I have so many thoughts in my head this morning.  I woke up and attempted to go walking.  I couldn't find my Ipod which sucked because that meant that the only thing I could listen to was my head.  And listen to my head I did! 

We went to marriage therapy.  The therapist told us after 15 minutes that we were done with our session.  Well, my husband began to tell him of a conversation that we had with each other Thursday night.  Well, I guess my husband just wanted to tell him about my side of the conversation.  That night I had a flashback of a 3rd boy that abused me as a child.  I was laying in bed with my husband at the time when the images just came to me.  I knew right off who the young man was.  He had not lived in my neighborhood since I was probably 12 years old.  I saw his face, I saw his bedroom, a blanket, and his underwear.  That was as far as I wanted to go with this flashback.  I was telling my husband that I still hadn't processed my prior flashback with the images of my brother and pornography.  Well, evidently that is all my husband wanted the therapist to know.  Because, when I started telling the therapist about how my husband had disclosed to me that he had accessed pornography a couple times before I found the porn in November and that he has masturbated but it has been "years", I got the look.  When we got home, I got more than the look.  I got the "are you ever going to let it go?"  I got the "even the Bishop has forgiven me for what I have done".

I have worked full time for over 21 years of our marriage.  I have paid for that pornography, I worked while my husband was home "doing his thing". All of this was for what?  So I could provide a roof over the head of my children.  Do I need to remind him that they are his children too?  Daughters of a Heavenly Father, royalty in my home, and I ask do they not deserve the best? 

I found out that I am spending about $1,000 of fast offerings each month for therapy.  I sit and think I could never pay for that.  I can't repay the ward, but I feel like I also can't keep spending it either.  This last week, I only attended 1 therapy session and I was a wreck all week. 

I went to the temple on Wednesday night to be with my brother and his family as they sealed their daughter to their family.  It was an awesome experience.  But, I have not been to the temple in years even thought I have only gone without a temple recommend for a few months.  I walked out of the sealing room by myself.  The workers directed me down the hall, which ended up being the long way.  It didn't matter because as I stood in those sacred halls I was completely overwhelmed.  I had to stand against the wall and just cry.  My energy was gone.  My heart ached, not only for myself, but for my brother.  My heart cries because I was the only one in that sealing room that knows the hell that my brother has caused.  I was the only one that questioned if by chance the Lord allowed him to be there to watch such an event.  Knowing what I had to do to feel worthy even in the slightest to enter the temple.  Did he miss it?  Did he actually feel worthy to be there?  I was completely overwhelmed.

I met with my other therapist on Friday.  He started talking to me about addictive behaviors and explained how feeling starved can be an addiction.  I blew him off.  This morning as I realized what I had eaten in 24 hours, I realized he was trying to address one of my addictive behaviors.  I don't know why I don't eat.  We have food in our home.  My daughter fixed a fabulous dinner last night but I just didn't eat.  I am completely numb to my emotions and feelings right now.  I am so exhausted.  Last night as I struggled with the thoughts that I am costing the ward $1,000 per month.  I know I need therapy because that is the only way thru this.  Then come the other thoughts, it's not the only way.  The other way is the ugly way, where I leave this Earth and try to deal with it for free on the other side.  Where I leave my husband and force him to grow up without me.  Where I leave my children and hope that they will forgive me.  They wouldn't need to worry about money for a while if my husband were smart with the benefit.  I will be honest, sometimes I feel that is the only way I will ever find peace.