I have a confession!  This weekend has been one of those weekends that I feel weak.  I totally want to crawl into a hole and never come out.  But, I don't really have a choice, so I pull myself out of bed and go thru the motions.  I know if you read my post from yesterday you would think that  I have the world going for me.  But, as I have said every week, Sunday's are hard days for me.  Is it bad that I hate Sundays?  To be honest, the thought of General Conference coming up makes we want to crawl deeper into the hole! 

I am working so hard to change my life.  Every aspect of my life needs some sort of change.  I am so overwhelmed with the changes.  Today is one of those days where I feel like I just can't do it. 

On Friday, my little one fell and cut open her chin.  She needed stitches.  Where was her MOM?  Not with her in the emergency room.  The Mom was at work.  When my baby needed me the most, I was not there.  Nominate me for Mother of the Year!!!

Forward ahead to Saturday.  I had an amazing walk.  Saturday night General Young Women's session!  It was awesome to be there with my new little Beehive.  I sat there and cried, the entire session.  My daughter even went to the restroom to get me tissue because I couldn't stop crying.  I thought of my last therapy session.  Discussion on the temple.  I thought about what it really was that I was afraid of when attending the Temple.  It all comes down to feeling worthy!  My therapist keeps bringing up the feeling of shame.  Every week, I quickly change the subject.  At my last session, my therapist asked what I had done that day that would not make me worthy to be in the temple.  I admit, I have said a word or two.  He laughed and said that if everyone that swore wasn't worthy to go to the temple, no one would be there.  OK, I get it, but it goes so much deeper than that.  Now is the point in the blog where I ask those that know of my identity to not judge.  If I don't feel worthy to go to the Temple, what makes you think I feel worthy to pray?  How do you pray to have the spirit with you, when you don't even feel worthy to have his spirit?  It is so much easier to pray for others than it is to pray for myself.  We are taught in the scriptures that the "spirit cannot dwell in any unclean thing."  What does that mean for me?

I have been doing more reading on borderline personality.  My thoughts race when I think of it.  Because, if I have borderline personality, then the odds are highly likely that I was abused.  It's not going to go away.   In a prior post I mentioned that I have to either step in or step out.  Today is one of those days where I just don't know if I can do it.