I had a friend that knows my identity send me an email today and tell me that I need to keep writing.  I told her I would.  This blog is for me and so here goes, my thoughts are ugly right now.  Please forgive me if I offend but I really need to get some feelings out.  I was not able to go on my walk.  It was rainy and cold, and I was completely in my head and I don't really care.

I got a note from my therapist advising me that there was some "red tape" that we needed to discuss in my next session.  I don't do red tape.  If you remember from my prior session I was left very confused as the direction that therapy is supposed to be going.  Come to find out after some prodding I have exceeded the number of visits allowed with LDS family services.  OK, I get it.  The focus for LDS family services is really a 12 step program, it is not meant for long term.  I get it. 

Again, I apologize to anyone that reads this that may get offended but again, this is for me.  I prayed for an answer to a prayer, an answer as to what was really bothering me, why I struggled for perfection.  I prayed to know why I struggled with trust, my faith, my feelings of worthiness, etc.  All of this crap was an answer to a prayer.  So, now I have this answer to my prayer.  Heavenly Father is supposed to help me thru this.  Not abandon me.  I have been told that the Lord will compensate me.  I have said from the beginning, Please don't compensate me, just give me peace!  I really don't ask for much.  I understand my role in building up the kingdom.  All that I have, I freely give. 

It was once said that Joseph Smith when he was shown the degrees of glory said that any earthly mortal, if they could peek into the Terrestrial Kingdom, they would die to get there.  That is how much more glorious the next life is from this life.  The truth is, when I feel like maybe I can do this, I am pushed another 10 steps back.   Every day, I am having one more thing thrown at me.  As I said before, if this is the best I can do, or the best I can be, then I will take whatever degree of glory I get.  To be honest, my feelings today, even outer darkness sounds good to me.

Yes, I know that my friends who know my identity, will send me notes telling me they are worried about me.  Thank You for your love and your concern.  This too shall pass.  I am in my head, and right now, it is where I am most comfortable.  I am searching for answers.  I am searching for my path.