So, today is Friday.  The day I go to therapy at LDS family services.  I have so many thoughts going thru my head.  When I went to my first session at LDS I totally thought I was going to be one and done because that is how it was when I went to IHC.  I was so wrong.  I have questioned if I was supposed to go thru this faster.  After I had my first flashback I was told that I could work thru this at my speed. 

Please remember this blog is for me because I really need to get these emotions out.  Please know that I am asking a lot of questions, I am searching for answers.  OK, my memories were repressed for 30 years.  This has changed my entire existance.  I have always been one that believed that everything happened for a reason.  So, what am I supposed to be learning from this?  Honestly, last night as I stood in the shower and cried the scripture "O ye of little faith." kept coming into my head.  I know this is wrong but this is how I feel.  I know that all of us have trials.  I didn't even know this was one of my trials.  Then, when I am given the trial, I'm sorry but I guess I expected that Heavenly Father would direct me.  I cannot say honestly that I have done everything that I have been asked when it comes to therapy.  If you remember from my last session I was told to go the Temple.  I still have not done it.  Again, I was supposed to be able to do this at my speed.  I know I have a temple recommend.  I know that if you ask all of the questions I am worthy.  I don't know what I believe anymore.  I struggle to pray.  I struggle with the Sacrament.  I struggle with my role as a wife and mother.  I struggle with the Priesthood, with Eternal families.  I struggle with repentance and forgiveness.  Heavenly Father is supposed to direct my path.  If you remember the scripture "trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding, in all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy path."  I personally cannot believe that this is happening.  Realistically, the crap I have been given is hard enough to deal with.  I can't do it on my own.  I know that I am not strong enough to do this on my own.  I have fear, I know that I need to become stronger for my family.  I fear that my family is at a huge risk.  That I am at risk.  I know I am sitting on the fence.  I know right now I fight every day to hold onto the rod.  I know there are days where I say, "screw it." (I know that is not appropriate for a lady, I really don't care.)  I know that  I have not as Christ said "descended below" all of the trials of this life.  But, sometimes, when you are completely in the dark, I feel like I can't get any lower.