As I said yesterday, I have a lot of thinking to do.  I finally found a way that I dared wear my workout clothes in public again because it is getting too warm for a sweatshirt.  I wear a t shirt over my clothes, then I don't feel so exposed.  The temperature was perfect this morning and I did go walking.  I had a hard time feeling a rhythm in my walk.  It could be the Benadryl I took last night so I could sleep, or it could be that again, I did a lot of thinking.  I was a little freaked out being by myself again in the dark morning but I had my music to calm my nerves. 

It wasn't until I almost got home that I really started thinking.  I thought of a statement my friend said to me last night.  She said that right now I have one foot in the door, and the other is outside.  I need to decide if I am going to step in, or step out.  What this means to me is this- am I going to step in to the fact that I have borderline personality, that I was abused, and that I am going to walk thru the door of therapy; or am I going to step out and close the door; I will still have borderline personality, I will still have the question of being abused, and I will eventually have to reopen the door to therapy.  As I thought about if I believe that the abuse happened or not I remembered being with my brother's high school sweetheart.  She is an amazing woman and one that I dearly love.  I didn't even tell this woman that I was abused but as we talked, she opened up to me that there was a time that my brother had attempted to rape her.  She didn't know at all of the memories that I had.  I did start to cry and when she told me how he approached her, I was shocked.  He turned it into a game.  He wanted to play kissing tag.  Another freaking game!  The memories that I have of my brother and the rape that occurred with me was tied in to a game.  This morning on my walk as I contemplated the thoughts that were running thru my head I remembered this talk with my friend, my brothers girl friend.  Do I believe that my brother did that to her?  Absolutely!  So, now I question, if I believe her, then why don't I believe myself?

It all comes down to one thing, one word, that magical, all powerful word of TRUST!  Well, that really sucks!  Do I step in the door with both feet?  I'm not going to lie, it's a terrifying thought.  Both feet means that the abuse happened. Both feet means that I do have borderline personality, that it's never going away and that I have to learn to manage it. 

One distorted thinking pattern that I am learning about is "mind reading".  As I mentioned last week, my therapy session actually keeps going in my head after I leave my therapist.  As I thought about my last session, remember I put on my blog that I was defensive and that there was a wall that I put up.  One of the comments that my therapist stated was that I needed to let people in.  Again, mind reading is a distorted thought process but where was the wall-between me and my therapist- ironic that he didn't mention that I needed to let him in.  Huh, is that what he was trying to tell me?  I am still confused.  I don't have any answers, so yes I still have one foot in and one foot out.  Either way I go, it is going to be painful but one lesson that I am starting to learn very clearly is there is a difference between pain and suffering.  If I walk out the door I am going to suffer.  If I step in, it might hurt, but as I get further from the door hopefully the pain will be less intense and hopefully if I step even further maybe there is a prettier pathway.  Dang it, I have got to go in and shut the door behind me.