then comes in, says she is sorry, and then tells me she loves me.  It is such a ritual that it is sick how I can picture it.)  She continued to cry and then said she wasn't going to go to school until I accepted her apology.  Her friend then said she was leaving so I quickly gave her a hug and told her she needed to go, and she left.

I am an awesome Mom.  While all of this drama was going on I was supposed to be at school signing her little sister out of speech.  That didn't happen, for the 2nd time I didn't make it to her appointment.  I probably should not have had kids.  I even advised my husband that it was OK if he says to me that he probably wouldn't have dated me because to be honest, had I known about the abuse, I probably wouldn't have dated.  OH WELL, I did, and I did have kids, so now the question is, WHAT DO I DO NOW?  I have kids, and from the scene above that happens daily in our home, I evidently have screwed up more than my own life.  How do I fix it?