Yesterday was a rough day for me.  I actually got into a place in my head that I have never wanted to go.  As I have said before, my therapy sessions do not end when I leave, they actually start when I leave.  This week was no exception.  But, it didn't go to a pleasant place.  And, realistically this flashback is stuck.  It sucks!  I knew I was not comfortable with even the word pornography even before all of this happened, I prayed it would never happen to me.  Then I had the flashbacks.  I still try to block it out because pornography is awful.  I have some awesome daughters and so I never thought that I would have to deal with it.  This flashback has a lot to do with pornography and damn it, I was supposed to have already processed it in both regular therapy and EMDR.  I thought that I had.  This particular flashback was the original flashback that I refused to process after it first happened because the details are horrid.  So my EMDR therapist was very good to just listen as I talked of other things, knowing full well that I still needed to process it.  My friend, bless her heart, told me that I still needed to process it with someone, and so I processed it the next day with my individual therapist.  Unfortunately, every time someone even mentions the word pornography it takes me back to the ugly place.  This week was no exception as my individual therapist talked of a client that was in to pornography and how the power of the Temple helped him to overcome some of those temptations.  As he talked to be honest, I felt myself going to the ugly place and so I tried to tune him out, I really did.  I started feeling all of the muscles in my body tense up and again, tried to tune him out.  In my head I tried to change the subject.  I went to how I struggle to feel worthy to go to the Temple, how I have met some amazing young men that have pornography addiction and how I wish so much for them to overcome.  I went to how strong Satan's powers are.  But, damn it, I can't stop now from going to my ugly place.  I am not kidding, I heard the words pornography and masturbation, and my skin just starts to crawl.    I am sure you are wondering why?

This flashback that plays over and over in my head, involves my brother.  I really hate my damn it moments.  I knew where my brother hid his pornography.  I also know how he used it.  I was so young, there was no shape to my body.  I did not develop into a woman until after he had gone on a mission.  He would use his pornography to arouse himself.  I am not going to go any further in my thoughts because I am sure that there are some that may read this and not believe that anything like the continuation of this flashback would ever happen in our home.  To be honest, I scream inside on a daily basis because I can't believe that it happened in my home.  I so need to move past this. 

Yesterday, the emotions were so bad.  As I said in an earlier post, again all I could think about is that $160,000 life insurance benefit, and to be honest, I went further down that path than I ever have.   I went for a 5 mile walk, hoping that it would help, but that caused my muscles to cramp and caused physical pain, so I came home and took a hot bubble bath.  It helped a little, but honestly, I hated that I was having those thoughts.  All I could hear in my head is therapy telling me that I needed to "reach out".  The thoughts of reaching out scared me.  The reason it scared me is because I reached out once and the person that I reached for, freaked out and was going to call the police to come and get me because they were so afraid.  I knew I didn't want to do that and so I did the next best thing.  I prayed that my Bishop would reach out to me.  I am not kidding when I say this but within 2 minutes of ending that prayer my Bishop sent me a text.  I thanked him because that one text gave me so much strength, I then got a text from my therapist, it wasn't much but an answer to a question, but then I got a whole conversation from a friend who was miles away on vacation and 2 hours different in time and still reached out, none of these individuals know the impact that they had in those short texts except for me.  I was blessed.

I am not going to lie, I did medicate myself to sleep, but at least I didn't do what I wanted to do.