I am going to be honest.  I have not been on my morning walks since my episode Thursday morning.  I can't even explain the fear that I have because I don't even understand it.  I don't know if it is the dark morning, or the fact that I go alone, or the cars bright lights but the thought terrifies me.  But, I also miss my walk.  I don't know what triggered my episode and I don't know realistically how I got out of it, I just know that it happened. 

I have a job interview tomorrow and I would be lying if I told you I was excited.  It sucks that I have to deal with work on top of all of this crap.  So much of me doesn't want to go.  I stress about getting time off work to go because with the interview and with the hours of therapy I am overwhelmed.  My daughter says I need to prioritize.  So, I asked her what is my top priority?  Her answer-Therapy, interesting, why do you feel that way?  She turns to me and says "you have to take care of yourself, and if you can't take care of yourself, then you can't take care of anything else."  It was so good to hear her say that because that means that I am teaching her right.  But, then it hits me, am I practicing what I preach?

I met with my Bishop and we talked about my resent towards the temple.  After we talked he understood completely how I could resent the temple.  He advised that I need to go to the Temple to feel of some successes.  Well, then the fear again starts boiling up inside me.  I asked, what do I do if I finally get up the courage to attend a session and I can't do it.  It's not like a bad movie where you can get up and walk out.  Every aspect of the session is important and every aspect of the Temple is a sacred experience for the one that has gone on before.  When you go thru the Temple you do the work for someone that did not have the opportunity to go before they passed away.  When you look at the names they are real people that lived 100's of years before.  They have waited for this day.  This very day when they will finally be able to go thru the Temple.  I can't just walk out.

As I said before, when I went to that Sealing ceremony for my brother it was literally all I could do.  I was emotionally drained just by actually being there.  It was a tender mercy of the Lord that I walked out of the sealing room on my own and that those two sisters sent me down a long hall because I was able to be by myself.  I was able to cry and I was able to communicate with my Heavenly Father for strength when I had none.

Thankfully, the Bishop gave me some other ideas.  Things to start out small and work my way up to an endowment session.  It's going to take some time and this is when my patience really shines because you will find that I have none.