Again, my mind is racing. So many things to think about. Thinking of my 2nd to last therapy session with LDS family services, my marriage, my children, my job, where I stand in the whole scheme of things. There is a lot to think about. My emotions are very high. I thought if I went for my walk this morning that it would change my outcome. All I could think about on my walk is how stupid I was for not taking the necessary calcium on Saturday to avoid the muscle cramps for the last 2 days. Today's walk hurt every muscle. On my walk I also hoped that I could say that I had no fear. There is one area on my walk that is an open field. I will be honest, I get freaked out over that field on a daily basis. Again, today, it was no exception. On my walk I also had a moment where I was very uncomfortable with myself, if you remember a couple of weeks ago I had a moment where I freaked out and became uncomfortable in my own skin. Today, I had another one of those moments. Thankfully, it did not last as long as the last time and I was able to work thru it.
Yesterday, I told you that I had lost it on Sunday night. Well, what I failed to tell you was some of the comments my middle child said to me that night. After she heard us fighting, she started to cry. When I walked past her room and heard her crying I went in to talk to both my 12 and 9 yr olds. My 9 year old was crying because she was afraid that she would wake up in the morning and I would not be there. My 12 year old asked a tougher question. "Why doesn't Heavenly Father love us anymore?" Wow, first let me crawl out from under the rock I am under and see if I can help you understand. How do I do this? How do I help my little ones understand that this life is a trial? How do I help my little ones understand that Heavenly Father loves us so much he wants us to be stronger? How do I do this, when I can't answer it for myself? How do I strengthen them and carry them thru this, when I am just as desparate to be carried as they are?
I turned to my Bishop on that one. Well, he then advised me that I already know how to answer my child. OK, so if I already know how to answer, how do I relate it to a child. So many times a child is able to rely on the testimony of their parents to carry them thru the difficult times. Much like the Stripling Warriors, a child should be able to say "we did not doubt, our Mother's knew it". So, what do you do as a kid when both Mom and Dad are on the edge? The easy answer would be to look to one of your leaders, but as a parent, OUCH! Why can't my children say they didn't doubt?
I don't want to sound like a hypocrite to my child. She is questioning, just as much as I am questioning. I know that this life is a test, as the Bishop pointed out, we did not come to this Earth to play. But, we did come to this Earth to feel JOY. Part of me wants to tell her to pray about it and figure it out on her own. The other part of me, the Mother, hopes that I can be strong enough to help her thru this and that we can both learn from this experience just how much Heavenly Father loves all of us.
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