I went to therapy last night.  She asked if I did my homework.  Well, between the flashback, my last day of LDS family services, Sunday, and dealing with issues in regards to a trauma therapist, the answer was "no".  I have homework for DBT (group therapy), and haven't done that either.  I think I am still in shock that all of this is happening right now.  But, I have also had so many thoughts running thru my head.

I have been thinking a lot about repentance.  I am going to be honest (I say that a lot!) but, I think it's important for me to say that because this is genuinely about me.  I have tried to live so I didn't have to repent.  I know, that's impossible, so that being impossible, means I haven't felt worthy for a long time.  (There I said it!)  The sad thing is that my definition of worthy, is so different from someone else's.  I even had one person tell me that no one could live up to my definition of worthy (isn't that nice?).  But, in my mind, I thought that everyone thought the same way I did.  I swear to you I had no idea that not every woman hated their body, I thought that was part of being a woman.  This is all new to me. 

The highlight of my day was spending time with my sweet friend and her mother.  I am honored that my friend would want me to meet her mother and to be a part of that bond for even a few hours.  We had a great time.  My friend is a convert and has been sharing a lot of our LDS religion with her mother.  Her mother spent some time with the Elder's over the weekend, and needless to say, she had some questions.  I was born and raised in the Gospel, but I don't know everything about it.  When this sweet woman started asking questions about missionaries, and family, all I could do was give her my thoughts and understanding of the gospel. 

I have lived "in" this world a long time, and I can see how many would question some of our beliefs.  One thing I am learning thru my trials is that this life is all about choice.  If I had a chance to do our conversation over again, I would tell her that the young men that go on missions do "choose" to serve the Lord.  As I told her last night, we as parents in the gospel talk about missions from the time our little ones are born.  We want our children to have that experience, we want our children to gain that testimony for themselves.  Even as a mother of all girls, I tell my daughter often to "shoot for a mission".  Granted, I tell her that because I don't want her to marry young, but if she "shoots for a mission", then when/if she truly finds the one she is to marry, she will think hard and ask the Lord two very poignant questions; Do I go on a mission, or do I marry this man?  Honestly, that is what I asked of the Lord.  I knew that I could serve a mission later in life and so I chose to get married.  Granted, I didn't think that I would serve a mission just by opening my curtains, but that is a whole other conversation. 

When it comes to families, she asked what if you don't really get along with one of your siblings, what does our church feel about that?  Well, I would be the wrong person to be asking because I can personally say I have some issues with a sibling.  Again, if I could have my conversation over again with her, I would tell her that we believe that this life is only temporary.  We do believe that our family is forever, that all of us will live again after we die.  Again, everyone has choices, but when we become as our Father in Heaven wants us to be, we will not have any ill feelings towards our siblings, we will have a greater love for each other, because we will then understand anothers heart the way that our Heavenly Father understands our heart.  Because, as I am learning in therapy, everyone's heart has good intentions, we just need to find them.