My prior post was actually one that I did not publish until today.  There was a lot of reasons behind the fact that I did not publish it.  I didn't want to publish in onto my blog.  But, after I read it today, I needed it to be on my blog because this blog is for me.   A lot of things have happened since I wrote that blog post yesterday morning.  I still have lots of things going thru my head.  And honestly, I have had a headache for days.  My neck muscles are killing me, and I don't sleep much.  Hopefully,  I will be better soon.

I don't understand a lot of things in my life.  I think it sucks that I have had these flashbacks.  As I was talking to a friend, she has also suffered thru a lot.  I told her that I hate hearing that this is going to make me stronger, or that the knowledge that I get from this particular trial will help someone else.  My first thought, is my heck, I have to be stronger than this, that means that there is going to be another trial, that is just as big, or bigger, and my second thought, is that if I have to learn this to help someone else, that means that someone is going to have to go thru this hell.  I keep telling my Bishop, that I can't do this anymore.  The physical pain and exhaustion are overwhelming.  The mental pain and anguish is what's killing me.  The Bishop told me that when I say I can't then it comes across as "quitting".  I can't believe how so tangible this burden really is.  When you see those pictures of Christ carrying the cross, you can physically see how heavy that cross was.  Well, I totally feel like the cross that I am carrying right now is overwhelming, and that I may fall to the ground. 

Yesterday was my last session with LDS Family Services.  I loved the therapist that I had there.  He was very good to me and for me.  To be honest, it broke my heart to walk out yesterday.  When I got into my session yesterday, he was running late and went right to my flashback.  When I told him the details, he started asking some "devil's advocate" questions.  Questions like, "are you sure you didn't see this in a magazine, or a video?"  It kind of hurts to write those questions.  But, I know why he asked.  I kept telling him over and over, "I have never done this."  I never would have imagined this one up, and I never would have come up with this one on my own because I can honestly say, I have never done this, so for me to see me doing this in my flashback literally makes me want to throw up again and again.  Because this has made me so nauseous, I have hardly eaten because the last thing I want to do is throw up (I hate doing that!). 

I want it known that I NEVER searched for pornography.  I NEVER purchased it, and I have not looked at it ever in my life.  The flashback that I have seen involves my brother with his pornography, I didn't even know it existed in my head until approximately 1 month ago, and I can honestly say I did not know how far this went until last week.  The sad thing is that I don't need to go looking for pornography when it plays over and over in my head.  And, where it involves me, that is when the sick feeling comes.

In all of my other flashbacks I was clearly held against my will, but with this last one, I could have gotten up and left, but I didn't.  Again, those of you that know my identity, please don't judge me when I say what I am about to say.  The reason why I have felt like shredding my temple recommend is because what I have seen, I never should have been given a temple recommend until I had repented.  To be honest, the thought of attending Sacrament meeting tomorrow is killing me.  I don't know if I can do it.  The therapist voice in my head may be telling me that skipping the sacrament is "self injury", but I am having another one of those "I don't care" moments. 

Many may say that I don't know what my brother and his friends would have done to me if I had gotten up and left.  I can tell you, I do know, my brother would have physically abused me, because he did that anyway.  But, as my friend pointed out to me, it would have happened another day because my brother wanted it that way.  I still wish he would have killed me.

So, here we are, I am done with LDS Family Services, the therapist intern doesn't know how to deal with trauma, and the EMDR specialist doesn't call back.  So, what does that mean for me?  I basically processed my flashback with a therapist that can't follow up.  The only one that knows the entire story besides myself and his work is done.