Yesterday was EMDR.  I processed thru my latest flashback.  I also learned something new.  At one point in my session I saw the changes that happened in my life once my brother left for his mission.  It wasn't long enough, 2 years wasn't long enough for me.  When he left I was terribly lost, in my own little world.  I didn't have many friends because the last thing I wanted to do was to be noticed.  I didn't know who I was.  After he left I was able to start to grow.  I will never forget sitting in that Seminary room when I learned for myself the Prophet Joseph Smith saw our Heavenly Father and our brother Jesus Christ.  That feeling is still so powerful inside me that I cannot deny that it happened.  The Lord truly did bless me.  My sophomore year I tried to continue French.  I couldn't do it, and really, I didn't want to do it, so when the teacher kicked me out and invited me to the counselor's office I went and found that girl's choir was open.  OK, I can sing so I will go in and have the teacher sign me in.  Well, that was not enough for the teacher.  She made me sight read and sing a solo in front of the class.  I wanted to die, but I did it, and she accepted me in the class.  Choir was a great experience for me to grow.  My Junior year I tried out and made the highest group that a Junior girl could sing in.  It was an honor to be with those amazing girls.  I started to realize that I could do hard things, still I was shy, but I started to open.  Then came the day that I saw in my session yesterday.  The day my brother returned from his mission. 

I was sitting in 4th period.  I was wearing my khaki's and my melon colored long sleeve shirt.  It was English.  My Mom came to the door.  I was working on a project and didn't see her.  A boy in my ward was sitting like 2 rows over and said "hey, your Mom is at the door."  I went out to the hall to see what she wanted because my mom never came to the school for me.  That is when she advised me that she needed me to go with her to pick up my brother from the airport.  It was just her and I.  All I could think of in my session was I was not ready for him to come home yet.  There was so much more for me to do, to learn, and to explore.  That night I wanted to go to a football game.  I was torn because I should want to stay home and be with him but I wanted to go to the game.  I finally said that I was going to the game.  He wants to go with me.  I remember fighting my parents but "he's my brother", I haven't seen him in 2 years, what kind of sister am I to not want to be with my brother.  So, I finally gave in he came with me and hung all over me.  I didn't date at all in High School.  After my brother came home from his mission he went everywhere with me.  Now that I look back I wonder if the boys perceived my brother to be my boyfriend.  I don't want to even write this, and those who know of my indentity please don't judge.  But, it just hit me that at one point I thought it was cool for them to have that perception.  I felt special (in my own sick way).  There was not one other girl in my whole school that was getting the gifts that I was getting. 

In DBT or group therapy we talk about our Emotional mind.  I don't know a lot about it except that I am there an awful lot and when you are in your Emotional mind your emotions are the ones that take over and make your decisions for you.  So, it's best to not be in your emotional mind. 

With repressed memories, however, there are emotions that I am feeling for the first time.  Emotions that I should have felt 30 years ago but didn't allow myself to feel.  Questions that I should have asked 30 years ago, but didn't.