Conference weekend has come and gone.  It was rough, I cried thru most of it.  I admit, I did sleep thru some of today's morning session.  I have cried a lot this weekend.  Yesterday when President Eyring stated that he had prayed for a "mountain" as he called it, I thought about my "mountain".  I too prayed but not expecting the "mountain" that I got.  I am not kidding, my heart hurts so bad.  Maybe I wasn't ready for my mountain.  Maybe my foundation wasn't as sturdy as I thought it was because right now I totally feel like I am on sand. 

I know this is bad, and please understand that I am really struggling to understand a lot.  Please do not take anything I say as doctrine, I just need a place to put my thoughts.  First, I am so confused.  I still find it hard to believe my repressed memories.  That is it, they were repressed.  I don't know why they ever had to surface.  I think of my married life and the last 20 years I was able to do it all, and I was OK with it.  I was the working Mom, the wife that supported her husband, I did the homework, school projects, cleaned the house, did the laundry, cooked the meals, served on the PTA, served my church callings, I never needed help from the Church to survive, I was the one that helped the members.  I will never forget the first visit to the Bishop's storehouse.  It was such a humbling experience.  As I watched families who only wanted to provide for their families, I became "one of the least of these."  I get that I needed to have that experience so that I could be humbled.  I know that I was blessed to have that experience.  OK, one experience that I was grateful for. 

So, then I have the repressed memories surface.  I know that I was guided to LDS Family Services, or at least I thought I was directed.  Now, when I am in the middle of this process, I am being told that their work is done.  But, mine is just beginning.  I am so cautious that I researched everything from the very beginning.  I researched Post Traumatic Stress, I researched EMDR, I researched Sexual Abuse, but everything I researched was based on my religious beliefs.  My LDS faith has always meant so much to me.  Now, I don't know.  I have been taught about agency.  My brother and his friends took my agency.  Do you have any idea how it feels when your husband comes up behind you to give you a kiss on the neck and you are startled so deeply that you cringe?  Can you imagine how that makes your husband of 21 years feel?  He hasn't talked much to me today.  That's always a good sign.  How am I supposed to trust?  I haven't needed to trust anyone because I did it all myself and when I did it, I was cautious.  I know the Holy Ghost tried to tell me when I was in danger when my brother and his friend raped me.  When I didn't ask Heavenly Father his desires with regards to the mission discussions for that young girl how do I trust that I will make the right decisions now?  To be honest, I don't even know I feel the spirit anymore.  Because I have screwed that up a time or two.  Now, when I think that I have started back on the right track, my church, tells me that I can't continue down this path.  Start a new path.  Really, this was supposed to be my journey.  Can I ask, who screws up therapy?  I'm sure there are not many people that can say that they were told they would have to go elsewhere from their church.  I read so many talks where the Apostles say for you to go to your Bishop.  I did that, the Bishop is not an expert so he has LDS Family Services to help with that.  Now, my Bishop doesn't have that option.  So, now what? 

You have no idea how much I wonder if this is the answer to my prayer.  That if I walk away from therapy then I have the extra time to get a second job.  Then the conference talks remind me that a Mother's place is in the home, but wait, I can't do that, because I need to provide for my family.  I then go to work, which I am not supposed to be there I should be home, and I hear from my boss telling me that I am not giving him my best.  But, I am told in therapy that I am doing my best.  The day my little one had stitches in her chin, I should have been with her, but I was at work, and then when my child called telling me about the emergency at home, I was told by my boss that I needed to teach my children that I am at work.  I am told I need to get a new job, but then I need to spend time with my family, but then I am told that I need to take care of myself, but then when I do things for myself I am selfish and only thinking of myself.  Someone please remind me why I can't take all the pills in my cupboard.