Last night was group therapy.  I had a very productive day at work, and I was feeling pretty good about how the day went, until about 3:30 when my boss called me into his office.  I explained to him what he wanted to know about flood insurance and medicare supplement as he requested (which is difficult because for a man that is supposed to know about insurance, he wants to know it his way, and evidently, I can't communicate it to him his way!)  He talked to me about the woman that he was looking at hiring and proceeded to tell me that he just "doesn't know" about me and the direction that I am going with our office.  "If you can work every day like you work today, you have a job here, but your track record doesn't prove that you can".  (nice, but no worries, he wasn't criticizing! just being honest!)  This conversation went on until his daughter, called me out of the office to help her with a phone call of a client that needed better direction than she could give.  I finished that phone call for her, and then went back in to the office.  I was reminded again about the issue when I almost walked out of the office when I was being investigated for insurance fraud, which HELLO, I would not have been questioned if I wasn't told by my boss to write the damn application, but he pointed out that I "didn't leave", because that wouldn't have been the right way to handle that situation.  And I should be glad that he "questioned my integrity."  This went on until after 5:00.  Honestly, all I could think about, is "are you kidding me, I am being paid hourly, so my time is done at 5:00".  I did call him a bad name over and over in my head.  Finally, I got up and walked out of his office, he was still talking to me but his daughter had not shut down the office yet, so it needed to be done.  I changed my clothes and finally left the office at about 5:15.

I have to be honest, I cried the whole way to therapy which is about 45 minutes.  I hate that I have to work.  I hate that I don't ever get a break for myself unless I wake up early to do it.  But, honestly, I hate that my husband watches me every day come home from the abusive environment that I call work and he doesn't have a problem with it.  That I can tell him that I hate having to work, and it is almost as though he isn't listening, or that he doesn't care. 

There are days where I just can't carry my load any more.  At one point during the group therapy session last night as I listened to these two other women in the group talk I felt like they are so much more advanced than I.  I honestly questioned why I was there, that maybe I should drop out of the group and start the next one (if there is one).  One of the women related to the trial that she was going thru  to labor pains when having a baby.  That if you relax, the pains will work in your favor and you will progress faster than if you fight the pain.  (see what I mean, far more advanced than I).