Last night as I was looking over my thoughts on this blog, my 18 year old came up and stood behind me and asked whose blog I was looking at.  I told her I did not know whose it was.  She called me a liar and told me she knew.  Well, my first impression was to make my blog private.  If I am the author, I can certainly lock this at the click of a button.  That is why I started this blog.  I have my own family blog, but this blog was for me. 

If you are reading this blog, you will find that I did not lock it.  So today's post is geared to what I want my 18 year old to know about this blog.  Because, she is one that you can tell her not to read it, and she will read it anyway.  She is not devious, just very intuitive and very eager.  I thought as I was walking today about my prior posts.  Thankfully I don't think that I have posted anything that would be rated "r" and that my posts are a good "pg13" rating.  She has watched those kind of movies and so I am not concerned. 

But, what is my concern is this... My parents are good people.  Yes, there are things from my past.  Parents are not perfect, and there is not one kid that comes with an instruction manual.  Every day as a parent is trial and error.  There are things from my childhood that I wish I could change.  My childhood was hard.  An older sister with an eating disorder, sexual promiscuity, drug/alcohol addiction, you name it, she had it or did it.  An older brother that never took responsibility for anything in his life, a brother that swore, chewed tobacco, messed around with me, was into pornography, and I don't think he knew how to treat a woman even to the day he died.  Then came my 3rd sibling.  You think that the two older were hard, she came with her own set of challenges.  Learning disabilities beyond a parents comprehension.  I remember the fight that my parents had to allow her to walk across the stage at graduation.  But, they did it, and they did it out of love.  They even went to the school the next day, gave them back her diploma but made a copy of her diploma on orange paper so as not to give the impression that it was the original, and walked away with dignity and grace until she was 21 years old when she could finally get her diploma from the school district.  Then there was me!  Smack dab in the middle!  As my therapist said I was the "scapegoat" for the older and the "protector" to the younger. 

My little sister was the "strong" one.  I have been asked several times if I thought my brother ever went after her.  All I can say is "are you kidding me?"  Anyone that knows my little sister knows that you don't mess with her.  Honestly, if my brother would have touched her inappropriately, he would never be able to father children because she would have hurt him.  I predict she would have gone for "man land" first because that is the way she is!  I remember watching her as a teen and thinking "if I would have said or done that I would have had my face slapped".  She has been my "family rock" thru all of this.  She is aware of my flashbacks and understands.  I truly was blessed to have my 3 younger siblings.  My brothers are "men".  Men that love their wives and children, they are genuine.  There are times when they will begin to talk with sexual inuendos and realistically I don't think they ever realize they are doing it.  Can you believe that I grew up in a home that we could not say "terd" but we could talk about "incest" as a joke?  Even on Christmas Day I was reminded of a sexual inuendo with breasts.  I was the only one that had to get up and leave my parents home because it became it so uncomfortable.

So, daughter of mine, that I know is going to read this.  Please know that your body is a precious gift.  I know because you are a part of me.  I know how hard it was to even get you here.  Your hazel eyes, your beautiful hair, your piano playing fingers, and your amazing spirit, they are a gift.  No one can take that away from you.  You have never questioned who you are, even from the get go you had a determined spirit, and a very loving heart, one that cannot be duplicated. 

I am learning who I am.  I only ask that as you read these entries, you will keep them sacred.  I ask that you allow me to be anonymous to the other readers and to your sisters.  All of this will come out in its own time, don't make it your time.  Let it be in my time.  Remember that I am still your mother and that I "expect respect", your grandparents are amazing people and they deserve your respect as well, don't form your opinions of them based on what you read.  Go with your heart, and you will find that they are doing the best they can.  They are people just like you, you have seen their heart ache beyond what any grandchild ever should have to see.  Remember that! and PS I love you!