Yesterday was my individual therapy session.  If you look back over the last week I had a lot of things to discuss, and only 45 minutes in which to do it.  My therapist is a strong member of the LDS church and is quite knowledgeable about the gospel.  As you read my story you will know that my LDS faith is very much a part of my life.  It was important to me that if I was going to go to a therapist I needed someone that I could talk with about the Gospel.  I remember the day I called LDS family services to schedule my first appointment.  I think I actually dialed the number 3 times and hung up twice.  The third time I had enough courage to stay on the line.  The sweet woman on the phone asked about my situation.  I had told her that my Bishop had asked me to come in and talk to a therapist about some problems that I was having with "perfection".  I told her a little more about my situation, keep in mind it wasn't until after I started therapy that I learned of my abuse, so she didn't have much to go off of.  She put me on hold.  She came back on the phone and asked me a little more about myself.  And, then she put me on hold again.  When she came back on the line she indicated that they like to find therapists that work with my situation.  Now, to be honest with you, I personally think that she put me on hold to pray, and the second time was to listen for that answer.  The reason why I say that is because 1 Heavenly Father knew how stubborn I was and that I was going to need a lot of help, and 2 because he has truly been guiding my path every step of the way and I know that he lead me to Jade thru that 1 phone call.

In yesterday's session we talked about my new calling as Sunday School teacher, talked about the youth and the importance of reading The Book of Mormon, but I still had questions.  Questions that I wanted someone to answer.  Questions of the next life, repentance, forgiveness, and Celestial glory.  I asked about heartache in the next life.  The reason for my question is I am still trying to understand Eternal families.  I wanted to know what happens when my parents get to the other side and their son is not there to meet him.  What about my parents heart ache?  I still have that vivid memory in my head as my father melted in the arms of our Bishop when he asked the Bishop to stay with us as a family when we released my sister from her body.  I saw heart ache, deep heart ache, it is hard to understand until you see it for yourself.  To be honest, I don't want to see it again.  I said to Jade that in Celestial glory there should be no heart ache.  But, then he reminded me of our Heavenly Father, the greatest Celestial being, has heart ache, but when we have that Eternal Perspective, hopefully my parents will realize that it was the use of my brother's agency that determined his destiny.

I talked with him about my issue on Thursday when I freaked out and became uncomfortable with myself.  We talked about shame.  He has some amazing philosophy on shame and he does share quite a bit about it in his book "Healing Secrets".  And, I probably can't do this justice but when we do pass on and meet our maker we will be faced with "judgement".  We will have to answer for our thoughts, deeds, and actions.  If we are confident, without shame, we will stand before our maker and say I did the best that I could and he will know in our hearts that we did.  But, if we have shame, we will question if we did do the best that we could, and then we will allow Satan to fill our souls with doubt.  I asked him if he ever felt shame, he said "yes" like when he doesn't repent daily, or if he doesn't read his scriptures more intently.  The difference between his shame and my shame is mine is internalized.

We then started to talk about the Temple.  I am learning that my therapy session actually starts after I leave therapy.  At one point in my session he asked if I resented the Temple.  No, are you kidding, how could anyone resent the Temple?  That is what my head was saying.  But last night as I was driving home and saw the Bountiful Temple, I thought of that question again.  I thought about the years of service that my parents have provided at the Temple or on Temple square.  I thought about the abuse that occurred in my home while my parents were gone to the Temple.  I swear to you, as a young girl that was abused repeatedly when her parents went to the Temple, those Endowment sessions are long.  I was prepared for Friday nights when they were gone to the Temple, but if they ever went on a Saturday session it was another opportunity for my brother to manipulate me, another opportunity for him to abuse me.  Dang it, why can't I answer my therapist question with my head and tell him "no" I don't resent the temple?  Why does my heart always have to be the one to answer in the end?  Because "yes" I do resent the Temple.  There I said it!  I was abused while my parents were serving in the Temple, the purpose of the Temple is to seal families but yet, if your family doesn't remain worthy then who defines Eternal families?