"This might hurt to hear but sometimes EMDR stops working for people with borderline personality".  Wow, where did that come from?  Well, that was not on my agenda for yesterday's therapy session.  I didn't go in with a written agenda but I had an agenda in my head.  We were going to talk about my last letter to myself, and then we were going to talk about the Temple.  There you have it, my mental agenda.  Well, I was so wrong.  It was a weird session from the start because quite often we have small talk, yesterday, not so much.  There was no wasting time.  He asked how my weekend was and then went right to his cell phone to discuss the texts that I sent him that weekend.  OK, we can do that.  We talked about the texts and then he went right in to the above statement about EMDR and borderline personality.  It was almost like, I am going to slip this in right here and then we will move on to something else.  It was probably more me than it was him because remember I had an agenda.  Borderline was not on my agenda.

I was pretty defensive thru my entire session.  I knew there was a wall built up.  I could feel it.  I did it to myself and I don't know why but it was there.  My therapist then told me that I don't let anyone in.  OK, again, not on my agenda but what do you mean by that?  Basically, he reminded me that I needed to let my husband in, that he is trying to understand, and that I need to teach him to understand me.  He then told me I need to let the Bishop in.  Excuse me, the Bishop knows everything, what do you mean by that?  I need to learn how to take his counsel and advice.  OK, what do you mean by that?  I need to go to the Temple.  First of all, YEA!  we finally got to something on my agenda, that is something that I can work with.  Well, he told me that yes, I can get up and walk out on a session if I need to.  I told him that was not something that I was going to do.  The Bishop said I could start out small.  So, we come to an agreement that I will go and do initiatory.  OH, but the therapist wants me to go NOW.  How about tonight? What, are you kidding me?  Don't rush me.

I then made him open up the scriptures and I taught him how I think.  I needed to explain my thinking.  I taught him my lesson from Sunday.  "Yea, wo be unto him that saith: We have received, and we need no more!"  Before I had this trial, I thought that I needed no more.  I was so sure of the Gospel.  I was so sure of myself.  "And in fine, wo unto all those who tremble, and are angry because of the truth of God! For behold, he that is built upon the rock receiveth it with gladness; and he that is built upon a sandy foundation trembleth lest he shall fall."  If I relate this to me, I have not received this trial with gladness and quite honestly I am worried about falling. We talked about the Iron Rod and the Mists of Darkness.  They overcame everyone.  Some when the mists of darkness became too much, they let go of the rod.  Well, I can tell you that I have let go of the rod at times.  Thankfully, I have amazing people that help me by taking my hand and holding it on to the rod until I am ready to hold on by myself.

I don't know what my future holds for me.  I am working hard to figure it out.  Some days I do well, and others I fail miserably.