General Conference weekend.  The day that I have been waiting for.  Am I mentally prepared?  I don't think so.  I truthfully am a mess of emotion.  I have been crying for the last 3 days pretty much and conference has not even started.

As I indicated in my last post.  I need to go to a different therapist.  I went to my session yesterday to hear his options.  I am not going to post my options or what I chose yet.  OK here is where you realize this is my space...  I still struggle to pray for me.  I'd by lying if I didn't tell you that I struggle to pray period.  Well, this is a huge decision for me but yet, the decision has to be made.  When I first heard my options I thought really? that's it.  In my head I was thinking, you said I had options, damn it give me my options.  I sometimes feel this is still so much between me and my Heavenly Father.  Again, I have tried to do everything I am supposed to do, everything I have been asked I have done.  It says in the scriptures "I the Lord am BOUND when ye do what I say."  He has to bless me, so now what?  I walk away from therapy, go tell my story to someone else?  I am so afraid for me and for my family.  I need this experience (if I have to have it) to strengthen me because I promise, if I go, I will lose generations so I know I need the strength to do this, for me and for my daughters.  So, I have made a decision.  I am terrified.  What if it's not the right decision?  Then the next thought-pray about it.  Then all the fears of , am I worthy, will he answer, will I feel the answer? 

As I go thru this, I am reminded over and over about the last time I made a huge decision and did not consult the Lord.  When a young girl asked if she could have the mission discussions in my home, and I let my heart speedily answer yes.  I think about that decision every day.  If I would have asked, would he have told me "no" that it wasn't time for her to have those discussions?  Well, it didn't matter because I didn't give him the option.  I am still living with the consequences of that decision. 

So often, I go thru my day "numb" to my feelings.  So, going back to my decision, if I pray about this decision, will he answer?  What if it doesn't matter what I decide?  Am I honestly going to know that I made the right decision, or am I "numb"?  What if in my heart I already know what I want and the Lord tells me "no" and I do it anyway?  If I do it anyway, am I risking a bad experience like the one I had with the young girl and the mission discussions?  I hate that it even matters to me.  That I rely so much on my Gospel principles.  Many in the world would look at this blog and say "enough already" or "are you kidding, what does it matter?" 

My first flashback was an answer to my prayer.  There is no denying that.  Which means that there is something that I am supposed to learn from this.  I also truly believe that if I have to go thru this, then the only way that I am going to make it is if I let the Lord guide me.  He is the only way that can truly take all this hurt away.  He is the only one that can heal my heart.  He can strengthen me so I can come out on top of all of this so when I do finally meet him, I will know him.  That is so important to me  is to truly know my Heavenly Father and the Savior.  I need my heart to know him so when I do finally meet the Savior, I won't need to see the prints in his hands, but that if he walked past me in a crowded room my heart will take me to him because I will know him. 

This is the hardest thing I have EVER done.  I have knelt in my own Gethsemane, I am still there.  I have felt pain beyond my comprehension, my pain, the pain for my brother, for his posterity, for my posterity, I still feel the pain.  But, if history holds true.  After Gethsemane, there was the cross, but then there was that Glorious Easter morning.  When the Savior conquered it, he conquered it all!  I hope that I will have my own "Easter morning" in this lifetime (are you kidding, I'll take it tomorrow).    I need my own "Easter", and the only way I am going to get it, is by letting the Lord guide my path.