It's the Sabbath.  A day that one is supposed to look forward to.  One that you can reflect on how you live your life, to renew your covenants, and to become closer to the Lord.  Then, why is it the hardest day of the week for me?  My typical Sabbath starts on Saturday, as I try to prepare my home for the Sabbath.  Which means a clean home.  Yes, I know it is once again a part of my perfection issues.  It usually is never clean enough to my satisfaction.  There is always laundry to do, food to prepare, you know where I am going with this?  A woman's work is never done, but isn't this supposed to be a day of rest?

But, to be honest, this is not the major issue.  When I first started this journey I had so many questions.  Questions that only Heavenly Father could answer.  I get so tired of hearing the typical statement "you know the Lord doesn't give you more than you can handle?"  I'm sorry, I think that's CRAP!  I am a very impatient person, and I want my answers NOW.  When I leave this Earth, will the answers even matter?  As I said to my therapist, of all of the people that can take this away from me, that can ease my burdens, take away my pain completely, it would be our Heavenly Father.  I don't get it.  I have no idea why I needed to have the flashbacks.  

I go to Sacrament meeting every week.  There have been weeks where I have purposely been late for church because Sacrament meeting is the hardest for me.  I have questioned my worthiness for a long time.  Longer than August when the first flashbacks started.  I have seen the movies of Christ's suffering.  I have seen suffering, I have felt suffering and I have never wanted to be a reason for Christ's suffering.  So, that meant that I needed to be as good as I could be.  In other words "perfect".  When I couldn't do "perfect" I let my temple recommend go.  The last question the Bishop and Stake President ask when being interviewed goes along the line "do you feel worthy" to attend the temple.  I didn't, I still struggle with it.  I don't know what my definition of "worthy" is.  I don't know how to even partake of the Sacrament worthily because it is a huge commitment.  Last week as I struggled to sit thru Sacrament a sweet woman in the Ward saw how emotional it is for me.  It really was all I could do to just sit.  I didn't want to be there.  I don't understand the atonement.  When Sacrament was over, this woman leaned forward, put her arm on my shoulder and asked if I was OK?  I of course said yes but inside I knew how I was feeling.  I wasn't OK.  My heart hurts to understand what I am supposed to be learning.  The faith that I had before I started this was enough for so many.  Why is it not enough for me?  I never thought my heart would fail me when it came to my testimony.  Why now?

The thought that going thru this could help someone also makes my heart hurt.  I know how much I want this to go away for me, but if I have to learn it for someone else, that means that there is one more girl that is being abused.   Whenever I ask hard questions of my friend and she opens up to me I apologize because that means that she has been there too.  I am only one person.  I can't change the world.  Again, there is one...Boy, I have a lot to learn.  Probably the most important relationship I have to learn is the one with my Heavenly Father.  It's also the hardest for me.  He is God, Omnipotent!  Again, if anyone can take this away, it is him.  I may not be ready for Christ to come, and realistically I accept whatever degree I receive in the Eternal realm.  But, at least when Christ does come, we are promised that Satan will be bound which means that the abuse will stop.