Yesterday was a rough day.  As I said, my walk was mentally challenging.  It was the hardest walk of my life.  I cried a lot on my walk.  I was grateful I was by myself.

I wish I had the answers to a lot of life questions.  Yesterday, on my walk, my biggest question was "how could Heavenly Father possibly know how I am feeling"?  I am a researcher and so I searched for answers.  I read Matthew 26 when Christ is in Gethsemane.  I read how Christ took upon him the "sins" of the world.  Well, that didn't answer my questions because I didn't "sin" in my flashback.  At least I am told that, I have been told that by many, that the "sin" is my brother's and not mine.  So, where do I find the answer.  I didn't know what else to do.  I asked my Bishop, I even asked my past LDS family services therapist, hoping that someone could help me answer my questions.  But, then it occurred to me that I needed to be the researcher for my own answers.  So, once again, I turned to the scriptures.  I didn't know what to look for.  Thankfully, the spirit touched my heart, and I looked up the word "tribulation" in the Topical guide.  I then found D&C 58:2-5.  For verily I say unto you, blessed is he that keepeth my commandments, whether in life or in death; and he that is faithful in tribulation, the reward of the same is greater in the kingdom in heaven.  Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.  For after much tribulation come the blessings.  Wherefore, the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.  Remember this, which I tell you before, that you may lay it to heart, and receive that which is to follow.

Through this whole process, I have been reminded by the Bishop, that the Lord could not stop my brother because he can't take away his agency but that he would compensate me.  In my head, I have prayed that none of this would be true, and then he wouldn't need to compensate me because that would be the easiest answer.  If he could make none of this true then I wouldn't need to be compensated.  This is the hardest thing I have ever done because if I trust myself, then I was abused by my brother.  I am terrified to think that if none of this is true, then I am wrongfully accusing my brother and the greater sin is on my shoulders. 

As I have always said, there is a reason for all of this.  I don't know what the answer is.  It hardly seems fair that the Lord that has given me so much, would even be required to compensate me.  And realistically, I am OK if I am not crowned with the "glory" that is promised in that scripture.  I truly just long to be told "well done, thou good and faithful servant", and as the director of LDS family services said "I'm in it for the hug!"