I know, 3 posts in one day.  Sorry, but like I said, this is for me, so deal with it. 

I have an amazing friend that talks me out of my tree quite a bit.  Tonight, she sat and listened and let me cry.  I probably didn't cry enough.  I told her of my situation and she asked me a very powerful question.  As I told her about my situation with my therapist, she advised me that there is nothing I can do about the situation until Friday when I actually go into session.  I am so afraid of the dark.  She gently reminded me that I am already in the dark.  It's true, it is very dark and I am terrified.  I don't want to be in the dark any more.  I am very protective of my emotions.  My session on Friday is during my lunch hour.  Which means that I will have to go back to work.  I don't particularly like to cry and then have to go back to work.  Again, being protective of my emotions, in my head, it would be easier for me to just walk away from therapy.

The powerful question that my friend asked was for me to identify my emotion.  Again, please don't be alarmed by what I am about to say.  I can't do this on my own yet.  It is obvious in my actions this week as it has been 10 days since my last session.  My life is in a "mess".  Yes, I use that word a lot but I am working every day to survive.  I would be lying if I told you I didn't think about life on the other side on a daily basis.  I understand I take the pain with me.  I understand that I would leave a lot behind, but sometimes it feels like that is the only way I can see to get thru it.  I finally come to the realization that I need to step into the dark and accept that I have to enter into therapy with both feet and as the Bishop said today he doesn't want to "rip the rug out from underneath me".  I also don't want to do this with another therapist.  I want the therapist that I have told all of my stories.  I want the therapist that I can ask him to open up the scriptures and explain to him how I interpret them and for him to know my heart and say " I understand".  Now my mind asks, if Heavenly Father had to give this to me, surely he knows the desires of my heart, can't I please have the desires of my heart?  I have done everything I have been asked to do.  I'm just not strong enough to do this on my own yet.  Then as I sit in the quiet of the night I am reminded "Trust in the Lord with ALL thine heart."  If only it were that easy.

I have been asking who was supposed to protect me?  Tonight, as I thought about that powerful question from my friend to identify my emotions she then asked why I wouldn't go to my session on Friday to at least get some closure.  She asked me what I was afraid of?  I advised her that I needed to protect myself because no one else will.  I am trying to protect myself.  I am trying to protect me from my brother, my husband, my children, I am trying to protect my heart from being hurt.  I know some who read this know my parents, they did the best that they could, and I love them dearly, but they did not protect me.  They could lock out the strangers but I needed to be protected from within.  I don't want to hurt any more.  I am protecting me, from me.