I had to exit this morning because as you could tell it got really rough.  To be honest, I fought the flashback all day.  I had to stay in my right mind at work.  My boss called me in to his office and asked me if I would commit to continue working for him.  I found out that the young man that he was going to hire did not take the job, and his daughter is considering going back to school and may possibly looking at another job.  Which means that he needs to know where I am.  I can't answer him and that bothers him.  I don't know what I want anymore.  There is so much to my life right now and my boss is not making it easy on me.  With the constant discussions on responsibility, accountability, and work ethic I am going to go crazy.

Tonight when I was by myself at the office I did take a moment to cry.  The things that I am uncovering and the work that I am doing is the hardest thing I have ever done.  I don't sleep well, my body hurts quite often, and to be honest, tonight if I could have run away, I would have.  My workout clothes were in the washer or I probably would have gone another 10 miles after my 3 this morning because I just needed to get away.  Instead I put on my music and thankfully I have a very dear friend that talks me out of my tree.

I called my EMDR therapist and asked him if I needed to use EMDR to process this last flashback.  I have to admit after last week's session, I am terrified and exhausted.  I have no more energy to deal with one more thing.  Last week's EMDR was so bad that it took me 3 days to recover.  I just can't do it again.

As I talked with him he gave some advice on how to process the flashback on my own and then in his humble way said that in 30 years he has never had such a unique situation as my own.  I told my friend that and she laughed and told me I should write a book.  I don't know if that is a good thing to be "unique".  Remember, I am the one that would totally sit in the woodworks and hide if I could. 

So, if I have to I need to write about this flashback.  I totally think that the work on my "inner child" is what brought this out so I have been having another one of my love/hate relationships with my therapist.  But, I must be learning something because I realize it's not him, it's all me! (yea! me!!!) 

It is not good what I did with regards to this flashback because instead of letting it be, I freaked out and closed my blog.  But, I saw in my flashback me in that blue floral sundress.  I was in the back of the school, which is just across the street from my current home.  I remember running away.  My flashback was sketchy and to be honest I don't know who I was running from.  I think it was my brother and one of his friends.  As I sit and write about my flashback my body just hurts.  My chest is tight, and there is so much in my shoulders that once I get thru this 800 mg of Ibuprofen should help.    One thing that I have learned that when I would hide, it would be in plain sight to the normal human being but in my mind no one could see me.  I literally hid by the 3rd grade doors, huddled in the corner.  (ok this is the sarchastic me*hello, do you not think that anyone could see you?  Even the stupidest stray animal could have found me!)  Of course they find me.  There is a large diesel tire as part of the obstacle course.   I go willingly to the center of the tire where no one can see us and I am pinned to the ground.  The ground is dead grass and hard dirt.  I am not stupid, I know where we go from here.  My back is killing me and I can hardly breathe.  I think that is the furthest I choose to go with this flashback.

I am going to do a 360 because I totally do need to get out of this flashback.  What am I supposed to be learning from this?  I don't ever want to minimize someone else's trials but where was my Heavenly Father all these times?  I have heard all the stories of the miracles of Faith.  Really, as I have said numerous times, Hello, our Father in Heaven can move mountains.  I have been trying to understand my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  I still struggle to pray, not for others, that is easy, but for myself, that is a whole other story.  I see the love that our Savior Jesus Christ had for all of us as he suffered, but yet I don't know how it applies to me.  Last week in group therapy we talked about serving for the wrong reasons.  The truth is, it doesn't matter how we serve because the Lord knows our heart.  I still can't get a deep breath and I have cried so much that I have sores that line my nose.  It hurts to touch even the tip of my nose. 

To wind down I listen to my music.  My music testifies to me of a living Christ.  My music lifts my spirit and helps carry me thru my darkest hours.  My music tells me that I am not the only one with suffering but that there is hope.  Hope for a brighter tomorrow.  My family gets a little tired of listening to church music every day, I have even been told that it should be saved for Sunday.  But, there are days that I am living in Hell.  Sometimes, my music allows me to be at the feet of the Savior.  I only pray that when I do meet him, I won't need to see the prints in his hands and feet, I will know him, deeply know him as much as he knows me!  I can't guarantee that I will ever fully understand the Atonement.  Last October, General Conference was very hard for me.  I even texted my therapist during the session because I could not handle it.  It is pretty sad that I have to mentally prepare for Conference already but it is important to me.  But, I also pray I can prepare for Easter.