I hate that my emotions are all over the place.  I hate that there are times where I just want to scream, and times where I just want to cry.  As I said yesterday, my head hurt, and I took A LOT of Ibuprofen, and to be honest, I did not care.  On Sunday night as I laid in bed talking with my husband I had a flashback, it is one that I have had before, again, it is one that I thought I had processed with both therapists, and it sucked that I had to go thru it AGAIN!  I don't understand why I keep having this same flashback.  To be honest, I cried myself to sleep Sunday night.  I hardly slept, I was up 3 times between 1:00 and 6:00 and I think that is why I had the headache is one for lack of sleep and two because of the flashback.  My flashbacks make me want to pull my hair out, or when I cry so much, polk my eyes out.  I truly just want them to go away and leave me alone.  I don't understand why after 8 months of therapy, why my flashbacks are still happening, and why they have such a hold on me. 

I spoke with my Mom last night.  She mentioned to me that she was taking an anti-depressant, and she remembers the first time she took them, she felt "flawed".  It was a sign of weakness to her.  Now, I am not taking anti-depressants because of my choice in regards to therapy and that direction, but when my Mother indicated that she felt "flawed", no wonder why I struggle with perfection, because my Mom had to be perfect too.  She really struggles still with the fact that I am going to therapy.  I can't tell you how many times a week she asks if I think it is helping! Do you know how many times I want to say "I'm still alive aren't I?"  Because trust me, I still have those days.  So, yes, if I am still alive, therapy must be working.  I can't tell you how many times I have wished that my brother would have killed me instead of raped me over and over, but I don't get that choice either.  So, there must be a reason.  Interesting that I'm the one that's still alive and he's not.

I mentioned to my Mom last night that I was working on coming up with some money to pay for our daughter's Summer semester of college.  I have some money stashed from our tax return, and honestly, I don't really care about money right now (yes it was 5 days before I went to the mailbox to pull out my bills, damn someone has to pay them!), but my daughter's education is important too.  So, I had to have my father take me to work today, and as soon as I get in the car he tells me that I need to not worry about my daughter's schooling and let him deal with it.  OK, first of all, my hell, my Mom told him all about our conversation last night, and second of all, the last thing I want is for all of my family to know that my daughter needs money for school.  Sure as God made little green apples, if one of my siblings finds out that my parents helped me financially, I might as well open myself up to the passing of judgement by all, because honestly, once you are indebted to family, you are indebted forever, and everyone knows about it!

I don't mean to be critical but, one of the first things you learn in therapy is identify your "safe" people.  No, I knew before where my parents were in regards to the "safe" department, but my heavens, anything I say, really?  I am so very confused about what direction I am going, and what I am doing moving forward.  As I said to my therapist on Saturday, twenty years from now, I am still going to be a "survivor of abuse", but 1 year ago, I didn't even know this existed.  It doesn't go away.  I can't tell you how many times I "google" to verify what "false memories" are.  Nothing I find makes it go away.  If they were "false" memories, they wouldn't keep coming up.  Do you know how sick it is to see your brother sitting in front of you sexually aroused?(you have no idea how hard that was to write!)  I see myself, standing there in front of him as he is looking at his magazine of "women".  I was nothing like those "women".  I'm not kidding, I still don't look like those "women".  There was nothing to my shape.  NOTHING!  This flashback has played over and over in my head probably 20 times this week.  I don't know what happens next because I keep doing all that I can to push it out.  My head is killing me, every day.  And, yes, I medicated myself to sleep again, but at least I can say, I slept 5 hours uninterrupted which is huge for me lately.