So, I have been wondering did the flashbacks come as an answer to a prayer?  I have to believe that they did because that is what I was asking for.  I was asking for an understanding of why I struggled with feelings of worthiness.  If the answer came from Heavenly Father, then I have been given this trial to heal and grow.  The sad thing is that if the answer came from Satan, he has done a pretty good job of taking me with this.  Last night as I was talking to my husband, this week is Stake Conference.  He asked how many people I thought would skip Stake Conference and think that it was a Sunday off.  I told him, I was tempted.  No one would know I was not there.  We don't take the Sacrament at Stake Conference, so in my head I am not "self injuring".  Why not?  Evidently, that wasn't the answer my husband wanted to hear and he is not a spiritual giant but he turned to me and said, "satan has you right where he wants you."  Thank you, that was so nice.  I appreciate you telling me that.  (this is what I am thinking in my head!)  I think he could tell I was a little disgusted with his answer and then he was quick to say "I don't think satan has you in a bear hug, but he sure has a hold of your ankle!"  (oh that's even better) 

Work has been hell the last 2 days.  I can't tell you how many times I have heard that I can't be a most of the time person, I need to be an all the time person, and he's "not so sure I can do that".  I am not a good "team player" according to my boss but I am never going to be a part of their team because I am not carrying the same last name as the boss.  I didn't understand why my boss was being such a jerk to me until last night as we were getting ready to leave the office a young man he had interviewed months ago and he would have hired but it didn't fit into his schedule, now all of a sudden calls and needs a job.  I have been advised that he is going to do what he needs to do to get the team that he wants in place, and he has given me a year to make the changes and what have I done?  Nothing!

I have been carrying a huge load between work and family and personal.  I have had to do some prioritizing and I thought that I could work on me personally and put my job on hold.  Granted, I still work just as hard and did have a huge cut in pay but I felt like it was a safe decision.  Now, I am not so sure. 

You know thru all of this, I have thought several times, there is one person that could sure ease the burden.  But, yet, I am still going thru this and it is still just as hard if not harder to carry.  I am sure tired of hearing that I am going to be so "strong" when all of this is done, and I will have learned so much that there is a reason for this test and we don't know what it is but it will definitely strengthen me.  OH, OK, I get it. (not really)