I was advised by my therapist that I need to keep writing in my journal.  With that being said, and following my blog post from yesterday, I am keeping my blog open for the moment.  There really may come a time where I have to close my blog, this makes me sad.  The reason why this makes me sad is because when all of this first came out I have looked for meaning.  I have tried to understand why this had to come out, and what is the purpose.  I have always felt that everything truly has a purpose.  Now, I know that I am growing into a different person.  But, I have also hoped that something that I have done in my life no matter how crappy it is could help someone.

Yesterday, I got off work early.  I didn't have therapy and the morning was rainy so I did not go walking.  I chose to go on a 5 mile walk.  I love my walks so I put on my clothes, grabbed my ipod and I was out the door.  As I walked up my first street, I saw a young boy stuffing something in his back pack.  As I got closer I realized that it was my nephew, my brother's son.  My brother's son is soooo much like my brother, it is almost sickening.  As I got closer, I said "hello" and he looked at me and said "hello" back and called me by name.  I am not kidding, I wanted to crawl in my skin.  I wasn't expecting him to respond to me, but I also was not expecting to feel myself go outside myself.  Thankfully, I have been learning something from Group therapy because my heart was racing (and it wasn't from my walking), and I started to hyperventilate.  I could feel myself start to dissociate and it was not a comfortable feeling.  I was able to focus on my music and my breathing (that was a huge help!) and talk myself thru it. 

This morning, was my extra long walk.  My walk to the Temple.  When I walk it is just me and my thoughts on the pavement.  Well, when I got to Lakeview Dr which is the street that I walk up every Saturday, I felt major anxiety.  The reason for this is because the resting place for my brother, his wife, and my sister is on Lakeview Dr.  I literally walk past this cemetary every week.  I have not been able to bring myself to go since probably October when I thought that I could forgive my brother.  I even went and got ornaments for a tree nearby for Christmas, those ornaments still sit in my cupboard.  I just could not do it. 

I was planning my lesson for Sunday when I came across a scripture in Mosiah chapter 2 that talks about when you pass away before you repent.  Now, I don't know the Lord's plan for my brother, but I am certain that he did not repent while on this Earth.  I have thought about what life is going to be like when I do pass on to the other side and I see him for the first time.  I am thinking that I am not ready to forgive because to be honest, I don't really want to see my brother, and I really don't want him to apologize, and I don't want him to speak to me.  The pain really is still too fresh.  But, then I am reminded that I am required to forgive all. 

I don't sleep well, which is extra challenging.  I didn't fall asleep until probably 1:00 and that was with the help of Benadryl.  (I know, it's bad but we have had this discussion!)  The sad thing is that even with Benadryl, I only slept 4 1/2 hours.  I was up by 5:29.  In the past I would have gotten up and started my walk earlier, but instead, I laid there until 6:00 and then went for my walk.  The sad thing is, if I didn't need to go to therapy this morning, I probably would have walked longer (which isn't good because I was already gone for 2 1/2 hours!)