Last night, we went to visit my parents.  We do this every Sunday (I need to make some changes but have to work the kids into it!).  My family gets together and the kids get to play.  Well, I love my brothers and their wives.  No one in my family knows about my situation except for my little sister, so of course they would not know what my comfort zone is.  My little brothers have sons.  At one point one of my little brothers asked my oldest daughter if she knew what something was?  When she advised him she did not, he proceeded to tell her a dirty joke.  The entire conversation then turned dirty.  I advised them that I was not comfortable with the conversation and informed them that I live in a house full of girls and that my girls did not need to learn what they were discussing.  Well, my sister in laws then got in to the conversation and tried to advise me that is just how "guys" are.  They actually laughed that I did not want to discuss it, and knowing I was not comfortable put more fuel to their fire.  The only way out of the discussion was to leave and so I did.

My oldest is very spiritual and so as we left, she decided that she and I would drive up by the Bountiful Temple.  She advised me that she was not comfortable and she could sense that I was not comfortable and so she was very willing to leave.  We started talking about spiritual things and we discussed being "foreordained".  I know of many that have been "foreordained" but I struggle to realize that I am.  We talked about Patriarchal blessings and we talked of how real Satan is.

I am one that does not like conflict and so when it came to therapy I struggled with the way things ended up with my EMDR therapist.  I was told that I needed to tell him how I felt and that I needed to listen to him explain to me his feelings as well.  So, Saturday, I met with him.  He told me that I had an "emotional intellect".  I asked about EMDR and advised him that I just could not do it again.  He explained to me that the last 2 sessions of EMDR he was trying to tap into my "emotions".  He was trying to push me along thru therapy.  He had no idea that LDS Family Services was not going to allow me to see my therapist anymore.  So, the timing of his pushing EMDR and then having to look for a new therapist collided-big time!  He even advised me that had he known, he never would have pushed me like he did.  I asked why it took so long for me to finish my last flashback.  He explained that it was like opening a can of worms.  I opened up the can of worms in one of my last sessions of EMDR, I did fight back the memories, I know I did, but when I finally got thru the stress of seeing a different therapist, the worms or memories had to come out, and that is why I didn't finish my last flash back for so long. 

As we talked I understood more clearly where he was coming from in regards to our last phone conversation.  He knew things on a professional level that I did not and that was that there was more trauma to work thru.  He told me that I need to stop saying that I need to be "done"with this, because I will never be "done".  Once I disconnect the emotions that are tied to my flashbacks I will be stronger but I am always going to be "processing".