EMDR was more intense yesterday than it has ever been.  My muscles tensed up so much that I even bent the ring on my right hand.  My body can totally feel it.  Last night, after EMDR I went into group therapy.  It was a rough crowd on me.  I'm the new one in the group, so when all of the others in the group shared they shared with confidence.  When I shared, it seemed as though all of my flaws were being exposed.  I am thankful for the one that basically told me that I was in "survival" mode.  Because, yes, it is true, I am surviving every day.  And every day is a task.  However, on the plus side, if I had not gone to group therapy, I would have gone home, probably cried and sat in a hot bath.

I gained a new insight in EMDR, a new thought that I am struggling to grasp because I believe it to be reality.  When I first started having flashbacks, I had an image which I believed was the first time I was abused by my brother and his friend.  When I had flashbacks last week of a 3rd boy I didn't know how it all fit in.  However, I think, and again, my brother is dead and so I will never know his side to the story, but my take on this whole thing is this.  I believe that my first flashback was the first time for my brother's friend, however, it was not the first time for my brother.  I believe that he had abused me earlier.  I also believe that my brother was the pimp and I was his hooker.  Basically, he used me to keep his friends