This morning I went for my walk.  I didn't want to go.  I wanted to go back to bed, but I went.  I wish I could say it was a good experience. I am going to be honest, in therapy I have learned that I "dissociate", what this means in a nutshell is that you do what you do but you aren't really there.  For example, a form of "dissociation" is day dreaming.  Or you get somewhere and you have no idea what it took for you to get there.  Well, that was me this morning.  I listened to my music and I zoned out.  I wasn't in my "work out zone", no I was completely in a "different zone".  To be honest, I don't even know what "zone" I was in.  At one point on my walk I got very warm and so I took off my sweatshirt.  Now anyone who knows me knows that I love my body (not) and my work out clothes are meant for workout and so they are to put it nicely, Spandex.  I hate Spandex!  I could hide my body under my sweatshirt, but all of a sudden that security was gone.  Now picture this, it is 6:30 in the morning, it is pitch black, no one actually knows it is me under this Spandex but all of a sudden I became very uncomfortable in my own skin!  It became an awful situation for me.  Because, not only was I "dissociating" but I became very "hypervigilant" or cautious of my surroundings, like to an extreme.  I did not feel safe in my state of mind and that caused me to "regress", basically I became a scared child that was freaking out.  It was not good and I am still trying to mentally get out of the situation.

To know how bad it was I will tell you this.  I got home from my walk, got in the shower, and put my jammies back on.  I tried to write on this blog and I could not do it.  Mentally, there were no words.  My thoughts are still very "choppy" which really sucks on a day that I have EMDR because I really don't want to go there.  I think the thoughts of having another session like I had last week with EMDR terrifies me.  Can I feel sick all of a sudden so I don't have to go?  OK, so do you see the little girl still coming out (I don't think I have shared with the cyber world today that I have that love/hate relationship with my therapist but I have said some words in my head to him :)  If he reads this, he would be so proud!)?  Do you know what I really wanted to do this morning?  I wanted to be irresponsible and stay home from work, go back to bed, sleep for at least 24 hours, have Burger King for breakfast, and eat chocolate.  Do you know what I did?  I watched a meditation video on You Tube to try and get myself back to my current age because I didn't know what else to do.  It truly was one of the most uncomfortable feelings I have ever had.  I am really struggling with my inner child right now and the thoughts that I have towards her are not becoming of a woman.  But, anyway, I did not have Burger King, although I still wish I did but I had Raisin Bran instead, and have not had any chocolate yet.  So, the ADULT in me made some very wise decisions!  I can't guarantee I won't have chocolate by the end of the day but at least I had my 2 scoops of Raisins!