Is it normal to wake up every day with your mind racing?  Probably not, but nothing about me and my life is normal right now.  So many questions, so many prayers, so many fears, as I said to my friend yesterday, my life is a mess.  I know I say that often, and I am sorry that my life is a mess, especially for one who loves to have control. 

Last week was General Conference, this week is the most sacred weeks of all Christian history.  The week of our Savior's triumphal entry, Palm Sunday, the week of the ultimate betrayal by one of his beloved apostles, the atoning sacrifice in Gethsemane, the crucifixion, but then the blessed Resurrection.  You need to know, that I know, he conquered it all.  He truly is my Savior.  He is the only reason that I can wake in the morning and know that there is a purpose, a reason behind everything that happens.  That because of him, I can grow thru my trials, and he lifts me, even when I feel that I just can't go on.

This week, I have to admit, I have been researching when good therapy goes bad.  Please don't misunderstand, I am grateful for the treatment that I have received, but this week has been hard.  I am trying to understand a lot right now.  I have cried more tears thru this trial than I have ever in my life.  As I said, I have questioned my actions, are they my actions because I want them, or are they my actions because my Heavenly Father wants them for me?  This week I have even questioned if my choices will adversely affect others.  I have been told that all of my choices with therapy are my choices.  Now, I know sports, and I am telling you, I had a major curve ball sent my way.  Now the question is do I hit the ball out of the park, strike out, or hope the umpire calls a ball and let it pass me by?  To be honest, those who know me, know that I am not an athlete, music is my thing, I play the piano, not a ball game, and I am here to tell you, I hope the umpire calls a ball and lets it pass.  You may laugh but many moons ago, when I was in Young Women we played softball.  Do you know how many times I hoped that the pitcher would hit me so I could just get on base and not have to swing at the ball?  I would gladly take a bruise, not a big deal to me.  Besides, we were girls, and it was church ball, it was not often you would find a competitive pitcher, so it wouldn't hurt too bad.  I totally went off on a tangent, but hey, that's ok, it's me.  My point is, yesterday, I think my therapy may have gone a little bad.  It wasn't because I was pushed to do better, because I have had that experience, I understand that experience.  I don't want to elaborate because even though some things were said, and maybe some boundaries were crossed, that is not who I am.  Please don't get me wrong, my heart pleads that the option that I chose in regards to my therapy, will still work for me.  I have been thru a lot to make this decision.  My Heavenly Father knows it and right now I have to just pray that the rug doesn't get pulled out from beneath me again.  It's pretty bad that I may need therapy to deal with termination from therapy.  And, it's not supposed to be that way at all.  (I know, I have researched that as well :) )

One thing is certain, I have been learning a lot about me.  I was talking to my sister the other night.  She is the only sibling that knows of the abuse and knows the hell that I have been thru.  I have not shared a lot with her but she knows enough.  We were talking about my therapy and she was questioning my therapy a little.  I had to point out to her that I have done therapy my way.  My first flashback was an answer to a prayer.  I have questioned everything about my faith, the Gospel that I knew, my testimony, I could go on and on.  My deepest feelings are ones of self worth, worthiness to stand in holy places because as I have said, this life is the life to prepare for our Eternity.  My sister than said something that  has really made me think.  She said that this is my first trial of my faith.  I reminded her of so many of my trials, but this is the first trial of my faith.  Think about it, we all have trials, but it isn't until after the trial of our faith, that we truly come to know.  (I hate that she is my little sister and she knew this, I am supposed to be the smart one).  I do have some fears when it comes to my new direction with therapy, I am not going to lie.  But, I think that the choice that I have made can not only help me but can also help another.  And realistically, that is why we are here on this Earth, is to help each other.  Sometimes we don't help each other, we hurt each other.  Sometimes the pain is superficial, and sometimes the pain is deep.  Right now, I feel both the superficial pain, and the deep pain.  I know that because of that atoning sacrifice I can heal, and I can be a better person.  As the director of family services said to me, when all is said and done, and I leave this "frail existence", I can honestly say and I quote "I am in it for the hug!".  That would truly be my greatest reward for all of this.  For my Heavenly Father and my Savior to truly know me, to call me by name and embrace me.  That my friends is what all of this is about!!!