Last night I went bowling with my Husband.  It is not one of my favorite things.  I was actually very much out of my comfort zone.  I suck at bowling but we went for Elder's Quorum, which meant that 20+ people were going to watch me bowl.  Well, I am learning from therapy that I have no pride.  I need to step out of my comfort zone and so I went bowling.  However, there was one stipulation-I got the gutter guards!  You may laugh but I was the only one out of the 20+ people there that got the gutter guards.  I still was not a threat!  I broke 100 once out of the 3 games that we played.  Needless to say, I was a little embarrassed to have the gutter guards but at least I was there.  I wouldn't say it was my favorite date night experience but Thankfully, the people in our Ward are amazing and we had a good time.

I have been thinking a lot about therapy and my direction in life.  Saturdays always suck for me as I ponder on the coming of the Sabbath.  I have an internal war each week as I ponder on the Sacrament.  This week I committed to singing with the Ward Choir and so I needed to be there.  I even had to run home once after getting to church because I left my music, and I still made it in time for Sacrament.  I watched those young men as they stood and blessed the Sacrament.  After the prayer, I couldn't look up because I kept repeating the Sacrament prayer "always have his spirit".  I have gone to the Bishop.  He is fully aware of everything I have seen in my flashbacks.  Every week I think "how could I be worthy after I have seen what I have seen?"  It is still just so hard.  Today, as that Sacrament was passed, all I could do is pray that Heavenly Father would one day make this easier for me. 

Yesterday as I went to therapy I learned that I hide my emotions very well.  I was advised that sometimes that is not a good thing.  I was also told I have been "hyper capable", which means that I do everything for others, but inside I am "boiling".  It's true, I was also told that because I hide my emotions so well, probably the only ones that see my true emotions are my immediate family, and they see it when I "boil over".  I have to admit, he used the word "facade", which is not one of my favorite words because I don't like to be "fake".